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| Few things can shake your parental confidence more than trying to get your kids to listen and behave. Whether you're losing it because no one will clean up the Play-Doh all over the dining room table or trying (in vain) to get the gang in the car, it can make you wonder how things went so very, very wrong. We spoke to the experts to get the answers. Here are 18 discipline mistakes that even smart parents make -- and the easy changes you can make to fix them. Not Following Through If you tell your child he's not allowed to watch TV if he doesn't clean up his room, but then you cave in and let him do it anyway, you're only going to confuse him. You have to follow through every time, experts say. "When parents don't follow through, they send the child a double message: 'Sometimes we mean what we say and sometimes we don't,'" explains Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D, a psychologist in Austin, Texas and author of "The Everything Parent’s Guide to Positive Discipline." Many kids, especially those who are strong-willed, will often bet that you don't if that's worked in the past. However, if you keep your word and actually, say, unplug the TV for the day, your child will realize, "Hey, Mom's not kidding around -- I'd better behave." For that reason, it's best not to make any threats you'd never stick with, like "No Christmas this year." (CREDIT: Soren Hald/Stone/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| Before you discipline your child, consider her age. When your baby spills her food, for example, you don't expect her to clean it up. When your toddler dumps his cereal and then flatly denies it, he's only lying because he wants to please you because he sees you're not smiling. And if your preschooler dumps his broccoli on the floor? Well, you know the answer there. (Power struggle anyone?) So what works for an older child may not work for a younger one. Keep these guidelines from Johns Hopkins Medicine in mind before disciplining your child. Infants and Toddlers: At this age, safety is the main concern -- children this age will respond to your loudly saying "no." After doing so, always offer a safer, acceptable alternative. (So if your child is about to touch the stove, shout "no," and then steer him in the direction of a toy.) Try to praise good behavior and ignore bad behavior, such as temper tantrums. Preschoolers: Consistency is key, so make sure your rules are clear and stick with them. Also, allow enough time for transitions from activity to activity. Preschoolers might need you to explain in detail why they need to behave a certain way and what will happen if they don't. School-aged Children: Children this age need the above rules, but parents should also give them the opportunity to share their side of the story. Always offer choices and let your child help you figure out ways to handle any behavioral problems. (CREDIT: angela auclair/Flickr/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| Maybe we've all watched too much "Law and Order," but that whole good cop/bad cop routine really does come in handy: Sometimes saying, "Wait until your father comes home!" actually gets the kids to behave. However, warn experts, this tactic is best left down in the police station. "Not only does this discipline technique put the other parent in the bad light as the 'mean' parent, it also sends the message that you might not be able to make up your mind about what to do on your own," say Devra Gordon-Renner and Aviva Pflock, co-authors of "Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids." Instead, next time you're trying to figure out a proper punishment for your child, try saying something like, "When your father gets home, we are going to discuss how to handle this." Then, your child will learn that Mom and Dad are a team. "The important thing is that you don't set up a situation where one parent is the disciplinarian and the other parent isn't," add Gordon-Renner and Pflock. (CREDIT: R. Nelson/Flickr/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| "Get your coat!" "Brush your teeth!" "Clean your room!" Bossing your child around isn't the best way to get him to behave. "When you command your child to do something, his body will tend to stiffen and his brain will send the message to resist," says Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, author of the "Positive Discipline" series. Instead, she recommends asking your child a question such as "What should you wear so you're not cold?" or "How can you make your teeth feel clean?" or "How can we make sure no one trips on all these toys in your room?" which lets her body relax while her brain searchers for an answer. "Asking questions invites the child to think for herself and helps her feel more capable, connected and likely to cooperate," says Dr. Nelsen. (CREDIT: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| Many parents love to count to three when they want results and sometimes, it can be a good motivator, giving kids a cue to transition and parents a consistent and level-headed disciplinary