NBA Power Rankings

The Power Rankings took a week off for All-Star break and trade deadline shenanigans, but they're back with a vengeance (and cliches) this week. Dan McQuade breaks down the top teams in the NBA, and makes more jokes about ARCO Arena's new name.

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NBA Power Rankin... The Power Rankings took a week off for All-Star break and trade deadline shenanigans, but they're back with a vengeance (and cliches) this week. Dan McQuade breaks down the top teams in the NBA, and makes more jokes about ARCO Arena's new name.
30. Cleveland Ca... After a respite from the bottom spot, the Cavaliers return to the No. 30 position. But things are a bit more fun in Cleveland now after a couple wins recently, including the hilarious upset of Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks. But the funniest moment in recent Cavaliers history comes from this Cleveland Plain-Dealer headline: "Cleveland Cavaliers preaching patience as trade deadline approaches. And here I thought the Cavs were in 'win-now' mode.

(AP Photo/Tony Dejak)
29. Washington W... It's safe to say the highlight of the Washington Wizards' season is when Andray Blatche played in a jersey that read "BALTCHE" against the 76ers. Maybe the team is actually still called the Bullets and the equipment people have just been making a really esoteric mistake all these years.

(AP Photo/Nick Wass) 812
28. Toronto Rapt... It's finally time for the Raptors and Nets to travel to London for a pair of games. The neutral-and-neutral (a back-to-back!) series will be played at the O2 Arena. But look at all the people who are going: "[Coach Jay] Triano and his players along with 140 sponsors, special season ticket holders, staff and mascot The Raptor." Toronto really spent a lot of time coming up with a name for its mascot.

(AP Photo/J Pat Carter)
27. Sacramento K...
Hmmm. It is now March, andthe Kings now play in Power Balance Pavilion. But there won't be any signs going up at the former ARCO Arena, and Power Balance issued a confusing statement:

Ultimately, the deal was about aligning with a great brand for the benefit of our team, our fans and the community, not merely placing a name on a building. As such, Power Balance and our partners have mutually agreed to delay installing the new Power Balance sign on the arena until further notice.

Scoff if you want, but this is a company that gets people to buy magic bracelets. I'm sure it knows what its doing.

(AP Photo/Chuck Burton)
26. Minnesota Ti... The Timberwolves bought out Eddy Curry's contract; Curry was acquired in the three-team Carmelo Anthony deal. The Timberwolves actually got $3 million in that deal, which is essentially what Curry's buyout cost. Of course, the 'Wolves were only in the deal so Denver and New York could... ugh, sorry, my brain just froze. NBA financial matters are confusing.

(AP Photo/Stacy Bengs)
25. Detroit Pist... Since we last left the Pistons, a bunch of players boycotted a team shootaround to protest coach John Kuester, then only six guys played in a loss to Philadelphia, then everyone said, no, rumors of a team boycott were "overblown." Meanwhile, the Pistons still stink. I think we all know there's only one half-cop, half-robot who can save the Pistons.

(AP Photo/Jeffrey Phelps)
24. Los Angeles ... I once attended a James Taylor concert on July 4 where famous people kept coming on stage and wishing James Taylor a happy birthday: Yo-Yo Ma, Carole King, even an animated message from Homer Simpson. I thought it was funny his birthday was on Independence Day. Imagine my surprise when I read in the paper the next day his birthday is actually March 12. I find it kind of ridiculous someone can decide to celebrate his birthday months after, even if that person did write "Sweet Baby James." Anyway, this is kind of how I feel about the Clippers celebrating Black History Month in March.

(AP Photo/Steve Yeater)
23. New Jersey N... Give it up, Harlem Globetrotters: The New Jersey Nets are the new global basketball brand! They're playing the Raptors in London and the Associated Press notes the Nets are "on a mission to become the face of the league outside the United States, cheered by fans across Europe, Asia and Africa." Everyone in Côte d'Ivoire has already purchased a Deron Williams jersey.

