The “Bachelorette: Men Tell All” event was filled with hot seat time, but really, tushes weren’t close to being burned—well, except for Kalon’s. Strangely, Emily was the victor in tapping into her inner biatch, but Chris was a close second.
But the lack of dram drams was to be expected, considering the vast majority of the dudes this season would seem to prefer knitting over discussing the importance of Man Code.
Check out how the night unraveled into yawn-worthy reiteration, no regrets, and hardly any surprises…
And now for the Award Ceremony:
Most Improved Complexion: Sean
Most Resembles the Talking Snake on Disney’s “Robin Hood”: Kalon
Best Tanned Complexion: Ryan
Biggest Sourpuss of the Night: Chris
Watch Monday’s “Men Tell All”:
Highlights from the Hot Seat:
Kalon. Being on his most gentlemanly behavior and donning his best dentures, the luxury brand consultant tells Chris H. he has no regrets about anything—not about telling Emily to shut her piehole nor saying that lil Ricki is baggage. The crowd boos, while he smiles with amusement.
Ryan. Wearing foundation on his face in the shade “Barbecue,” the big egotastic Georgian restates his belief that he’s “blessed with so many worldly gifts,” but young ‘un Chris can’t stand one more minute of him. He attacks the good-natured Ry, but the latter keeps his cool and just says Chris is “insecure.” (The audience laughs, and we’re horrified at how many metal braces and crunchy hair weaves are revealed in the dim lighting.) Believing very deeply that his “confidence” and his romantic epiphanies will win everyone over, Ryan tells host Chris Harrison that he realized that his search was bigger than Emily—that he was looking for his trophy wife and it wasn’t necessarily her. And with that, the host tells everyone Ryan will definitely not be the next bachelor. Ryan chuckles and considers Chris H. a cotton-pickin’ liar.
Chris. The 25-year-old corporate sales director, who can control his emotions at a five-year-old level, proclaims his maturity and true love for Emily. “I loved that girl 110%,” he tells Chris H. as he quietly considers tearing out all of his hair and bashing his head into the cameras. After the host asks Chris if he has anger management issues, the proud Chicagoan reveals he lost friends and now does everything with a purpose. He almost breaks down, which makes the ladies in the crowd pull out the Kleenex and demand a Häagen-Dazs break.
Sean. After his sunburnt, pre-melanoma goodbye in Curacao, Sean reveals he still has strong feelings for Emily. He tells Chris H. he was ready to be a hubby and father but that Emily’s rejection had him reeling for weeks after about his inadequacies: Did I have too many sun freckles? Was my upper body too big for my calves? Was I significantly less effeminate than Arie and Jef? Regardless, he says he’s grateful that Emily broke his heart. “I can’t wait to find love, and hopefully, she comes around sooner than later,” he says with that milky, curd-like smile that makes us want to drink ice cold water and scrape our tongues.
Emily. Thanks to the fembot engineers that have worked on her all season, Emily seems a little more human. She walks out onto the stage, but since she’s polite, she allows her overcompensating breasts to take the first big steps ahead of her.
After complimenting Sean and sending loving glances to Chris’ tight eyelids, Em decides she must rip Kalon a new, shiny luxurious badonka-donk hole. But before she can, Kalon offers another gesture of disingenuity. He tells he’s sorry that he was misunderstood and hopes to learn from the drama in future relationships. Em says his mouth is “the biggest load of sh*t” and points out he’s still been calling Ricki “baggage” on Twitter. He snarkily replies he’s glad that she follows his tweets.
“I hope that you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter,” she says with squinty eyes. The crowd roars with cheers. Kalon stares off in the distance with his snake-like eyes and blows her off quietly in his mind by thinking: My freakin’ shoes aren’t Prada, you hillbilly, they’re Louis Vuitton. Get it right, girl.
Ready for the first-ever live version of “After the Final Rose”? The three-hour “Bachelorette” finale comes at you at a special time this SUNDAY, and you betta believe we’ll be armed with a six-pack of Red Bull.
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