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Country rocker Sherwin Linton scored a minor hit with this 1986 ditty about Santa’s being busted in his sleigh with “a miniature bottle of Peppermint Schnapps” after being spotted “weaving around in the sky.” His sleigh is impounded, the reindeer are sent to a zoo and Christmas in general seems to be canceled for the foreseeable future. Linton adds a twist in the last verse with a PSA about drunk driving, but by that time the Christmas cheer has already been sucked from the room. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Breaker Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
'What Can You Ge...Who among us hasn’t asked this question himself? This absurd gem comes from a “Star Wars”-themed holiday album titled “Christmas in the Stars,” a concept album about a droid factory where the robots labor all year long making toys for "S. Claus.” The performance is credited to the Star Wars Intergalactic Droid Choir and Chorale. —Jeff Royer (Photo: RSO Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
'The Night Santa...From “Weird Al” Yankovic’s 1996 album “Bad Hair Day,” this darkly comical tune is also a cautionary tale about alcohol abuse. A drunken Santa goes on a rampage, destroying much of the North Pole and annihilating most of his elves and reindeer. After he is apprehended, the surviving elves find employment at the postal service, while Mrs. Claus is “on the phone every night with her lawyer negotiating the movie rights.” For reasons unknown, Yankovic later found it necessary to record an “extra gory” version in which Santa is killed. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Scotti Bros. Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Here Comes Fatt...This family-unfriendly tune is most famous from its inclusion on the John Waters-curated holiday album “A John Waters Christmas.” Credited to “Rudolph & Gang,” the song employs all sorts of colorful language as it rails against Santa as a symbol of the miserable holiday shopping season, the jam-packed malls and the sky-high credit card bills. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Watertower Music)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Santa Has Got t...This 1980 holiday offering from ukulele-strummer and first-class weirdo Tiny Tim is actually much less offensive than its title suggests. Its lyrics are actually referring to the appetite-suppressing candy bar Ayds that was popular in the 1970s. Copyright laws prompted Tiny Tim to use this play on the candy’s name. Unfortunately for him, the song was released just two years prior to the emergence of AIDS epidemic and the widespread use of the acronym, resulting in one of the most disastrous coincidences in music history. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Dan Goodrich, AP Images)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘I Yust Go Nuts ...On paper, this novelty song – a lament about the hustle and bustle of the holiday season as sung by a Scandinavian swami – is too bizarre to work. “Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas. Shopping sure drives me berserk. On the day before I rush in a store like a per bewildered yerk.” Regardless, the song became Harry Stewart’s biggest hit as his comical counterpart Yogi Yorgesson, selling more than a million copies since its release in 1949 and trumping its own A-side, “Yingle Bells.” —Jeff Royer (Photo: Capitol)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Back Door Santa...Performed by Clarence Carter and featured on the holiday compilation “Soul Christmas,” this rather suggestive song has little to do with Christmas itself, and barely concerns Santa at all, apart from the similarities St. Nick has with the song’s narrator. Let’s just say they’re both very “giving.” “I make all the little girls happy,” Carter sings, “while the boys are out to play.” —Jeff Royer (Photo: Atlantic)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Little Rubber ...Despite its dubious title, this song is a rather straightforward take on the Christmas classic “Little Drummer Boy,” except for the fact that it’s performed entirely on rubber bands. It’s just one of 14 tracks appearing on the novelty album “A Rubber Band Christmas,” performed by people with lots and lots of time on their hands. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Redeye)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Christmas Eve ...Nothing makes a holiday party feel like a funeral faster than this macabre little number about hitchhiking on Christmas Eve from the Everly Brothers’ 1972 album “Stories We Could Tell.” Sample lyric: “The sound of one man walkin' through the snow / Can break your heart / But stopping doesn't help, so on I'll go.” Wow, thanks, Everly Brothers. Someone pass the eggnog. —Jeff Royer (Photo: RCA)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘O Chronic Tree‘Subtlety is not the forte of rapper Afroman, who you may remember from such hit songs as “Because I Got High.” On “O Chronic Tree,” off the hilariously irreverent holiday album “Jobe Bells,” he uses the melodies of “O Christmas Tree” to pay homage to a certain plant that is probably growing in his basement. “Chronic tree, oh, chronic tree, wit' yo leaves so sticky green,” he sings. “Chronic tree, oh, chronic tree, so hard to sell, I want you all for me.” —Jeff Royer (Photo: Hungry Hustler)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Ryu