response. But there's a downside to this method. "Counting to three can reinforce that a child really doesn't have to listen the first time; it gives him 2, 2½, 2¾, 3 chances before he has to take action," explains Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of "If I Have to Tell You One More Time." If that's the case for your child, then McCready recommends that you get eye-to-eye with your child and be very clear about what you want him to do. "If he doesn't respond after the first request, get eye to eye again and give an 'either-or' statement," she says. "For example, 'Either you can stop throwing sand or we will leave the park.'" (CREDIT: Steven Errico/Photographer's Choice RF/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| Time-outs are certainly the go-to discipline method for many parents, but the American Academy of Pediatrics says that if you are going to use them, make sure your child knows which few negative behaviors will result in one ahead of time. Also, the length of the time out depends on the age of the child -- the rule of thumb is one minute for every year. (So if your child is 5 years old, he'd get a 5 minute time out.) However, keep in mind that time outs aren't always effective. "For strong-willed children, a timeout usually invites a power struggle and it doesn't focus on helping the child make a better choice in the future," explains McCready. "Instead, take time to train the child on the appropriate behavior (including role play) or implement respectful, appropriate consequences that are related to the specific behavior issue that will help the child make a better choice next time." As with any discipline technique, it'll probably take a little trial and error to determine whether time outs are right for your child. (CREDIT: Steven Puetzer/The Image Bank/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| When parents take issue with a child's behavior, for example saying something like, "Stop being fresh," they think they have communicated effectively about what their child to do, but they actually haven't. When parents use general phrases like these, the child might know that they disapprove of their behavior but have no idea what, exactly, they are objecting to, explains Dr. Pickhardt. Instead, be specific in your correction: For instance, you can say something like, "Stop being disrespectful by interrupting me when I'm speaking" or "Stop acting fresh by making such a mean face at me." That way, your child will know exactly which behavior to change. (CREDIT: Thomas Northcut/Stockbyte/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| "It's easy for parents to say 'Don't do that!' 'Stop that!' or 'That's wrong!' but these commands only stop the action -- they have no educational value," says Dr. Pickhardt. Adds McCready: "'Don't'" commands are discouraging and require kids to double-process -- they have to first consider 'What does she not want me to do?' and then figure out 'What does she want me to do instead?'" It's better to just cut to the chase and calmly tell your child what specific action you'd like her to take: So, for instance, instead of saying, "Don't run in the house!" it's more effective to say, "Please walk when you're in the house so you don't get hurt!" Bottom line: Make sure that when you discipline your child they learn why a behavior is inappropriate or dangerous and what a better alternative is. (CREDIT: Barry Rosenthal/Taxi/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| "It's important to make a connection before a correction -- it lets children know they are loved unconditionally, even when they need to change their behavior," says Dr. Nelsen. Otherwise, the child might feel threatened and either fight back, freeze with fear, or zone out completely. Saying something like, "I love you, but the answer is 'No!'" or resting your hand on his shoulder helps a child feel a sense of belonging and significance, so he'll more likely listen and cooperate, Dr. Nelsen explains (CREDIT: Sam Edwards/OJO Images/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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| Of course, telling your child you'll buy her candy or a new toy if she behaves might work in the short-term. However, such techniques aren't very effective for the long haul. "Kids will think, 'I'll be good to get the reward,' rather than because it feels great to do the right thing," explains Dr. Nelsen. Same goes for praise: Telling a child, "I'm so proud of you!" lets her know that she lived up to your expectations. "The danger is that kids can become so addicted to getting praise and rewards that they won't, say, clean up their rooms or get ready for school on time if they don't get it," explains Dr. Nelsen. Instead, she emphasizes encouragement -- when your child does something nice, instead of handing her a dollar just say, "Thank you! I bet you feel really good about that!" Or instead of "I'm so proud of you," you can say, "You must be so proud of yourself." (CREDIT: Tooga/The Image Bank/Getty) The Full Story from iVillage.com |
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