‘Bachelor’ Premiere Recap: Surprise Veteran Contestants Return for Sean Lowe

by | January 8, 2013 at 10:36 AM | RealityTV, Recap, The Bachelor

Sean Lowe on "The Bachelor" (ABC)

The visuals were a lot to take in on Monday night’s premiere of “The Bachelor.” Aside from Sean Lowe drinking less whey protein and looking a bit thinner this season, there were generous amounts of sweaty boob shots (and we’re not talking ladies!), recycled familiar faces from old Bachelor shows (losahs!), minority bachelorettes, and even an iPad! (oh, Angry Birds!)

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As we embark on this journey, please brace yourself for the following: In light of who Sean is, expect to hear a lot of: “I’m so blessed” and “Oh my gosh,” along with seeing a lot of plaid dress shirts, V-necks, and SPF bottles specially formulated for sensitive pink skin throughout these next coming weeks.

As Sean is committed to marrying only once and finding his lovely bride on reality TV, let’s be committed to betting cash on the opposite. Let the games begin!

The Boobs Seen Round the World
It was like an erotic novel come to life as we watched the main character, Man Breasts—co-starring Sean Lowe—at their very finest. With Sean’s voice dubbed over, the beginning segment that shows Sean on the grounds of his Bachelor bungalow went a little something like this:

“I can’t wait to find love and be married…”
Scene: Camera pans over to Sean’s breasts bathing proudly in the California sun (see below).

“I believe in this process and that I will find my wife here…”
Scene: Camera zooms into Sean’s breasts pumping iron at the gym, with sweat lustily glistening amid the harsh fluorescent lighting.

“I know this will be an amazing journey, and I might have to break some hearts along the way…”
Scene: Camera angles this time into an unprecedented side boob shot of Sean’s chesticles as he jumps rope. A split screen emerges with Chris Harrison watching from behind the lens, a look of yearning smeared all over his god-like Davidian face.

As Sean stares off in a V-neck (of course, to emphasize cleavage), he tells the world: “I wanna be rich in love”…indeed, Sean, rich in love you may not yet be, but take heart, you are rich in breasts.

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Bromance and Kissing Tips from John Travolta, Jr.
Before Sean meets his ladies, a special guest arrives to give him some make out tips: It’s racecar driver Ari from Emily Maynard‘s season!

As the two giggle like girls at seeing each other, they grab some brewskies, and Ari gives Sean detailed advice on the art of kissing a girl…and we seem to hear a faint lingering of John Mayer’s “Your Body Is a Wonderland” playing in the background…

Ari initially demonstrates his Cassanova moves by actually inhaling Sean’s lips with great passion! At seeing this unfold, the producers demand the scene to be cut and force Ari to show Sean how to kiss from a distance, which is the edited version you see.

To ensure there will be no more man-on-man attacks, the producers order Ari’s body to be held back by a metal chain around his waist. And yes, the chain holder is a growling, jealous Chris Harrison! Grrrrr!

This love triangle is to be continued…

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All the Pretty Little Girls
Usually, in the part of the show where various bachelorettes are introduced, some gals really stick out, but last night, there turned out to be a lot more yawners than in season’s past. There was no one incredibly memorable or controversial, except I did notice there were some ladies who apparently had more teeth than deemed normal for human beings, which is quite disturbing to see…but Melissa Rivers and Steven Tyler would defend them, I’m sure.

The Limousine Meet and Greet
Thankfully, though, the ladies were given a second chance at being memorable with their limo intros. Some made attempts to stand out via cruise ship singing, back flips, using props like ties and pennies, but of the ladies who were worthy of noting, here are some below…

- Tierra: The Jamie Lynn Spears look alike. She was crowned the first girl to get a rose right out of the limo! Sean’s underworld felt a tingle for the bright-eyed 24-year-old gal, and he gave her some flower power, which caused heaps of tension among the kitty cat crowd! Meow. Meow.

- Sarah: A girl who was born with one arm. Sweet girl but has a bad case of feeling insecure about having one arm. We know how this rolls: If you don’t feel worthy, two arms or not, then you’ll end up packing your bags and going home.

- Paige: Previously on “Bachelor Pad 3″ as a Super Fan, Paige thought she was hot enough to return, but little does she understand, that for anyone to return to the franchise as a contestant, you are automatically put into the Losah(!) Bin in the minds of Bach fans.

- Ashley P.: Her mouth could fit a whale, which apparently she wouldn’t mind, considering her obsession with the erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” and her determination to reenact some X-rated moves on Sean “Dip-It” Lowe. She ends up doing a drunken bootie dance and falls onto the floor.

- Lindsay: The lil country mouse decides to wear a wedding dress but comes on strong with her kisses and her drunkenness throughout the course of the night. She assures conservative Sean that she has the same morals as he does, as she throws herself on him and hiccups.

- Kacie B.: If only she could change that bedroom-eyed, snaggle-toothed smile! Another one for the Losah(!) Bin, Kacie desperately clings to the idea of falling in love on TV and decides to let Sean know she has the hots for him on camera (they’ve met off camera). Sean, apparently shocked she’s there, politely welcomes her into the jungle of cats, but tells the cameras he thought they were just friends. (Hmm…wonder where this is gonna go…crash and burn, baby. Crash and burn.)

‘You Get a Rose! You Get a Rose! You Get a Rose!’
Move over Oprah and her cars, Sean Lowe’s got some spanky time roses! In a historical move, Sean bends the Bachelor rules by giving away roses as soon as he feels a connection to a lady. As various gals strut in with the coveted buds early on in the night, the tension soars and unhappy, empty uteruses ache in fear!

In the end, Sean hands out his remaining roses, which includes Kacie B., Lindsay the wedding dress drunk, and Taryn, the cry baby! In total, 19 ladies were chosen to take part in a romantic experiment that has been demonstrated to fail and guaranteed absolute humiliation. Yippee!

Highlights From This Season
Jealous boyfriends return! Tierra becomes a Fatal Attraction Mean Girl! Roller Derby! Tierra falls and gets a neck brace—oh the conspiracy! A couple minorities manage to survive the second episode! Roses fall dramatically in slo mo! Bored baboons eat on the beach!

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