On Monday night’s “The Bachelorette,” Des and her home boys ventured out to a land known for their gummy bears, Marienplatz, and enviable giant sausages … Munich, Germany! Danke very much! But while Des began falling for some of the men, little did she know there were some others who turned out to be shadier than the shadows of big German girls named Helga.
By the end of the show, so much drama-dramz transpired: 1) One guy decided Des was more boring than watching corn grow and jet-set back home; 2) Another bachelor attempted to annihilate a top contender in the ultimate confrontational showdown whilst half-naked in a hot tub; and 3) Alas, two other guys overheard a beefcake discuss possibly becoming the next “Bachelor”! What the heck?!
Let’s navigate through this pretzel of ruv together…
Boring, Meet Boring
On her first one-on-one date in Germany, Des picks Chris—the guy we’re just starting to realize exists—to roam the streets of Munich with.
As they’re giggling and dancing around in the square like obnoxious Americans, Bryden suddenly crashes their date to give Des a message: He’d rather marry a John Deer tractor than spend the rest of his life with someone who sketches wedding dresses and butterflies all day in a journal. He goes home, and she returns to Chris in tears.
Reassuring her at a beer hall, Chris tells her he’s in it for the long haul. They drink and burp the afternoon away.
At dinner Des and Chris feel instant chemistry, thanks to their nerdy personalities. As they both discuss what they want out of a relationship, we quickly fall asleep with our mouths open…until Chris pulls out his poetry book and recites the following to Des:
I love your face in the morning when it’s newly swollen—
The way your cankles shine in the evening moon—
I hunger for a popcorn kernel
With tears in her eyes, she gives him the rose, and for the ten thousandth time, a pop singer in need of extra cash performs for them, so they can dance the night away in cheesy fashion.
Watch Monday Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette” Here:
On Des’ group date, she takes Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zach, Brooks, Drew and Mikey to the highest mountain peak in Germany. As they ride the gondola, they see some breathtaking views, which is great because some of the guys forgot to brush their teeth.
At the top of the high mountain, they all smile and get ready to sled as their noses bleed profusely. But there’s no time for Kleenex, they’re off like rockets! They scream and zoom down the icy path and kill a few locals down the way to the bottom.
Once they finish burying the dead in the snow, Des takes them to an igloo hotel. As she makes out with various dudes, the guys begin to show their disdain for James because they think he’s a vulgar, arrogant playahhh! But James and his thick neck have Des smitten—at least for now.
But in the end, Des goes for a leaner, more feminine neck and gives the rose to Brooks, who is one step away from being a woman.
The Lawyer and the Christian
Michael and Ben end up being on the dreaded two-on-one date. With hatred filled in his elf nose, lawyer Michael is prepared to expose Ben for the fraud that he is and show he’s guilty of impersonating a southern gentleman.
When they meet up with Des, the two guys waste no time in creating a horrible tension. To break the ice, Des suggests they all take the polar plunge. But before the producers can hand over Band Aid nipple protectors, she tells them it was all a joke. Haha—so funny!
Instead, they all go on a hot-tub boat ride down the lake! But even that steamy setting doesn’t stop Michael from attacking Ben every chance he gets! As a self-proclaimed man of faith, Ben tries to keep his cool, but he’s about to lose his religion. The two eventually forget Des is even there and just use her as a buffer before they secretly consider slapping each other and making out.
At dinner Michael is ready to unleash his fury again on good Christian Ben. He asks Ben why he can’t get along with the guys, while Des looks on nervously, blinking faster than a hummingbird. Ben calmly replies he’s trying to focus on Des. Then Des changes the subject to family traditions. When Ben responds by saying he’s a religious man, Michael attacks him again and asks why he didn’t go to Easter service when the entire house had gone together. So there. About to explode into his angriest Josh Brolin face, Ben storms out. Des tells Michael he needs to leave the lawyery interrogating at home.
But once she gets one-on-one time with Michael, he gets to the meaty stuff: He tells her the reason why he’s so hard on Ben is because he overheard him talking about opening up a bar business through the fame he’ll receive from being on the show.
And with that, Des shocks us and disses her frontrunner out the door! She chooses Michael over Ben. The law stays! Shocked and dejected, the Texan single dad tells Des she’s making a mistake but graciously leaves (and then acts like a jerk in the limo ride back). Once the guys hear Ben’s a goner, they jump up for joy and celebrate by giving each other pedicures.
While their toes are drying, Drew tells some of the guys that he and Kasey overheard James talking about the possibility of becoming the next “Bachelor” if he gets to the final four. Say it ain’t so!
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Mind Made Up
At the cocktail party, Des tells Chris Harrison—whose forehead is looking unusually large that night—that she’s made up her mind on whose heart she’ll destroy and doesn’t need a cocktail party.
At hearing this, Drew and Kasey are on the verge of exploding with righteous indignation. James’ neck thickens with pride and expands past the width of his bullet head.
In the end, Des hands out roses to every guy except for Meathead Mikey.
“I’m definitely surprised,” Mikey tells the camera. (No one else is surprised.)
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.
Highlights for Next Week
Bar-the-lona, Spain! Des cries and shows her weird top teeth! Drew and Kasey confront James! James flips out! James cries to Des to fool her even more!