‘The Bachelorette’: Des Gets Her Man, Next ‘Bachelor’ Revealed

by | August 6, 2013 at 7:24 AM | RealityTV, The Bachelorette

Desiree and Chris in "The Bachelorette" Finale (Photo: ABC)

On Monday night’s “The Bachelorette” finale, the lovesick, oily-faced audience and the rest of America saw a girl all finally growed up! After fugly crying her brains out after losing Brooks, Des experienced an epiphany: She realized she deserves to be loved fully, richly and poetically! Thus, she fell into the arms of the ever emotionally available Chris and said “I do” a “thousand times” in a lovely marriage proposal that had unhappy MILFs punching themselves in the chest with envy and melodrama!

Yes, indeedy, the two loving dorks could not deny their dorkdom, which meant Des dissed Drew and let go of the hopes of ever having ankle biters with mini fros and elephant tusk-like teeth with Brooks.

“Sometimes you have to go through the hard and difficult to see the good,” Des said while talking to Chris Harrison, whom we horrifically discovered has very petite, childlike hands.

So what are the newly engaged couple up to? Once Chris joined Des in the hotseat during the “After the Final Rose” special, they announced she’ll be moving to Seattle and that they’ll be shacking it up in a new pad, (far enough away from Chris’ father who has a habit of stalking his son to pull the boogers out of his nose with his chiropractic contraptions).

Although Brooks and Drew made guest appearances before Chris came out, the two revealed nothing special and their interactions with Des made our eyeballs roll back into our eye sockets with boredom. Although emotions were still somewhat raw, the dudes basically wished her the best of luck…and Brooks still seemed grateful he didn’t put a Neil Lane bling on it.

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As for the other big news of the night? Get ready to kick some major (soccer) balls because Juan Pablo Galavis is your new “Bachelor”! Yippie ki-yay! ABC is embracing diversity! Muy impressivo!

Once Chris Harrison revealed Juan as the new Don Juan come next January, the ladies in the audience went ba-nay-nay! Diaphragms popped in the air like graduation hats! Gay men suddenly found themselves pregnant! Chris Harrison licked the sweat beads off of his upper lip! It was a feverishly joyous occasion!

Oh, golly me, what a ride this season has been! Surely, you’ll come back and wanna join in loving up on Juan Pablo and seeing how his Pablo fares with next season’s Latin-loving Pablettes, no?

Watch Part 1 of “The Bachelorette” Season Finale Below: