Monday night’s premiere of the “Bachelor Pad” took off to an inebriated start as the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” alumni clashed with each other and their newly competing Super Fans at the chance of finding “love” (blah blah) and/or winning $250K.
Some old faces looked older, and some needed waxing—and weez talkin’ about the ladies (cough, cough, Blakeley). The rules of the game were the same as before: Votes go along the lines of gender (guys vs. girls), and winning competitions get you immunity and fantasy dates. Oh, and you know what else seemed to be same? The need for contestants to say (as if it’s a really cool thing): “Payback is a b*tch!” One word: Losahhhh!
As expected, the social dynamic was as such: The alumni thought that the Super Fans were bottom feeders, while the Super Fans accepted their second-class status like well-behaved bottom feeders would. With the exception of Super Fan Donna, who let her J-Lo do the talking, the rest of the Fans weren’t much eye candy and decided to make use of their waning brain power to keep themselves in the game—while still managing to worship their reality stars, who are bottom feeders but apparently have the disadvantage of being in denial about.
Watch the “Bachelor Pad” Premiere:
Anywho-age, I could go on til the crack-o-dawn, but let’s just start out by highlighting some of the contestants…
Chris B. (Emily Maynard’s season): The bad-tempered, infantile Kermit wants to make out with the entire house to get back at Emily.
Lindzi Cox (Ben’s season): Is it humanly possible for her to talk without her shaking her hair into her face and trying to act dimply-licious?
Reid (Jillian Harris’ season): The Teddy Ruxpin lookalike apparently needs some fundage since he’s in the slumping realty business. At the sight of him, I just wanted to feed him some PB & J on crust-less bread.
Ed (Jillian Harris’ season): The lush has proven to be a jack hole, ready to spread his love loins around. He seems unapologetic about his breakup with Jillian and makes a fool of himself by getting wasted the first night and showing off his chlorine-drenched cajones in his see-through underoos. Microscope needed.
Blakeley (Ben’s season): The horse-toothed bosom lady and misogynist may not have changed her mistrusting, black widow ways but she did change professions: She’s moved on from being a cocktail waitress to waxing pubic hairs at a beauty parlor.
Jaclyn (Ben’s season): A fascinating study of someone who believes she’s hot when she’s objectively not.
Kalon (Emily Maynard’s season): The American Psycho. “I’m gonna ruin your f*cking summer!” he proudly exclaims. Our response: “No, you’ve ruined your f*cking teeth, home slice.”
Mike Stagliano (Ali Fedotowsky’s season and last season’s champion of “Bachelor Pad”): Now that he’s already won the money, he’s looking to pinch some girl’s luscious cushion.
Erica Rose (Lorenzo’s season): The turtle-mode, cement-faced Texan fears that Kalon, whom she knows through similar social circles, will eat her alive because she’s talked to the tabloids about him.
Super Dorks Super Fans
Paige: Boring Valley Girl who needs a stylist.
Chris: A SWAT officer we want to give a wad of tobacco to and whom we believe has a fluttering for Chris Harrison.
Donna: Likes to show off her diamond belly button ring and doesn’t realize she’s on the wrong show; “Jersey Shore” tryouts were a long time ago.
David: His face is broken up like Rocky Balboa’s, and his brain kinda is, too.
Brittany and Erica, twins playing as “one” fan, although not amounting to one brain (btw, I think these freaks were on the “Jersey Shore’s” Italy season): They’re the Beavis and Butthead of twindom. Erica is a proud virgin, and Brittany is a proud STD carrier. Both are turned off by “butt chins.”
First Challenge: Heart to Heart
The first challenge has the house competing as couples. Plastic body-sized hearts are suspended by cranes, and each couple has to insert themselves into a heart. With their brute strength, they must stay inside them as long as possible while the hearts are being raised and tilted forward. Whichever couple lasts the longest wins immunity and a fantasy date; the first couple who falls, however, will each have one vote against them during the elimination ceremony. (The ABC interns make sure that before the competition begins, each heart is secretly greased with Crisco Oil and a nice hint of Ed’s dirty underoos.)
Unfortunately for them, Erica’s silicone and Nick’s body building-sized gluteus maximus are too heavy for them to carry, and they’re the first couple out. But as minutes pass…plop, plop, plop like pigeon poop go the rest of the couples—leaving Super Fans Brittany (and twin Erica, who’s cheering her on off to the side) and David to win! They end up getting the fantasy date and win immunity! The alumni decide early on that they despise the twins and are determined to disinfect them out of the Pad.
Jamie and her masculine body ask Chris to hang in a room, and they start making out, which makes Blakeley go ballistic since she wants her fellow teammate to keep his head in the game. When Blakeley busts into their romp room, she starts attacking Jamie, who cranes her thick neck with some gangsta moves! Chris barks at Blakeley for disturbing his hanky panky time with the She-Man, and Blakeley begins to cry.
Dumb and Dumber
Super Fan David decides to go ahead and tell Erica Rose his entire strategy for the season: The Fans will vote off the alumni, starting off with her and Nick. Erica sheds crocodile tears and runs off telling the alumni, which make them go up in arms, vowing for revenge! To reassure her superiority of being a reality star, Erica walks over to Super Fan David and calls him an “ugly loser” who “wouldn’t be on the regular show.”
Mike Stagliano tells Reid that his Super Fan teammate Paige is gonna get the boot from all the guys since they kinda want Donna to stick around so that they can spank that thang. Reid’s only hope is to lean on slithering Kalon, and he tries to persuade him to vote off Erica instead. As true to his style, Kalon promises Reid he’ll vote off his frenemy Erica but then moments later, promises the other guys he’s on board to vote off Paige.
In the end Kalon votes off Paige and saves the girl he most despises: Erica! As for the unlucky dude, the girls vote off SWAT-tastic Chris.
Highlights From the Season:
Balancing IKEA cups! Mudslides! Spelling bees! Face sucking! Chris spreading his Kermie to three ladies! Pageant dresses! Spotty chest hair! Reid vs Ed!
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