You know it’s that time again: Welcome back, Fockerville! Monday night’s “Bachelor” brought all of Sean’s potential in-laws onto the small screen as he traveled all over the country for his hometown dates, and this time, ballbusting dissension was in the air!
Half of the hometowns were predictable happy ending snooze fests, but things got a little unnerving for Sean with two of the girls’ families—one was full of polite skepticism and the other was straight up bro-to-bro haterade!
Check out the bruising here:
Sean meets control freak AshLee and her lil terrier in her hometown of Houston, Texas. Before she takes him to meet her beloved Fockers, AshLee looks deep into his eyeballs and conveys to him how much he’s saved her from her dark side! Beads of sweat trickle down Sean’s face, and he realizes he’s taking the place of her antidepressants. Feeling abandoned and jealous, AshLee’s terrier leaves a special present in Sean’s shoes while they’re not looking.
Finally, Sean meets AshLee’s folks, and they all sit down amid a wonderful buffet spread, brought to you by Golden Corral. Her pastor dad asks what they’ve done so far on their reality TV journey, and AshLee strangely gets teary eyed when she tells them about the polar plunge in Canada. She finds a way of relating her abandonment issues as an orphan to jumping into the icy waters…
Before Sean can assess how much he’ll have to owe in therapy bills if he decides to be with her, AshLee makes him break into a sweat when she inappropriately tells her folks that there’s been some hoochie coochie going on between them. At hearing this, her mom’s beaver tail toupee almost pops off.
Nonetheless, the two parents give Sean their blessing, and AshLee’s dad even tears up about his desire to have a man love her as much as he loves her. Aww. Sean goes cross eyed.
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It’s Seattle time with Catherine! Sean meets up with Miss Giggles and greets her Filipino Fockers! In a span of a few hours, Sean is forced to eat egg rolls and prepare them wearing a yellow ruffled apron, do push ups on the floor with Catherine’s badonka donk weighing him down, and make nice with Grandma, who looks him up and down and tells everyone she’d tap that.
When he talks to Cathy Cat’s two older sisters, they dis their sis by implying she may be too young for marriage and that she’s a moody, messy freak. When Sean talks to Mom, he asks for her blessing if ever he decides to ask for Catherine’s hand in marriage, but she looks at him with a condescending albeit kind smile and says with great practicality, “Let’s wait and see.”
Meanwhile, Grandma Focker salaciously eats her egg rolls as she stares at Sean’s manhood with great intensity…
Feeling pretty nervous, Sean ventures out to Missouri to meet Lindsay’s two-star army general father and the rest of her fam. The lovebirds drive onto the army base, and the family greets the couple at the door of their house. (In the background, we see Lindsay’s younger bro hastily hiding her ProActive products in the bathroom cabinets.).
Mom is all smiles and asks Sean if he loves their baby girl. In all honesty, he tells her he’s not in a position to say so, but considering he can tolerate her chin acne, that should indicate his feelings for her. As for Sean’s big talk with Army Dad, he realizes that Lindsay’s pops is actually a really nice guy. Although Dad hesitates to give Sean his blessing, he ends up giving it to him in the end because generals, he says, have to be decisive! Ten-hut!
For his last hometown date, Sean flies back to Los Angeles to meet Des’ Fockers, but oh, buddy, he has no idea how much haterade is waiting for him!
As the two are waiting for Des’ fam to come over her house, ding dong! A skinny dude appears at her door and freaks out on her, claiming to be her ex boyfriend.
“Des, I love you! We’ve been together for two years and now, nothing?! Do you really wanna be with this actor?!” the skinny dude says as Sean and his threatened chesticles walk up to him. But lo and behold, it’s a prank! Gotcha back, biatch! Sean laughs and compliments Des on getting her revenge from the prank he pulled on her on their first date.
But the prank turns into the real stuff when Des’ fam arrives. Although her parents are sweet as pie, her older bro Nate is an overly protective sour puss and doesn’t take a liking to Sean Juan!
When Des talks to her bro, she refers to Sean as her best friend. “He’s already your best friend?! Nate mocks. “I think [this process] is kinda stupid…there’s no way this can work out.” (First genius answer in the history of the franchise.)
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Then Nate pulls Sean aside in the middle of dinner and tells him straight up he thinks Sean isn’t really into his sister as much as she’s into him and that he sees him as a “playboy.” Sean bites his tongue and tries to be polite amid the insults, but an awkward silence comes between them. When Sean suggests they go back upstairs, he contemplates on letting a big one rip out of pure spite, but he checks himself before he wrecks himself.
At the rose ceremony, Sean is torn on who to boot off. He narrows it down to Catherine and Des, but to add to the confusion, Des pulls him aside right before he starts handing out the roses and tearfully apologizes for her rude dude bro.
When Sean goes back to the ceremony, and he hands out roses to AshLee and Lindsay, he walks away once more and tells Chris he needs more time to figure out which gal’s heart is worthy of decimating.
In the end, he narrows it down to who he’ll miss the most…and he decides Des and the baggage of her hellion bro are worth saying “peace out” to. Devastated because she wholly believes in her superiority among the other contestants, Des tells Sean he’s making a huge mistake. But when Sean looks into her eyes, all he can see is Nate in a sumo wrestler’s outfit, waiting to make his move. He pushes her into the car and tells her to have a great future with Tom Cruise.
Highlights From the Next Eppy
Sean tells all tomorrow—and he’s got a lot to say about Des’ bro and round brows Tierra!