Monday night’s season premiere of the “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” was all stiff-necked (and, of course, stiff-faced) business, with a Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce party hosted by Kyle and conveniently catered by frenemy Lisa through her sexy eatery Sur (Bravo’s clever way of giving the Brit’s spinoff, “Vanderpump Rules,” some pump-age in its viewership).
But before the cozy party got underway, a huge backdrop of grudges, lies and tabloid gossip was mounting among Yolanda, Kyle and Lisa.
New “Housewives” Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud didn’t get a ton of airtime, but they both made entrances: Carlton with her children’s exotic Goth-y names and Joyce with her need to identify her husband’s package in kindy-garten terms.
Check out how all the ladies barely behaved themselves:
In lovely scripted fashion, Kyle is busily working at her Beverly Hills boutique, when all of a sudden—shazaam!—the director of the BH Chamber of Commerce waltzes through the door. The director asks her to be a part of the board and mentions that the 100th anniversary of Beverly Hills is right around the corner. This gives Kyle the ingenious thought of hosting a small party at her house for people she’s never met, to invite all of her frenemies to join in on stink-eye contests, and to have estranged bud Lisa cater the whole dang thing using her incestuous bartender and wait staff at Sur, who give an all-new meaning to the word “crabfest.”
But before the soiree commences, Lisa swings by Kyle’s pad to chat. Looking more bootilicious than usual, thanks to her busy schedule dancing with her “straight” partner on “Dancing With the Stars,” Lisa immediately confronts Kyle about her unresolved beef with Yolanda from last season’s reunion show…it’s what I like to call “Sh*t Gate.” (For those of you who need a refresher, Kyle accused Yolanda of saying that Lisa was “full of sh*t” during their Paris trip, but Yolanda vehemently denied it. Both Kyle and Yolanda ended up calling the other a liar and haven’t spoken since. Added on to that, Yolanda is pretty offended at Kyle for not checking up on her as she was recovering from Lyme Disease.)
Anywho, Kyle tries to convince Lisa that Yolanda is guilty of “Sh*t Gate,” but Lisa isn’t buying what Kyle’s selling. Instead, the Brit asks her frenemy if she’s been slamming her in the tabloids and then quickly segues into the rumors that Mauricio is letting his droopy eyes wander from skirt to skirt. Kyle frowns with disdain…oh, it’s on, Lisa.
Once the party gets started, newbie Carlton and her husband walk in, and their children’s names—Destiny, Mysteri and Cross—give a small indication that mum’s not your typical Beverly Hills Housewife. When Lisa meets fellow Brit Carlton, let’s just say, she doesn’t seem too impressed with the new girl’s accent. Ahem.
Fellow bouffanteers Yolanda and Brandi arrive, and like sharks, they circle around Kyle as if she’s a puffer fish waiting to be popped. But Kyle gives Yolanda the cold shoulder and instead warms up to the other new Housewife, Puerto Rican beauty queen Joyce Giraud, whom we’re convinced has competed in Janet Jackson lookalike contests in the past. And, by the by, what’s up with that Rapunzelian hair? TRESemmé, TRESemmé, ooh la la!
Once Carlton and Joyce meet, we realize how different the two ladies are. While Carlton is intense and reserved, Joyce is lighthearted, energetic and child-like. Recalling a story of her husband walking around naked on a vacation sans their kids, Joyce blurts out that he packs a “big pee pee.” In great horror, Carlton envisions this “big pee pee” flapping in the wind…and for now, she doesn’t see her swapping playdates with Joyce any time soon.
As for Brandi, although the mouthy gal is in a better financial situation and busy moving into a new place that was bought with her NY Times best-selling book, don’t think it’s above her to make a dig at Sur starlet (a.k.a. Eddie Cibrian’s booty call) Scheana.
When the two bump into each other at the party, Brandi wastes no time in pointing out Scheana’s two front gray teeth, which were recent implants after an “accident.” Scheana walks away and cries.
“She used to f**k my husband; I’m gonna mention her gray tooth,” Brandi tells loopy Kim, who’s probably worrying if her out-of-control pitbull is eating her Chanel couture at home.
Dang, it looks like it’s gonna be a dog-eat-dog world in The BH!
“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” airs Mondays at 8/7c on Bravo.