the Red Nos...This blipping and bleeping holiday track comes courtesy of an artist named Doctor Octoroc, who specializes in songs that sound like they’re being blasted from a 1980s video game console. It can be found on an album called “8-Bit Jesus,” described by the artist an “an album of classic Christmas songs arranged in the style of classic video games for the Nintendo Entertainment System." —Jeff Royer (Photo: DoctorOctoroc.com)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Penguin, James ...Most people know the story of Rudolph, but not many are familiar the tale of James Penguin. That’s because Brad Paisley made it up for his 2006 Christmas album. Basically, James is a “well dressed duck in a three piece tux” who serves as a secret spy for Santa, keeping tabs on who’s been naughty and who’s been nice since the workload has gotten overwhelming for old St. Nick. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Arista Nashville)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Sleigh Ride‘A holiday album from Parliament-Funkadelic bassist Bootsy Collins is odd enough, but this number off of “Christmas Is 4 Ever” ups the weirdness by combining Collins’ funk bass with the country fiddling of Charlie Daniels. Coming in a close second is “Winterfunkyland.” —Jeff Royer (Photo: Shout Factory)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘White Christmas...There was a time when the name Twisted Sister struck fear in the hearts of parents everywhere. That time clearly came to a close in 2006, when the 1980s metal band released an album of metal versions of classic Christmas songs, including this galloping rendition. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Razor & Tie)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Santa Claus and...This track from Cheech & Chong’s self-titled 1971 debut is a creative re-telling of Santa’s story, from the time in 1960s when he lived in the projects around the corner from Cheech to the time he was sidelined by border agents who tried to cut off his hair and beard. Something tells me the recording of this sketch was immediately followed by some serious munchies. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Warner Brothers)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Santa Claus Goe...Not to be confused with the James Brown song of the same name, this song features the colorful yuletide rapping of Snoop Dogg, backed by Daz Dillinger, Nate Dogg, Tray Deee, Bad Azz and some other dudes. The track, which leads off the 1996 holiday compilation “Christmas on Death Row,” wobbles back and forth between honest childhood memories of Christmas in the hood and goofy tales about Santa delivering bags of certain green leafy substances. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Death Row Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Dominick the Do...The only song on this list to get regular airplay each holiday season, “Dominick the Donkey” tells the tale of an Italian Christmas donkey who helps Santa deliver toys to children. The donkey helps Santa because, as the song explains, “the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy.” Why a donkey? And why Italy? These questions will haunt me until the day I die. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Roulette Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Please Daddy (D...You can thank John Denver for this little slice of yuletide gloom. Tucked in the middle of his 1975 holiday album “Rocky Mountain Christmas,” the song is sung from the perspective of a seven-year-old boy who watched his drunk father fall down under the tree. Over a slow country shuffle, Denver spreads more holiday drear by repeating the chorus couplet “Please, daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas / I don't wanna see my Momma cry” ad nauseam. —Jeff Royer (Photo: RCA)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Santa Got a DWI...Country rocker Sherwin Linton scored a minor hit with this 1986 ditty about Santa’s being busted in his sleigh with “a miniature bottle of Peppermint Schnapps” after being spotted “weaving around in the sky.” His sleigh is impounded, the reindeer are sent to a zoo and Christmas in general seems to be canceled for the foreseeable future. Linton adds a twist in the last verse with a PSA about drunk driving, but by that time the Christmas cheer has already been sucked from the room. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Breaker Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Santa Came Home...If “Santa Got a DWI” didn’t crush your Christmas spirit, “Santa Came Home Drunk” surely will. Sung by bluesman Clyde Lasley, the song escorts the listener through Santa’s many alcoholic conquests, from gin to whiskey to rum, as he gets soused and fends off an entire bar of people trying to throw him out. Mostly, he just sits there and lists the various brands of alcohol he’s tried and ends with the vague threat that he’ll be back again next year. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Bea and Baby Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
‘Up on the House...This version of the Christmas classic is off the album “Meowy Christmas,” which consists of holiday songs as performed by real meowing cats. And that’s really all that needs to be said about it. —Jeff Royer (Photo: Jingle Cat Records)
The opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.
