So Heather Morris is a good crier, and Darren Criss is a good cry-and-sing-at-the-same-time-er. I wish I’d never had to find that out and all the “Glee” kids lived in Happy My Little Pony Land forever, but instead Ryan Murphy had to burn it all to the ground.
Though I have yet to see “Celeste and Jesse Forever” (geez, stop rushing me, I’ll get to it), I know that many people are not meant to spend their whole lives with their high school sweethearts. So I can accept the splits that happened this week.
Still, 3 ½ angsty break ups was a lot to take in 47 minutes.
I’ll get the half out of the way first. Schue and Emma didn’t officially end their relationship, they just had a ridiculous fight that felt like the writers had picked it for them and left the room.
Remember how Schue decided his new purpose is to save the arts in schools? Well he got selected to be on the blue-ribbon panel to do just that, which will require him to spend a few months in Washington, DC. Emma went from being excited for him to completely furious with him in a crazy short period of time because Will asked her to accompany him to the capital.
I get that Schue was being a little thoughtless in assuming she wouldn’t hesitate to drop everything and go with him. But come on, Emma, why are you so insulted that your fiancée – the guy who patiently waited beyond what many adults in love would consider a reasonable period of time to go without sex – doesn’t want to be without you?
Watch a Clip From Thursday’s Episode of “Glee”:
It just felt like the Glee gods needed another couple to have a fight and decided this would fill that slot, despite it being uncharacteristic and having no build-up.
All of the real break ups have unfortunately been hinted at for the past few weeks.
Now that Kurt is on his way to Olsen-twin stature (as in dressing Michelle Obama, not drooling on Bob Saget), we have been made explicitly aware that he is a busy, driven New York dreamer who has no time for or interest in anything else, namely a proper conversation with his boyfriend.
But Blaine was super lonely and feeling left out and not lacking in attention from some guy named Eli. He hopped a plane to see Kurt, and what was initially a happy reunion quickly turned weepy when Blaine publicly serenaded Kurt with a slowed-down, gut-wrenching version of what I used to think was the happiest song on Earth, “Teenage Dream.”
This was like, seriously beautiful and made me hate Kurt so hard for treating Blaine like yesterday’s news. But then, when Kurt confronted Blaine about his fishy melancholic behavior, Blaine confessed that he actually cheated on Kurt due to his lonely, sadface, whatever time.
As Kurt pointed out, temptation and confusion don’t require being acted upon, so I agree that Blaine screwed that whole thing up royally and deserves time in the Kristen Stewart Doghouse of Dumbassery. But just as with KStew, I’m willing to forgive him because he knows he done wrong, and being young and lustful and separated from your pale, scrawny lover is confusing and difficult. And I’m not the one who got cheated on, so I can be dismissive about whatever I want.
I’m pretty sure I only want to be madder at Kurt in all this because Blaine’s song was so pretty. Because when Rachel’s fashion career made her too busy for Ross on “Friends” and then he slept with that copy girl, I was on Rachel’s side. But Ross didn’t sing.
Anyway, I guess Kurt didn’t technically break up with Blaine either, but their ending seemed way more final than the Wemma one.
Meanwhile, also in New York, Finn and Rachel’s first night together again was awkward and silent. Turns out Finn shot himself in the thigh 16 days into boot camp, after which he was semi-honorably discharged and free to hike around Georgia for months without calling Rachel.
I have to say, despite my previously established and often mocked love for Cory Monteith, Finn was a giant lump of a bummer in this episode. I liked his smooth vocal stylings on those 90s break-up songs, but he didn’t even try to like New York and NYADA and pretentious karaoke singing for like half a second.
Speaking of that No Doubt number, here’s a brief dispatch from my couch during that montage:
Wife: These people wear way too many clothes to bed.
Me: Most people on TV do.
Me: So the wardrobe people don’t get sad.
So Finn seemed to have made up his mind to not fit in before going there, which basically jerked Rachel around for no reason. Then he left without saying goodbye and went to Lima and WMHS to cry at Schue.
And this brought us to one of Rachel’s best moments on the show that did not involve belting. She flew to Ohio to yell at Finn. She said she hated him for putting her on that train and then realized how much he loved her to do that, which made him a man. And then not telling her where he was, then showing up only to ditch her while she slept made him not a man at all. And she wanted to be with him, but she couldn’t take this crap and it was over. But don’t be discouraged, he still had himself.
So Rachel is totally a for-real grown-up now. Good for her.
Brittana was the final couple to call it quits. They were the only ones who managed to avoid loving the one they were with when they couldn’t be with the one they loved (is that too ancient a reference?).
It’s been obvious that Santana, like Kurt, was insanely busy and Brit, like Blaine, felt neglected. But Santana was aware of what was happening, and though she thought trips home to visit and do laundry would be enough, she realized once she was there that Brittany was suffering from the situation.
Santana’s a-ha moment came after a scene that was so wickedly satisfying to a certain Southern-Baptist-raised ex-cheerleader (moi) that I could write a whole separate piece on its awesomeness.
But hilarity aside, it wasn’t super important to the plot, so I’ll spare you a lengthy play-by-play. Just know that Brittany’s loneliness led her to join a school club devoted to terror-preaching about the end of civilization via the Antichrist, and a nasty prank on Tina’s assistant by this club inadvertently forced Santana to what her absence had been like for Brit.
Santana sang one last emoti-song to Brittany in the choir room expressing how precious and loved Brittany was, and that they’d be okay… but had to move on. Santana’s words during the break up were very practical about not being able to meet each other’s needs, but it was obvious she was in pain. Tears silently rolled down Brittany’s cheeks the whole time, and they ended their romance with a declaration of love and an embrace.
And now we have to wait till November to see how they all pick up the pieces. Thanks, baseball.
More things I just can’t quit:
Best musical number – Well, “Teenage Dream” was maybe one of the best performances on the show ever. But then it was all tainted with “Oh, he’s guilt-crying.” Still, I say “Bravo!” to Darren C.
Best Brittany line – That bit about the Antichrist being named Nicolae Carpathia… “or Barack Obama, depending on who you ask.”
Best break-up scene (meaning painfully accurate and awful, but good TV) – Santana bravely trying to be realistic with a sweet, tearful Brittany or Rachel yelling at Finn and forcing herself to let go? Argh, too hard, I can’t pick! Why did I choose this category?
Best instance of a character reading my mind – When Santana was all, “How did Kurt get to be SJP’s protégé just by making a slideshow of his questionable blouses?” I’m paraphrasing, but still.
And what I’m saying “… and good riddance” to:
Worst musical number – Um, none of them. And yet…
Most missed musical number – How in the sake of eff did they not include any of the myriad brokenhearted songs in the history of musical theatre?
Least profound and least relevant beginning to an episode – The exchange that began with “It sucks being poor.” Thanks for the heads-up. And this scene was in the break-up episode about other characters because…?
Most uninspired choice for high school musical – “Grease.” Small-town teens have been chang chang, changitty chang, shoobopping since the dawn of time. Do we really need to see it again?