(AP Photo/Julio Cortez)
22. Charlotte Bo... Apparently people hated the Bobcats' trade of Gerald Wallace for Joel Pryzbilla so much Michael Jordan had to come out and defend it. "I think it's one of the best trades," MJ said. He also gave Pryzbilla a vote of confidence: "They were honest with me and told me they wanted me here. That means a lot, especially coming from Michael Jordan. He looked me in the eye and told me this. I've never, to be honest, had a general manager tell me that." Aww, poor Joel Pryzbilla! It's nice he got a little confidence boost.

(AP Photo/Bob Leverone)
21. Utah Jazz (P... Jerry Sloan is reportedly happy to be retired. Deron Williams will probably adjust to Jersey. Based on this column from theStandard-Examiner, I think they're just happy to be away from Utah's demanding fans: "The Jazz aren't going to make the playoffs. There, I wrote it. If I'm going to do yet another column about our local NBA franchise, I figure I might as well make a bold statement in the process." I'm picturing Jazz fans pounding on the Ogden newspapers' doors, furious at the columnist who said the Jazz will not make the playoffs.

(AP Photo/Steve C. Wilson)
20. Milwaukee Bu... Bucks guard Keyon Dooling is the VP of the NBA Players Association and answered some questions about the work toward a new collective bargaining agreement. He gave these examples of players who went straight from high school to the pros: "Monta Ellis to Lou Williams to Tracy McGrady to Kobe Bryant to Kevin Garnett." I love that Lou Williams made that list. Good for him.

(AP Photo/Ben Margot)
19. Golden State... The Washington Wizards bought out Al Thornton, and Golden State is ready to swoop in and sign him. Thornton actually sought out a buyout so he could play for Golden State. To be fair, he's leaving Washington. As long as he's not headed to the Springfield Armor, it's probably a step up.

(AP Photo/AJ Mast)
18. Indiana Pace... Pacers fans are still attempting to piece together the details of a trade for the Grizzlies' O.J. Mayo that didn't go through. Pacers president Larry Bird: "I was on the phone with Memphis. We had a deal with five minutes to go. At two minutes, they pulled the deal, and it didn't happen." Who is this mysterious "they"? My guess is the banker from that show where Howie Mandel instructs models to open briefcases; I feel like it hasn't been on in a while, and he's probably free.

(AP Photo/Michael Conroy)
17. Atlanta Hawk... The Hawks now have Kirk Hinrich, which should improve the team's dreadful backcourt defense. But the real question is: Will they start playing Zaza Pachulia more? And, either way, will he continue attempting to open restaurants?

(AP Photo/Ben Margot)
16. Phoenix Suns... Ever purchased a ticket for a Phoenix Suns game? Then the marketing staff is going to research your ticket-buying history to inspire you to buy tickets again: "The Suns deployed a ultra-targeted email campaign that directed previous season ticket buyers to a hypersite loaded with a personal message and photos from the customer’s point of origin with the team. For instance, those who bought season tickets back in 1993 would likely see photos from the Charles Barkley era, the year he swept into Phoenix and took home the MVP trophy." There were probably contingency plans if a fan's first experience was the 1988 squad, which went 28-54.

(AP Photo/Julio Cortez)
15. New York Kni... The good: The Knicks have Carmelo Anthony and Amar'e Stoudemire. The bad: The Knicks lost to the Cavaliers. The good: The Knicks beat the Heat on national television! The bad: The Knicks followed that up with a flat performance against Orlando. Oh, and there's also the inane: New acquisition Jared Jeffries is wearing No. 9 to honor Michael Jordan's Dream Team number.

(AP Photo/John Raoux)
14. Houston Rock... According to FOXSportsHouston, "all eyes" were on Kim Kardashian when she took in a Nets-Rockets game. Houston guard Courtney Lee had some wise words: "I enjoy what they do if it's music or acting or whatnot, and I'm sure they enjoy what we do." The "hobbies" section of Lee's media guide entry: Movies, music, whatnot.

(AP Photo/Rick Bowmer)
13. New Orleans ... It's more than just Washington getting into the jersey mistake game: Jason Smith's jersey read "SMIHT" in the first quarter of Sunday's game against the Rockets. Amazingly, this is not the first time a sports team has misspelled Smith on a jersey. Tough name, I guess.

(AP Photo/Patrick Semansky) 230
12. Denver Nugge... The Denver Post informs us that new Nuggets point guard Raymond Felton has "leader" on his resume. It's a wonder he gets any jobs with a resume with such a lack of detail as that.

