The reprieve is over: Are you ready for makeout sessions, tears of joy and rage, apes grunting, exotic locales, hideous bouffants, fantasy suites, and a possible Neil Lane ring on it (with a potential contractual spot on “Dancing With the Stars”)? Are you ready for Suri Cruise to have a responsible, loving stepfather?
Well, wait no more, because come this Monday, ABC’s “The Bachelorette,” starring Desiree Hartsock, will premiere at 8/7c! And just like Des, our reaction is: “Hee Hee Hee!”
And since we’re privileged like that, we had the honor of seeing the premiere and all the excite-o-ballsiness it has to offer! So without further adieu, here are seven and a half highlights that you should definitely look out for:
1) The number of times Des explodes into tears of gratitude—not for having 25 guys groveling and gorilla grunting over her—but for the fact she gets to stay in her luxurious Bachelorette pad. (That’s what happens when a chick lives in a tent as a kid.)
2) Chris Harrison’s 103rd attempt at looking young and hip.
3) A dearth of good-looking guys who look 10 years older than they claim to be…but hey! there’s always personality!
3.5) The 5’2″ Alec Baldwin-lookalike who is a tailor by day, magician by night. (We halved this point in honor of his height.)
4) The social-media strategist who can’t speak a sentence without saying “hashtag,” while simultaneously looking like his butt is on fire.
5) The creepy ER doc who tries to be Don Juan but ends up ripping Des’ dress! You animal!
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6) A lawyer who has no qualms in telling Des he literally wants the fantasy suite to happen NOW! Bow chicka wow wow!
7) An entrepreneur who prefers being buck naked 24-7.
And the rest…well, you’ll have to tune in, folks!
Down your vodka and set your DVRs: The new season of “The Bachelorette” premieres Monday, May 27th at 8/7c on ABC.