It was the longest “I’m-just-not-that-into-you” break-up in “Bachelorette” history.
On Monday night, Des took her final three homeboys — Drew, Chris and Brooks — to the island of Antigua for her fantasy-suite-date crab extravaganza, but discovered her worst fears had come true: A love unrequited! Shafted!
So what ensued? More crying and snot running than ever heard or seen in the franchise’s history!
But more sadly, Des topped all Bachelorettes by showing herself the most vulnerable in the midst of her heartbreak! Even when she knew she was being rejected, she let the guy know she was madly, truly, deeply in love with him! The only good thing that came from this horrific scene was that her mascara stayed intact.
Eager Beaver: Des has her first date with bucktoothed Drew! He drives them through the windy roads in a jeep, consciously ignoring all the shanty towns, so they can continue believing that the island is a utopia full of rich people.
The couple pulls up to Shirley Heights, a mansion up on a hill, and hang out with other gross tourists and sweat like crazy. They receive a bamboo-shaped heart from a nice local with three missing teeth. After kissing passionately, Drew cuts Des some pineapple and suppresses his filthy man burps.
In the evening, they continue their face-slurping marathon. Because of the rain, they go to her bumpity-bump-bump fantasy suite room early, and he immediately accepts her offer. After practically asking her to marry him, Drew then tells her he’s in love and that he plans on staring at her with his Cyclops eye forevermore. They make out and kick the camera guys out, and one can only guess that they do the Nasty McNast.
Still in the States, in a Bad State of Mind: Before flying out to Antigua, Brooks talks to his mom and sis about where his heart is at … because heaven knows everyone knows where his teeth are at.
He tells them he has major doubts, and his mom and sis agree he has no business asking for Des’ hand in marriage if his heart isn’t 100 percent into it. He knows what he must doooo!
Starry-Eyed Poet: Des meets up with victim number two: Chris! They go on a helicopter ride and fly out to a deserted island. As they near it, they see Chris Harrison bathing in the nude. They scream in horror, and the pilot almost crashes the helicopter at the sight of Chris’ shameless white and wrinkly ba-junka-junk. Luckily, Des and Chris are able to recompose themselves and have a picnic on the beach.
For dinner, Des continues wearing another homely outfit from Stein Mart, and they drink pina coladas to get the fantasy suite night party started right. But before that, they talk about the future. Chris tells her he has a potential job in Seattle and asks how she feels about moving there. Her libido crashes to the floor, and she tells him California is her home but reassures him that she could make it work if need be. Excited at her concession, Chris sucks her teeth and almost writes a poem about it.
No surprise, when she gives him the fantasy suite card, he accepts. As they walk into her room, Drew is still in the room, snoring and buck naked. She slams the door just in time, so Chris doesn’t see Drew, and directs him to a couch outside. Oblivious, Chris pulls out his notebook and decides to kill our soul by reading her another dang poem for the zillionth time. She nods off but jolts up when he says he wants to make out. They go into a pool, and he tells her he loves her. They look up at the stars, and Des makes a secret wish that he’ll be man enough to offer up his dangly parts for the night. (But she knows he’s too uptight and nerdy for that.)
It’s Not Me, It’s You: Des tells the camera she has deeper feelings for Brooks than Drew or Chris! WTF! But little does she know she’s about to get dumped!
Reveling in the drama that’s about to unfold, Chris Harrison visits Brooks who tells the host he feels “nuttin honey” in his heart for Des, which means “hellz no,” he’s not ready to get married after nine weeks with a stranger. About to crack up at the revelation, Chris Harrison stifles his joy by focusing on Brooks’ butt chin.
With a heavy heart, Brooks finally meets up with Des and tells her they really need to talk. She immediately tears up because she can guess what’s coming. He compliments her for hours before getting to his point, forcing the starving production crew to take a break and grill up some wild goats roaming along the beach. Finally, still in a roundabout way, Brooks tells her he’s not in love. She explodes into tears!
Out of respect for this sad moment, ABC does the most sympathetic thing ever by not putting up any more tweets on the screen. Wow. Brooks tries to comfort Des, but she screams “Stop it!” Then she bluntly whisper screams,”I don’t know what to say! I ruv rooo!”
Totally distraught, but still totally not in love, Brooks puts his hands in his Vidal Sassoon hair and says in a defeated voice that he’s sorry. He pulls his fingers away from his hair to reveal a mega fro.
“For once in my life, I was hopeful,” Des explains. “I never felt [so] completely in love … it sucks! It sucks that I loved you. But I love you … I don’t care that you broke my heart! I love you!”
More crying ensues. Brooks’ hair gets bigger and bigger from the stress.
If that isn’t already really bad, Des continues her heartbroken rant. “I didn’t want to share my heart; I wanted to give it to youuu!” she cries. (In hotel rooms far away, Chris and Drew’s nether regions suddenly shrink in shame.)
“I’m sorry,” Brooks dumbly continues to say. Des hugs him one last time, runs away to the dock, and cries her brains out. He then cries his hair out.
“It breaks my heart I have two amazing guys who love me, but I just can’t love them as much … and that’s not what they deserve!” Des sobs in front of the camera. “Honestly for me, it’s over.”
Highlight From Next Week’s Eppy: Girlfriend says she just wants to throw in the towel and go home!
This season of “The Bachelorette” concludes next Monday night (Aug. 5) with a two-hour finale episode starting at 8/7c, plus a one-hour “After the Final Rose” special at 10/9c.