‘Survivor: Blood vs. Water’ Power Rankings – Malcolm’s Poetry Edition

by | October 29, 2013 at 12:51 PM | General, RealityTV, Survivor, TV News

"Survivor: Blood vs. Water" (CBS)

IMPORTANT NOTE: “Survivor” Power Rankings dynamo Malcolm Freberg is going to be appearing on “The Bold and the Beautiful” Wednesday, October 30 and Thursday, October 31 at 1:30 p.m. ET on CBS.

Less-Important Note: We’re going to be bringing you all kinds of “Survivor” fun this season including episode recaps, exit interviews, and Power Rankings with Malcolm Freberg. Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@gordonholmes) for up-to-the-minute news and info.

The Rules: Each week our two combatants will create separate power rankings. The ranking of the person who is voted out of the next episode will determine the number of points the two players will earn. For example, if Tyson is voted out this week, Malcolm will receive 1 point and Gordon will receive 7 points. Also, each player will pick the players they think will win at Redemption Island. They’ll receive a bonus point for each correct pick. At the end of the season, the person with the most points will be named the “Survivor: Blood vs. Water” Power Rankings Challenge Champion.

NOTE: If a current player decides to swap places with their loved one at Redemption Island, they’ll also swap places in the rankings. For example; if Hayden switches places with Kat, Kat will take the 9th spot in Malcolm’s rankings and the 10th spot in Gordon’s rankings.

Last Week: Malcolm had Kat in spot seven, Gordon had her in spot eleven. Malcolm had John and Brad winning at Redemption. Gordon correctly picked John and Laura M. So, the score for this round is Team Malcolm 8, Team Gordon 13. The current total score is Team Malcolm 72, Team Gordon 77.

Wager Update: Since Malcolm lost last week’s competition, his rankings for this week will have to rhyme. As the winner, Gordon gets to give official names to each ranking team. The loser of this week’s rankings will have to compare each of the contestants to a song title.

Team Glamor and Glitter, Fashion and Fame: 72

Any advice for Malcolm? Drop him a line on Twitter: @MalcolmWHW

Team Real American Heroes: 77

Any advice for Gordon? Drop him a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes

 1. Tyson – (My only ambitious, serious attempt at complex rhyming)

He believes in nothing, isn’t that nihilism?
Oh wait, magic! Thus spawns my favoritism;
Also, Miley Cyrus seriously lacks tact:
That wrecking ball line, she clearly hacked.

 1. Gervase - Who’s in a better spot than Gervase right now? He’s on the powerhouse new Tadhana tribe. He’s best buddies with Tyson, who will take all the bullets. And, with Brad Culpepper out of the game he has no natural enemies.
 2. Tina - (Middle school bully with a strong opposition to incest)

Tina and Katie, sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
This is getting weird so I’m gunna stop,
But this Mommy and Daughter you won’t top.

 2. Tina – The winner of the second season of “Survivor” could have been in some serious trouble last week. She blew the challenge…twice and she was the only person to be paired with their loved one in the tribe swap. But, she managed to turn two people who could’ve teamed up against her against each other. Well played.
 3. Gervase - (The intro to “Baby Got Back,” remixed)

Oh. My. God. Becky, look at his shirt.
It is so big.
It looks like one of those stupid snuggies.
He only wears it because he can fit three people inside.
I mean, his shirt, it’s just so huge and so billowy…
I mean, LOOK. It’s just so, GREEN.

(No, it doesn’t rhyme, but it’s in the proper spirit and I’m a disgruntled Cowboys fan and that shirt is getting on my nerves)

 3. Monica - You might not technically be in the driver’s seat over at new Galang, (I think Tina’s really pulling the strings) but it certainly looks like you are.

 4. Monica – (To the tune of the Grinch’s song)

That was a close one, Monica;
That was well played, to stick, a-rouuunnd,
But you keep referring to yourself in the third person,
And it’s starting to drive me crazy,
Mon-icaaaaa.

 4. Caleb - Tadhana is such a mess of pre-merge positioning that nobody is even thinking about Caleb’s slick move to get rid of Brad. Caleb’s best bet now is to sit back and let the alphas tear each other apart. That is if Tadhana ever loses immunity.

  5. Laura B. – (Haiku)

Let me be very clear:
I still don’t support tie-dye,
But you need not fear.

