My, my how the tables turned—faster than Joyce’s hair tossing—on Monday night’s “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” With the nastiness at an all-time high (am I the only one who needed to take some Pepto?), no one was immune to hating or being hated, and the division was clear: Team Ball Busters (Yolanda, Lisa, Carlton and Brandi) suddenly became the Mean Girls to Team Fluffy (Kyle, Kim and Joyce) at Joyce’s Palm Springs weekend getaway. (And for the record: None of these chicks are “girls’ girls,” no matter how much they claim to be. #Preach.)
Sure, Team Fluffy is usually annoying, air-headed, superficial, and uber girly in an eye-rolling way, but the way I see it, Monday night Team Ball Busters were pretty dang horrible and won the award for looking ridiculous and petty—with an embarrassingly drunk-arse Brandi leading the charge. Indeed, the crown de jackass is bequeathed to the tall blond five-lb., part-time lesbian, who was at her utmost biatchy, as she purposely and incessantly called Joyce “Jacqueline” just to unnerve her. The Puerto Rican princess kept her cool and tried to be positive and civil—as did Kyle and Kim—which was rather shocking to see.
Check out why you should never be on a reality show with rich peri- and postmenopausal women who are astoundingly bored with their lives:
While Brandi lets the world know she’s got a second sex-filled book deal filled with rough drafts on nipple twisting, g-spots, and choking, Carlton pulls “a Joyce” and lists all of Kyle’s infractions to Kyle’s face in order “to resolve” the bitterness that’s making her pentagram foot tattoo glow.
A few days later, all the ladies meet up at Joyce’s girly weekend getaway at a seven-acre sprawl in Palm Springs: Team Fluffy naively and rather dumbly hopes that they’ll all get along, while Team Ball Busters are ready to scratch off their frenemies’ faces and drink the leftover Botox like ceviche in a cup.
Pool time and drinky drinks! Thinking of the best way to renew her contract with Bravo, Brandi begins downing the bubbly in her teenie weenie bikini and unleashing her “Jacqueline Marathon”—calling Joyce by the wrong name over and over again in hopes the pageant queen will go el pollo loco on her. But this time, no dice.
While Brandi and Carlton let their man-made mammaries float in the pool, as the other ladies bask in the heat, Brandi blurts out that she and Miss Wicca had a “friendship kiss the other night.” Although Carlton’s eyeballs almost fall out of their sockets at Brandi’s admission, she eventually warms up to it, and the two demonstrate their “friendship kiss” for all to see…(Kim quietly wishes she could show everyone her friendship kiss with her pit bull Kingsley, but that’s another show altogether).
Disturbed that they’re the only ones letting their va-jay-jays cool off in the pool, Brandi and Carlton put the pressure on the rest of the gals to take a dip. The leftover Ball Busters get into the water, but Team Fluffy refuses. Again, Brandi continues to call Joyce “Jacqueline” and demands she be a good hostess and swim. Kyle responds by telling Team Ball Busters to stop putting on the “peer pressure,” to which Carlton quickly slams as an “offensive” term. (According to Kyle, the level at which Carlton is trying to find fault with her is like searching for “tits on an ant.”)
To shut them all up, Joyce confesses that she doesn’t know how to swim. “You’re a black person!” shouts Brandi, who says her black friends would all be laughing at her joke. But for this crowd and for Joyce, CRICKETS. Completely offended, Joyce storms into the house—all three ounces of her.
Already drunk outta their badonka donks, Team Ball Busters sits down for dinner with a sober Team Fluffy. Brandi continues calling Joyce “Jacqueline,” and Joyce continues forgiving Brandi with as much grace as she can muster but warns: “I will not acknowledge you when you call me Jacqueline.” She also adds that Brandi should steer clear of calling her “Yoyce” because that’s what the kids called her to BULLY her in high school…
Ruh roh. The B-word gets Lisa into a tizzy and suddenly the Brit tells Joyce to cool it, (although I have to say, in this instance, it doesn’t seem like Joyce was actually insinuating Brandi was being a bully). Kim tries to come to Joyce’s aid, but Lisa rolls her eyes at Kim—her way of communicating how level headed she herself is being and how ridiculous Kim is for disagreeing with her.
Trying to avoid estrogen apocalypse, Joyce changes the subject by telling everyone she was recently filmed on a show and would like everyone to watch her debut! Yippie! Out of nowhere, Brandi exclaims that the name Joyce sounds like a “big, fat pig.” Kyle shakes her head out of disbelief. Then Yolanda and Carlton call Kyle out for shaking her head! Before you know it, the whole story about Yolanda saying bad sh*t about Lisa in Paris gets regurgitated again, and when Joyce tries to intervene, Yolanda tells the beauty queen to shove it. Defending Joyce, Kyle tells Yolanda to chill out and focus on having a conversation with her about the incident, but then boom! Lisa jumps on Kyle for having issues with anyone!
“Lisa is 100 percent part of the Lisa-Yolanda-Brandi Team,” Kyle tells the camera. “She doesn’t want to admit that because it’s childish to be part of a team, but that’s a fact.” (It’s also a fact that Lisa is close to getting her AARP membership, so we understand why Lisa is in denial about her childishness.)
So what’s Brandi’s last inebriated confessional of the night? She directs her piehole puke-age at Kyle.
“It’s hard because you seem so sweet, but you become this crazy a**hole,” the blond slurs.
“Excuse me?” exclaims Kyle.
Exsqueeze us all. Sweet lawdy.