A TV Junkie’s Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

by | December 20, 2012 at 4:34 PM | Special Features

"Doomsday Preppers" (National Geographic Channel)

Each collective step we take down our Gregorian timeline brings us closer to two future events that everyone seems pretty excited about: the day Nike starts selling jetboots, and Armageddon, when either the dead will rise from their graves, a space-giant will skip a France-sized asteroid pebble across the Pacific Ocean, or Michael Bay will win an Academy Award for his fine directorial effort on “Transformers 4.” Odds are, you’re woefully underprepared for any of those cataclysmic events, but that’s okay because if popular entertainment has taught us anything, it’s that surviving the end of the world is as easy as watching the most informative TV shows and taking careful note of all the highly-improbable survival tips they purport to offer.

10. “Survivor: Philippines”: For a sterling and recent example of precisely what not to do if you ever find yourself needing to forage food, build a shelter, and get along with several back-stabbing strangers, there’s no better place to look than “Survivor: Philippines”, a show that should teach us all to stay away from other people after the world ends, especially if they’re trying to enlist your help in a physically exhausting “challenge.” Catch up on full episodes of “Survivor: Philippines” on XfinityTV.com.

9. “Revolution”: If the power randomly goes out one fine day, you’ll want to make sure you’re caught up with “Revolution”, although the power-deficient near-future will probably have far less swashbuckling and far more heating of canned beans over an open fire in the Pine Barrens. Catch up on full episodes of “Revolution” on XfinityTV.com.

Watch the winter finale of “Revolution”:

8.“Man vs. Wild” : Sure, “Man vs. Wild” star Bear Grylls sleeps in the occasional Microtel, but who among us wouldn’t trade the ooze of a mud bed in the Everglades for a hot shower and some pay-per-view movies? If you watch Bear eat enough boll weevils and centipedes, eventually you might be able to work up the courage to forage for your own insects once the apocalypse renders your fancy refrigerator little more than a mold closet. Learn survival tips from Bear here on XfinityTV.com.

7. “The Twilight Zone”: When the end of the world comes, it’s most likely going to be weird, and there’s no better way to prepare for strange happenings than by watching “The Twilight Zone” until you learn precisely how you’d cope with finding yourself in an abandoned New Mexican town/nuclear testing facility/hallucination.

6. “House Hunters International”: Wait, how is a show about exotic real estate markets that you will probably never dabble in at all helpful with the apocalypse nigh at hand? I can see you lack the sort of outside-the-box thinking skills that become essential when Google no longer works, but it’s okay because we can learn all about surviving the aftermath together. When the zombie asteroid hits Earth, you’ll obviously want to find a better place to live because you’re current hovel probably isn’t zombie-proof. “House Hunters International” will not only help you find a new fortress home that is hopefully built onto the side of a mountain and reinforced with concrete, but it’ll give you an idea of which countries will be most zombie-free, i.e. islands, in the near-future. Just, whatever you do, don’t get a condo. Watch full episodes of “House Hunters International” on XfinityTV.com.

5. “Supernatural“: It’s important to note that the apocalypse will most likely unleash a whole host of insidious supernatural creatures from the dark corners and crevices of the earth, and who better to prepare you for combating those icky cretins than netherworld detective duo Jensen Ackles and Dean Winchester (but especially Jensen Ackles)? Odds are you’ll be watching “Supernatural” anyway because it’s wonderful, so all you’ll have to do is take some notes. Or make a life-size Jensen Ackles apocalypse companion doll out of popsicles, used gum, and Yankee know-how, whichever makes you feel the safest. Watch full episodes of “Supernatural” on XfinityTV.com.

4. “Survivors: Not all global pandemics have to be all whiz-bang fancy and create zombies — people could just get really bad colds and start dying, leaving you and your Cadillac immune system in a very empty world. Sure, running wild through empty malls might be fun for a little while, but it’ll get old, which is why you’ll have to learn from the very entertaining BBC series “Survivors” how to help the few wandering souls left in the world reconstitute some semblance of society. Watch full episodes of “Survivors” on XfinityTV.com.

3. “Falling Skies: We’ve been talking all this time about plagues and power outages, and that’s fine, but it’s time we addressed the elephant in the room. The alien elephant. When aliens invade Earth, you’ll need to start a resistance and move into the subway just like Tom Mason and his band of first-generation mole-people on “Falling Skies”. Watch full episodes of “Falling Skies” on XfinityTV.com.

2. “Doomsday Preppers“: This is literally an end-of-the-world tutorial.  “Doomsday Preppers” will offer you a glimpse into the fevered mind of the American survivalist, who can teach you a thing or fifty about building a bomb shelter, storing a decade’s supply of canned chicken, and making friends with inanimate objects so that you don’t go completely insane when you have no one to talk to. Watch full episodes of “Doomsday Preppers” on XfinityTV.com.

Watch an extreme prep:

1. “The Walking Dead“: Let’s be real — when the apocalypse comes, it will come slowly, shambling down a long, flickering hospital corridor moaning for braaaaaiiiinnnnzzzz. Are you ready for that? Have you stored enough food? Does you live in a ground-level domicile? How many windows are there? Do you think you’re fast enough to outrun a pack of ravenous zombies? These are important questions, and they’re questions only “The Walking Dead” can answer for you. Watch full episodes of “The Walking Dead” with XFINITY On Demand.