(AP Photo/Jack Dempsey)
11. Portland Tra... An amazing story about Patty Mills, the Australian on the Blazers: His mother was part of The Stolen Generations, the indigenous Australians removed from their homes by the government. Mills is also selling shirts for Australian flood relief, Blazers fans.

(AP Photo/Rick Bowmer)
10. Philadelphia... The 76ers actually went over .500 for the first time this late in the season since what feels like a million years ago. (It was actually just the spring of 2009, but it might as well have been Dolph Schayes' Syracuse Nationals.) They promptly lost to the Mavericks and fell back to .500, but, hey, there's hope in Philly. (The 76ers' Twitter hashtag is, incidentally, #ShowYaLuv. If you don't know what that is, or what Twitter hashtags are, consider yourself lucky.)

(AP Photo/Matt Slocum)
9. Memphis Grizz... Headline from the Commercial Appeal: "Playoff-tested veterans add grit to Memphis Grizzlies' drive for postseason." Well done, Memphis. Shane Battier, Tony Allen and Jason Williams will contribute copious amounts of grit, and it's a well-known fact no team without grit has ever won a postseason series.

(AP Photo/Lance Murphey)
8. Oklahoma City... Oh, no! The Oklahoman did one of those "guide to the city for the sports team's new acquisitions" articles, and it contains the following comparison of Boston and Oklahoma City: "They have Revere; we have reverends. They had a tea party; we have the Tea Party." Ugh. Then again, the next line wasn't so bad: "They have Harvard; we've seen 'Good Will Hunting.'"

(AP Photo/James Schammerhorn)
7. Orlando Magic... Let's check out another headline, this one from ESPN: "Magic put Knicks in full (Jameer) Nelson." Oh, booo, booooo! The article is notable for this stat: Against the Knicks Tuesday, the Magic shot 79 percent in the first quarter and 19 percent in the second. Inconsistency of that caliber takes some effort.

(AP Photo/John Raoux) 925
6. Los Angeles L... Well, the Lakers move from last to sixth in the Power Rankings, an all-time record jump. (This is an even more important milestone when you take into account that this is the fourth-ever edition of my rankings.) They didn't make any moves at the deadline, but are still well out in front in the Pacific Division. And, more importantly, the Lakers NBA title was named the top moment of 2010 at the LA Sports Awards. Incidentally, "Zenyatta's Remarkable Winning Streak" edged the gold medal in figure skating by L.A.'s Evan Lysacek for fifth. Sorry, Evan, but you lost to a horse.

(AP Photo/Jim Mone)
5. Boston Celtic... Ray Allen's wife, Shannon, now has her own TV show, The Pregame Meal. She cooks with teammates of her husband, Kevin Youkilis, Wes Welker and others. According to the Boston Herald, her secret ingredient really is love.

(AP Photo/Steve C. Wilson)
4. Chicago Bulls... Did you know what Horace Grant is up to? Apparently he lives on the beach on California's Central Coast. Not a bad life, if you can get it. (That's tough, though, as you probably need the wealth of a successful former NBA player to buy a house on the beach.) The shocker from that article: Grant no longer wears Rec Specs!

(AP Photo/Jim Prisching) 668
3. Miami Heat (P... LeBron James, naturally, had a recent mini-feud with Daniel Gibson over comments Gibson made about being the new King of Cleveland. James may be hated by his subjects, but he still wants recognition as leader, I guess. Oh, yeah, and the Heat are going to sign Mike Bibby after the Wizards bought him out. Little bald children will have someone to look up to again.

(AP Photo/Alan Diaz)
2. Dallas Maveri... Did you know Mavs owner Mark Cuban was in Like Mike 2: Streetball? Here is an animated .gif of him dancing from the movie. You're welcome.

(AP Photo/Matt Slocum)
1. San Antonio S... The Spurs have lost Tony Parker for a little bit and a few games recently -- they now have 11 losses -- but are still the class of the league and the favorites to win the NBA title. The reason: Fundamentals of the Game with Coach "B." There's no other explanation.

(AP Photo/Darren Abate)
Miserable Sports... Check out the most miserable cities in sports here.