Monday night’s hometown dates on “The Bachelorette” revealed there were not only international Fockers, major-breeding Fockers, but also non-skeptical, easily accepting Fockers! From Chicago to Arizona to Dallas to Utah, Emily had to travel all over the midwest and western part of the U.S. of A to find a family that wouldn’t reject her
like her own family has! Unfortunately, unlike past “Bachelorette” seasons where things usually turned out fun and entertaining, this hometown dates episode was like taking a whole bottle of Advil P.M. from the rear!
Let’s check out how Focked up things got:
Pole to Pole
For her first hometown date, Em flies out to Chicago to see Chris. Because she knows she’s gotta be in conservative Focker mode, she makes it a point to hide her medical jelly sacks and look corporate.
Chris drives her in a gas-guzzling SUV, and they arrive at his Polish family’s home. Emily discovers Mother Poland has a 21st century mullet and immediately sees where Chris gets his bedroom eyeballs from. When they all sit down for a meal, Father Poland makes a toast, but no one understands a word he says. After a dinner full of Polish sausage and potatoes, Father Poland takes her aside and has a meaningless, fit-for-Disney-Channel conversation.
Watch Monday’s Episode of “The Bachelorette”:
Eldest sis Renea sizes her up and requests that if Em isn’t feeling Chris, to end it sooner rather than later. Emily looks her up and down and pretends not to be jealous over the fact Renea chose a more superior Nice ‘N’ Easy platinum color kit than she did.
In his most Kermit voice yet, Chris tells her he loves her, and they make out. A thud is heard in the distance, and we realize Mama Poland has fainted. After Chris fans her back to life, he takes Emily out to the backyard and surprises her with a Polish band and dancers. They shake their groove thang, and to our horror, we observe Emily isn’t just a robot, she dances like one, too. In the end, it was one of the most boring Focker segments in the history of the “Bachelorette.”
Principled Clay Pigeons
Next up, St. George, Utah—Home of the Swoop Hair! Jef invites Emily to his ginormous ranch, where his equally ginormous family of siblings decide to meet and judge her. (Apparently, Jef’s folks are cross-country and don’t want to meet a chick who’ll treat their son as sloppy seconds to Arie.)
Jef takes her on a high-speed buggy ride, and Em gets a fro both on top and bottom. He takes her to an open field to shoot clay pigeons with a rifle, and she wonders why they couldn’t just play the 80s Nintendo game.
Jef drives her 1000 miles to the opposite end of the ranch, and Em meet his eldest bro, his eldest bro’s wife, some ankle biters, and his three sisters. They all sit down at an outdoor picnic, and the older bro harps on a life of “sound principles.” In the end, he thinks Emily would complement Jef and his hair.
After the odd couple say goodbye to his family, Jef takes her to the edge of a cliff and reads a note that proclaims his love for her in a 1000 ways. She smiles in her usual frozen-faced way but then adds a really slow blink that starts freaking out the cameramen. The two make out and get pricked repeatedly by cacti.
Watch Jef Read His Letter to Emily:
Fast Times at Dutchmont High
All Emmie wants to do is a zooma zoom zoom and a boom boom—in Scottsdale, AZ! She meets Arie on the racetrack, and he saves her a doctor’s visit by giving her a facelift via a fast car ride. He takes her to a nearby pond and tells the All-American Girl that his parents are very European and admits his mom will be the least open-minded.
When they meet Arie’s family, which consists of his racecar dad, Dutch mom, twin brothers, and sister, they greet her with Southwestern appetizers and heaps of awkwardness. Adding to it, Dutch Mama starts speaking in her native tongue to Arie, and Em starts sweating.
Mom (in Dutch): Arie, my love, why does this girl have only one expression on her face?
Arie (in Dutch): Stop talking in a foreign language, mom! She only knows Mountain Speak!
Mom (in Dutch): Does she know you only stopped breast feeding a couple years ago?
Arie (in Dutch): I will run over you if you tell her! Look at all my white hair from the stress you’ve been giving me!
Taking Emily aside, Arie’s mom probes into why she and Bradilda Womack didn’t work out. Em tells her they weren’t right for each other, and Dutch Mama pretends to accept her every word, although she secretly plans on beating her up if she ends up with her favorite son.
As the ladies chat in one room, Arie’s dad keeps his convo with his son simple. He tells Junior that the ultimate test of whether he likes one of his girls that he brings hom is if he himself would like to squish her cush. And indeed, he approves!
Yeehaw! Em flies out to Dallas, Texas, to see Sean! They walk over to his family’s house and there they meet Sean’s mom, dad, sister, bro-in-law, and two ankle biters. As they make small talk, Sean confesses to her in front of everyone that he still lives with his parents. He tells her he doesn’t have to, but he just likes it! He takes her upstairs and introduces her to his food and sock-laden room and his 20 stuffed animals. She freaks out inside, but after he brings her back to his fam, they laugh and he tells her he’s totally joking! Har! Har! She wonders if he’s also joking about his new haircut.
Sean’s dad and Em chat, and she exacerbates her Southern accent to bring on the charm. It works. The two hit it off and bond over having fake teeth. Sean makes out with her and takes her to her car. The car drives off, but Sean acts like it’s a romantic movie scene and runs after her…the driver sees him but keeps driving a few miles to get him to sweat in his Sean Jean jeans and Old Navy thong. Out of breath but happy, Sean reaches the car and gives Emily one more tongue-licious kiss.
Watch Sean’s Joke:
Permanent Time Out for the Infant
The Big Orgy Crew all fly back to Beverly Hills for Emily’s rejection ceremony. Chris Harrison hugs her (and her Stepford Wife bouffant), and for the thousandth time, she pretends to cry and says her decision to blast a dude’s libido will be so hard.
In the end she decides to castrate Chris’ rosebud! She walks him out, and he starts having infantile seizures of resentment. She tells him her other relationships just moved faster.
“How faster could it have gone? I told you I loved you!” he blasts. She pretends to cry, and he decides not to have a tantrum on national television. He kisses her cheek and gets into the Car of No Return. He disses the men she’s kept and is embittered that he wore his fave aqua blue tie (that matches his eyes) for such an embarrassing occasion.
Highlights From Next Episode
Caribbean islands! Dolphins! Silhouette face sucking! Big alien hair! Finally a tear falls?!
Wanna hear more on all-things reality? “Like me” on Facebook!