A season of devastating hurricanes both literally and figuratively, exhaustive family therapy trips, a violent Joe-on-Joe meatball collision, horse whisperer revelations, and a rebuilding of family (despite Kim D’s troops of anti-Melissa Gorga trolls) were the hallmarks of this season’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
But Sunday night’s season finale added some additional breakthroughs that we thought were neurologically impossible, but alas, they actually happened!
Of course, those miracles were birthed under dirty circumstances, but that’s just how the Gorgas and the Giudices roll …
At Kim D’s Posh II opening soiree — which, of course, the entire cast happens to attend — Melissa confronts gossip monger Penny about why she and her loser husband Johnny are spreading lies about her being a stripper and a cheater.
Penny, who’s in desperate need of a new set of weaves, accuses Teresa of giving her the information and “ordering” her to spread gossip about Melissa.
Although she promised to be “calm as cucumber,” Teresa freaks out and resorts to helium screaming, claiming Penny is a psychopathic liar. (But both Melissa and Joe believe there’s some truth to Penny’s claims … even if she looks like a recovering meth addict.)
Before things get too heated, in comes Penny’s hubby Johnny, whom we can tell spends a lot of time on Twitter while eating meatball sandwiches.
Always looking for an opportunity to thrash about like a hamster on acid, Joe Gorga confronts Big Johnny on where he’s getting his detailed information from and why he’s such a jack-hole for tweeti-mongering his wife.
No big surprise, an over-the-top brawl ensues, and as Johnny attempts to eat Joe for dessert, Caroline starts to scream at Kim D.
“Are you happy?! Are you happy — what you did to a [expletive deleted] family?!?” she blurts out at Kim D, who has a unique way of looking like Satan’s wife.
The evening ends when everyone disperses, and tension between the Gorgas and the Giudices begins to simmer once again.
But lo and behold, a breakthrough!
As Joe and Teresa hang with Jacqueline and Chris, the latter couple encourage Teresa to ‘fess up and be honest with her brother about her involvement in the gossip. After a few glasses of champagne, Teresa indirectly admits that perhaps maybe, just maybe she shouldn’t have hung around with the wrong crowd!
At an informal BLK tasting, Teresa and bro Joe get a chance to talk. Initiating the conversation, Teresa makes a move unprecedented in the show’s history and her life’s history: She admits she made a mistake! She tells Joe she was wrong for hanging around women who hated Melissa and that perhaps at the time she did so because it validated her anger towards her sis-in-law! Not only that, she also acknowledged that she doesn’t want to get in the way of him putting his wife and kids first. “I just love you. That’s it,” Teresa said with tears.
Hearing her multiple mea culpas, Joe Gorga’s cajones drop to the ground in disbelief, and he cries like a baby. They embrace … (and his black hair spray gets all over Teresa’s face without her knowing).
Six months after Hurricane Sandy, Teresa and Joe decide to invite everyone over to their Jersey Shore house, which is still under construction. They have a barbecue and a bonfire in the back, and everyone toasts to their long journey to healing … while their little children drift off in a boat unattended and sail away to the Motherland …
As the show ends, we learn that: Kathy is still filling her life with cannolis and building a dream home, Jacqueline is focusing on Nick’s recovery, Caroline bails on the Hoboken apartment and decides to retreat back to her old Jersey McMansion, and Melissa and Joe end up selling their home for $3.8 million, broken sinks and all.
As for Joe and Tre? A happily-ever-after has yet to be seen as the couple faces mail, wire and bankruptcy fraud charges that could land them in the clink for 50 years.
Whatta they’s gonna do? We’ll see next year …