 5. Katie – Oh man, I can’t think of anything worse than being on a tribe with my mom. The last thing I need is her sharing stories about the bunny slippers I wore to summer camp with my tribe mates. That, and I don’t know if my mother has the “Survivor” chops to save my tushy like Katie’s does.
 6. Caleb – (To the tune of any Kenny Chesney’s “When the Sun Goes Down”)

Just sittin here on my rotting log chair,
Drinking coconuts in the hot summer air,
Nothing to do but avoid the fray,
Cuz all the big strong boys about to go away…

 6. Ciera - And the winner of the 2013 “Survivor: Blood vs. Water” tribe swap is…Ciera! Nobody needed this shakeup more than she did. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than to be good. She should happily throw her vote toward whichever side has the majority at the next Tribal.
 7. Katie – (Any song sung by Vanilla Ice ever)

YO! Little lady lookin’ fly,
But she aint done s**t  ‘xcept almost die;
She got rotting feet and a tribe so beat,
Good thing yo mama playin’ a game E-LEET.
ICEMAN!

  7. Tyson - Tyson thinks he’s coming off as being funny with his digs at Aras, but Aras is the type that doesn’t let anything get by him. In a game that’s being called “Do unto others before they do unto you,” Tyson might be tipping his hand a little.
 8. Ciera – (Shakespeare, age nine)

Mommy being gone, ‘tis a plus for you,
That doesn’t mean you’re worth more than poo;
But being no good thou shalt no longer rue,
Being not a threat makes mine pre-game pick cometh true.

 8. Aras – Kudos to Aras and Vytas for playing up the rivalry aspect of their relationship. It almost makes you think they could be convinced to turn on each other. Almost. They’re both way too smart for that. Getting rid of one of them should be a top priority.
 9. Hayden – (Tune of LFO’s “Summer Girls”)

Hip-hop marmalade spic and span,
Saw Kat on Redemption and it all began,
She’s the best girl that he ever did see,
But she didn’t make the merge, umm sorry oop-sie.
You better not switch in, I don’t think she’d let you,
She should run the challenge; you’re better off not to,
Still in trouble if Tyson keeps Aras,
So you best shut up about those coconuts.

  9. Laura B. - Mrs. Boneham might be the floatiest floater who ever floated. Is she close with anyone? If I’m her, I’m getting in all of the female ears at new Galang and warning them about what will happen when the Baskauskas unite at the merge.
 10. Aras – (Intro to “Age of Aquarius”)

The gaaaaaame is in the fifteenth day,
And Tysoooon aligns with Gervase;
Then Tadhaaaaanaaa may cut their leeeeeader,
And the coconut baaandiiiits will steer the game,
THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF THE BANDITS

(I’m tired of rhyming, damnit)

  10. Hayden – Both a Hayden vote and an Aras vote make sense. They’re both going to be serious forces after the merge. The only reason I’m slightly going with Hayden over Aras is because Tyson and Gervase will see that Kat is gone and they’ll realize that they might not have the base they thought they were going to have.
 11. Vytas – (Third grader who doesn’t fully understand rhyming)

Tribe, bad.
Only boy, bad.
Mouthy, bad
Merge coming, bad.
Conclusion, bad.
I hoped you enjoyed reading this poem as much as I did writing it thank you goodbye.

  11. Vytas - You played it perfectly last week and it bought you some time. The question is; can you do it again? I’m thinking your only move here is to target Laura B. Obviously Tina and Katie won’t turn on each other and Monica has been tight with Tina since the beginning. If we weren’t so close to the merge I’d have Laura B. at the bottom of this list, but I don’t think Galang cares about challenge strength at this point.
 Redemption Island Picks: Laura M. and John – (Freestyle battle somewhere in downtown Detroit)

Yea, yea, yea…
Alright, alright – John sittin’ there all big and muscle-y,
Getting’ his back rubbed down by a sweet grand mommy,
(crowd: ‘OHHHHHH!!!’)
Two smart cookies got all the skills in the Kit,
Gunna do work to get rid of Kat.
(begin mosh pit and a full crowd rhythmic chant of …)
KIT – KAT – KIT – KAT – KIT – KAT
(crowd leaves to commit arson)
 Redemption Island Picks: Laura M. and John – The good news for Kat; Hayden isn’t going to dump her for being voted out before the merge. The bad news for Kat; he probably will when she loses her first Redemption Island challenge.

And Laura and John…for me, for the producers, for “Survivor” fans everywhere…give the idol clue to someone who will use it.

Watch Full Episodes of “Survivor: Blood vs. Water