Embrace the Silent Treatment

iVillage.com: How to Win a Fight with Your Significant Other

As in listening, not pouting. Per Lerner, listening is as important as talking. And sometimes the best “comeback” is silence.

“Listening well is the greatest gift that we can give our partner.” Lerner suggests tempering your passion to be understood with a true passion to understand.

You can say, “Okay, I’m going to shut up now and really listen to you. I want you to do the same for me when it’s my turn.”

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Never Use 'Never...

Gretchen Rubin, author of "The Happiness Project" and "Happier At Home," advises lowering the volume -- not the boom -- when engaged in an argument. Instead of a tempting-but-unproductive comeback, use one of these equal-opportunity phrases:

“This is important to me. Please listen.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way before.”

“Let’s agree to disagree on that.”

“Please keep talking to me.”

“I see how I may have contributed to the problem.”

“Please try to understand my point of view.”

“I realize it’s not your fault.”

“You don’t have to solve this -- it helps me just to talk to you.”

“I can see my part in this.”

“You may be right.” (Leave out the “but….”)

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Make a Joke

We’ve all been there: You’re still fighting, but you realize just how asinine you both are acting. Laugh, advises Jay Heinrichs, expert on the art of persuasion and author of "Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion."

A shared laugh can “suck the emotion out, like sucking out snake poison,” says Heinrichs. Rubin agrees. Although she admits that her sense of humor is the first thing to go in an argument, she’s found in fights with her own husband that, “If one of us can laugh and joke around, the angry mood lifts instantly.”

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Use Code

Have a shorthand phrase that you both know translates into: We are acting like idiots, let’s take a moment to get over ourselves. Until you figure out your own, try Young Frankenstein’s immortal “Put. The. Candle. Back!” Or Olivia’s (best line ever) “I love you anyway too.”

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Be Prepared to L...

Get over it, says Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of "The Dance Of Anger" and "Marriage Rules: A Manual For The Married." “Happy couples are couples who fight fair, which is different from fighting to win.”

As Heinrichs asks, “Win what, exactly? And at what cost? Sometimes giving in can actually get you what you want.” Ask yourself what’s at stake and what your goal is, he suggests. If your goal is just to win, you will surely lose when it comes to your relationship.

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Go for a Hug

When your impulse is to go for the jugular, Rubin suggests going for a hug or expression of affection instead. It’s hard to go in for the kill when you’re holding hands or touching in some way and it’s a lot easier to wage peace.

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Embrace the Sile...

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Use a Time Out

When you feel like you are about to blow, Lerner recommends calling for a timeout -- actually stopping the fight and walking away at this point. As she says, you can do this without criticizing or blaming. Just say, “I want to talk about this, but at a calmer time when my head is clearer. Let’s take a break for a few minutes." After a break, it’s hard to go back to yelling, Rubin says.

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Apologize ASAP

Sometimes you just blew a gasket and say something you wish you could take back the second it’s out of your mouth. Repeat after Rubin: “I’m sorry. That was bad. I shouldn’t have said that. That came out all wrong. Wait, can I take that back? I overreacted.”

As she has found, an apology (even a cheap one) is one of the best ways to turn down the heat of an escalating dispute.

And don’t sit on an apology, advises Lerner. “Offering a genuine apology when one is due goes a long way toward repairing a disconnection. And a willingness to apologize is often contagious.”

If your attempt at reconciliation is met with a “screw you,” don’t push it. Lerner says you can’t expect or insist your partner to accept an apology before he's ready.

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Stay Focused

So, the fight has lurched way off-topic, like back to the beginning of time. Re-focus on the immediate infraction or conflict at hand. To avoid getting drawn into a lengthy discussion of every crappy thing either of you has ever done, try the simple, “We’re getting off the subject.”

If your partner starts listing items from your rap sheet, Lerner suggests letting him know that you’d be glad to address his concerns in a separate discussion but, at the moment, you would like to focus on this issue...

“Focus on the one crime -- the one that touched off the argument -- and shift the tense to the future. That’s the tense where you can make choices,” Heinrichs says. You can say, “Here’s what I’m hoping we can agree on,” or “Let’s talk about what we can do going forward.”

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Go to Sleep Mad

That whole “don’t go to bed mad” thing is totally bogus. Nothing goes well when everybody’s cranky and tired, per Rubin. Agree to table an argument in progress. Cuddle up instead and agree to take it up the next day when you’re both fresh.

Lerner advises that you set a rule that outlaws bringing up problems at bedtime.

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