On Monday night’s “Bachelorette,” Emily banishes Ricki back to North Cackeylackey and takes her testosterony love bandits to a place she didn’t know existed: Croatia! She decides she has had enough making out with the men whom she knows are fit to impregnate her and instead, focuses on the relationships she has “no clue about.” The results actually will not surprise you, even though it surprised the bejesus out of one self-obsessed meathead.
Check out how the meathead crashes and burns…
For her first date, Emily takes Travis (a.k.a. Ostrich Egg Man) on an old city excursion. They giggle on the streets, eat pistachio ice cream, balance on stones, and line dance to an instrumentalist, who wants nothing more but to spit on them.
At dinner, they go into a stone tavern, and Emily tells the server to leave fried ostrich eggs on their table as a symbol of what’s going to happen to Travis in a minute. With wonderment in her eyes, she gazes at him and appreciates his kindness, his sense of humor, but can’t get past his pine cone head. Despite his positivity, Em can’t see herself jumping his bones and tells him he’s gotta go back from whence he came. Stealing the last umbrella, a destitute Travis walks out into the rain and angrily throws it to the side. To alleviate his stress, he reenacts the famous dance scene on “Flashdance” and tosses a bucket of rainwater on his body.
Catch Up on Last Week’s Episode:
Brave Men in Kilts
On the group date, Emily is forced to publicize Disney’s upcoming Pixar film “Brave,” and this gesture reminds us of how much we can’t stand Emily’s robotica existence. They all sit in the movie theater, and the guys become so emotionally engrossed in the animation that they begin to stuff themselves with Milk Duds, nachos, and Sweet Tarts and then quickly fall into despair as they feel their digestive system screaming to be on a Beano commercial. But before they can explode into a gaseous bubble, Emily makes a surprise announcement: Just like in the adventurous movie they just watched, the boys will be competing in their own Highland games! To see which guy suffers from Non-Calves Syndrome, Emily forces them to wear kilts.
Already feeling like jack a**es, the guys are given jack a**es to ride into battle. They arrive in a lush open field and start off with archery. After each guy does a fairly good job at hitting near the bulls eye, Chris walks up, sticks his tush out, arches his back, and unleashes his arrow, only for it to fall weakly in the grass. The guys explode into laughter, some kicking their legs up from beneath their kilts and revealing they wax in places we cannot speak of.
Next competition: the log toss! The guys put on a brave face since they know this game all too well, considering they have tossed bigger logs before in private (while on the john).
The last competition is one that requires two men holding onto the same stick and trying to pull the other over. The guys take turns, straining and pulling with all their might…dark stains suddenly emerge on their skirts, but Chris Harrison barks at his interns to give the boys additional bottoms to change into. In the end, Emily gives the bravery mug to Chris, who humiliated himself so thoroughly, he would’ve been on suicide watch if she didn’t.
In the evening, Emily spends her time making out with all the dudes individually, and she develops unnatural growths in her mouth. After Chris says desperate things in order to win! win! win!, Emily gives him the rose, and his bobblehead and thick Kermit voice are totally pleased.
Trophy Man Loses the Trophy Wife
Ryan, his ego, and Double D’s go on their second one-on-one date with Emily. They drive off and go on a road trip adventure. The two end up reaching a dock and sucking on salty oysters and talking to men who have no teeth. They finally sit down, and Ryan mentions how he wants her to be a “trophy wife” since she’s so perfect. Emily squirms in her seat.
At dinner she dresses like a giant golden trophy to spite him, and he pulls out a piece of paper to show her that 1) he can write, and 2) he has 12 requirements for a trophy wife. Em is perfectly turned off and admits to him she doesn’t want to fit into his mold. “That is why I can’t give you the rose tonight,” she concludes. His hair blows up.
“That is very shocking because I would not have seen that coming,” he says. Not letting her get a word in, he preaches about her big mistake and repeatedly tells her how alarmed he is that she didn’t fall for his hammerhead-shaped jaw and manly confidence. Em’s voice wavers and she is clearly shaken and begins to wonder if indeed she has made a mistake. After an hour-long speech about his wonderfulness, Ryan and his turquoise shoes strut out the door. He dives into a taxi and makes out with a mirror to comfort himself. Back at the hotel, the guys cheer as Mr. Egomaniac’s suitcase rolls out the door.
Knock knock! Arie visits Emily to congratulate her on dumping Ryan. They talk like 5th graders in love, and as their lips meet, they make suction noises as if they were sticking their tongues in empty Corona bottles.
Roses & False Hopes
Cocktail party! According to Emily, the two who are on her chopping block are John “Wolf” and Dougie-doo. In an attempt for her to feel really sorry for him, John pulls her aside and reveals he carries his grandparents’ funeral cards. They both tear up and begin to make out. (Grandma and Grampa “Wolf” would be proud.) As for Em’s talk with Doug, he reveals his deep-seated insecurities (which totally explains the brontosaurus biceps and angry fits). He later tells the cameras that he misses his son and explodes into a Brad Womack ugly cry.
At the rose ceremony of doom, Emily doubts her judgment as she fondles the last rose and flees out back to fetch Chris Harrison, who’s smoking electronic cigars with a bitter female producer. Ignoring the weird moment she just encountered, Emily asks for Chris’ help; he incorporates his best acting skills and pretends to be engaged with her plight.
She returns to the guys and admits to both “Wolf” Man and Doug-donka-donk that she can’t give the final rose out. They both look down with disappointment, but suddenly, Chris appears and places a platter of not one but TWO savior roses in front of Emily! She decides to give both a second chance and cruelly prolongs the inevitable rejection!
Highlights From Next Episode
Prague! Bobblehead breaks down! Arie had a past relationship with a producer?! Oh, shattered race car lover dreams!
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