Monday night, the “Bachelor Pad” began with the final four couples, but by the end, only two couples remained! Among the challenges, there was an obstacle course that required brains and brawn, along with a cheeseballer rock ‘n’ roll performance that left one guy humping the floor and one girl looking like a rabbit tripping on acid. Ultimately, when it came to crunch time, the power shifted to the most unlikely of couples, and friendships burned to the ground!
Of the contestants who impressed us the most, let’s just say meathead Nick proved to be more than just biceps and bleached teeth; he had the advantage of not being emotionally invested with anyone. He simply had to focus on strategy in order to get closer to the $250K. And at the end of it all, he knew it just boiled down to this: Everybody Hates Chris.
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Hanging By a Thread
Thanks to his bright blue shirt that attempts to defy his age, Chris Harrison walks in confidently and explains the final four couples’ challenge. They will compete as couples in an obstacle course (that looks like it was swiped off the “Biggest Loser”) out back in the pool area. One person will answer trivia questions, while his/her partner will be sitting on a suspended seat hanging by ropes above the pool. When a question is answered incorrectly, a rope will be cut off. Once all the ropes are cut, the person who was sitting on the plastic seat must hold on to a horizontal bar above his/her head to (reveal the color of their underarm hair) and keep themselves from falling into the pool. Whichever couple remains dry, will have the power to kick off another couple from the show!
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As ropes fall and girly-man legs flail in mid-air and eventually splash into the pool, the winning couple ends up being Chris and Sarah! No big surprise, they decide to kick off Tony and Blakeley since Tony wears too many metrosexual tank tops and Blakeley threatens all the guys’ masculinity. At hearing their rejection, Blakeley falls apart and smears everyone’s shoulders with gooberlicious snot.
Tone Deaf But Forced to Rock
Whittled down to three couples, the next challenge is massive. The gang walk into the Hollywood Palladium where Night Ranger is performing their hit song “Sister Christian.” (Besides Ed, who’s 32, everyone else blinks dumbly as they have no idea who the crap Night Ranger is.)
They soon discover they’ll be forced to perform “Sister Christian” in front of a live audience, and the band will judge all the couples based on vocals, stage presence, choreography, and chemistry. Whomever the winning couple ends up being will secure a spot to win the $250K and will choose who they want to go with them! Yeehaww!
As the couples’ minds race on the best way to win, Ed considers showing off his modelina legs in a tight skirt, while Nick wonders if he should reveal his lower cheeks in tight leather pants with backside cutouts…
In preparation for the big night, vocal coaches are assigned to each couple, and to make a long story short, when the coaches realize what they’re working with, their hair turns grey and they bash their heads into their keyboards. When the couples return to the Pad and continue their singing, they notice that dead birds, lizards, and raccoons are sprawled all around them…an intern is even seen giving Chris Harrison CPR in the distance.
Now the night has come! First up: Nick and Rachel. Using her deep raspy voice and nose ring to her advantage, Rachel impresses the judges and only goes off key every other note. Nick, wearing a wig full of dark pubic hair, plays air guitar and makes sure to look over at Rachel to win points on chemistry. He belts it out at the end, and the (paid) crowd goes wild! Ahhhh!
Next, Ed and Jaclyn…and what a craptastrophe! Jaclyn immediately forgets the lyrics and both she and Ed intermittently ask the band to start over—but no dice. To try to make up for having the biggest brain fart ever, Jaclyn gyrates around Ed, and Ed jumps on top of her and then leaps into his favorite childhood pastime: humping the floor. The audience stares at them in shock and their eyeballs fall out of their sockets.
Thinking they got this in the bag, Chris and Sarah jam out, not realizing they sound like two boys going through puberty. Describing Sarah’s stage presence, Ed says it best: “[She] looked like a monkey being electrocuted.” As for Chris, he pulls a Sarah Palin and reads the lyrics off his arms and hands. All in all, seriously not impressive.
After Night Ranger finishes puking and choking themselves, they deem the winning couple as Nick and Rachel! Wow, Nick’s mascara pays off! As the two hop around in delight, Chris Harrison thanks the crowd for coming against their will and tells them their payment (in the form of Starbucks gift certificates) will be ready for them when they exit the auditorium.
Back at the Pad, Chris Harrison tells Nick and Rachel they must decide who they want to take with them to the finals. Once they’re alone, Nick wastes no time in telling Rachel they can’t take Ed and Jaclyn to the finals. Why? Because Nick knows that all the contestants will end up giving them the money since they’re the most popular and likable.
“Friendships will be there, I promise,” Nick reassures Rachel. “But if we want the money, we take Chris and Sarah…they’ve caused too much drama in this house…and we can take advantage of it.”
Rachel explodes into tears, afraid that her bestie Jaclyn will give her the stink-eye for eternity, but Nick tries to shake some sense into her. “You’ve got to think about the money; look how far you’ve come,” he says as he’s tempted to bop her upside the head.
In the end, they choose Chris and Sarah. Ed’s hair falls flatter on his forehead and Jaclyn immediately falls into ugly cry mode. In great bitterness, she disses Rachel’s embrace, which makes Rachel break down! Zooming off in the Limo of Shame, Jaclyn calls her new frenemy “a piece of sh*t!” Rachel slowly walks back into the mansion and regrets listening to Mr. Roids.
On the Season Finale of Bachelor Pad
Rachel cusses up a storm and calls someone a schmuck! Ooohh, did Stagliano cheat on her?! Jamie looks like a hippie! A yet-to-be-revealed shocker makes Chris Harrison freak out and squawk like a hawk!
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