It’s been three years since the gods atop Mount Glee transformed us from people who had no idea competitive show choir was a thing into mash-up-loving superfans who were dying to see a plucky group of misfits to win the national title.
It’s TV. A big win was inevitable. So it is with little fanfare that I announce New Directions are the 2012 National Champions.
Of course I’m excited they won—what kind of Gleek do you take me for? But you must concede that the victory was a little predictable. And if ever a combo existed to seal the deal, it would naturally be the Holy Trinity of Theatrics: Gaga, Celine, and Loaf.
I say let’s discuss a jumble of more remarkable elements from this week’s back-to-back episodes, namely Tina’s bangs, Rachel’s fat wallet, Puck’s crossover career, Sam’s Christopher Walken impression, Unique’s flexibility, Mercedes’ ‘roid rage, and Sue’s top hat.
Tina’s bangs: You’re probably asking, “Who?” unless you’ve read any given message board (or my wife’s journal) and therefore know that Tina (aka Jenna Ushkowitz) is a founding member of New Directions who is capable of speaking and singing but never gets to do so. She finally threw a (deserved) fit about it, and later bonked her head and dreamt that everyone switched bodies. As Dream Rachel, she got a solo and standing ovation, and she thanked Dream Tina for being a stalwart background swayer. But most importantly, she encouraged Dream Rachel to hunt down NYADA dean Carmen Tibideaux to invite her to nationals. So when she awoke, she took Real Rachel to do just that. The dream sequence was refreshingly wacky and fun to watch despite Tina not being the primary beneficiary of her own prophetic episode. We learned that Tina shouldn’t do bangs and Joey Tentacles shouldn’t do hats.
Go Behind the Scenes of Tuesday’s Episode:
Rachel’s fat wallet: Silly me for worrying that Rachel would be content as Lima royalty. Once that initial reflective (read: unnecessary) ballad was out of the way, her insane ambition came roaring back into action. Her unabashed voicemail-and-muffin-basket campaign was solid. Her earnest “You’ll see me again next year” speech to Carmen was better. But her Berrific offer to give Tina 50 bucks to temporarily call off her diva routine? That was when we knew she was back—and with deep pockets.
Puck’s crossover career: His country-pop duet with Beiste was one of the highlights of the evening, leading me to believe Puck shouldn’t trade his guitar for a net just yet. He probably shouldn’t take up ultimate fighting, though, based on his match with Rick the Stick by the school dumpsters. Beiste, who broke up the fight just as Puck pulled a fake knife, was possibly the only suitable ally for the former tough guy with recent self-esteem issues. Beiste’s hubby Cooter couldn’t quit hurling abusive crap her way, so she finally left him for real. Their light-hearted, resonant take on “Mean” was a bonding moment between big softies with tough exteriors. We learned that Puck best illuminates the words of 20-year-old girls.
Sam’s Christopher Walken impression was not relevant, but it was quite enjoyable.
Unique’s flexibility: I could be referring to Unique’s (or Alex Newell’s) ability to flow between gender conformities or to her flawless transition from ultra-current Nicki Minaj to vintage The Who. After all, we’ve established that Murph chose two complex, entertaining performers for runners up and two one-dimensional wonders as winners on The Glee Project. But nope, I’m actually pointing out that kid’s impressive execution of a mid-air split. My immediate reaction was, “Two piece and a biscuit!” (If that reference makes no sense, you are not a diligent enough fan of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” and frankly I’m disappointed in you.)
Mercedes’ ‘roid rage: Okay, she didn’t exactly Hulk out or anything, but whatever Sue’s witch doctor doped Mercedes with took her from tummy trouble to the “Edge of Glory” with miraculous speed. That, unlike bringing welding equipment on stage, was one of many award-worthy gestures by Sue in recent weeks. And she expected to receive such a prize—or did she? That brings us to…
Sue’s top hat: So the champions return to an inexplicable shower of confetti in the halls of WMHS. Because seriously, a trophy has not suddenly convinced the popular kids that choir is cool, and last year a teacher threw a shoe at them, for crying out loud. Anyway, it’s time for the annual WMHS awards assembly. Sue claims to be a shoe-in for Teacher of the Year and is thus sporting Dickensian formal attire. But her face gives her away as the kids perform a victory song for the real winner, Schue. She momentarily has kindness in her heart for someone else, but I’m confident that for the purposes of our delight, Nefarious Sue will return by next season.
Oh, I should mention that Lindsay Lohan showed up and Emma lost her virginity (but not to Lindsay Lohan.)
More winning moments:
Best musical number: Meat! Loaf! Meat! Loaf! “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” was super fun. The Celine Dion song was a guilty pleasure as well, but suffered from a lack of Ana-Gastayer chest pounding.
Best Sue-ism: She planned to “fight fire with flaming flames of additional flaming gay fire.” Runner-up: “Jennifer Beals is spinning in her grave.”
Line that made me smile coming from a character who made me squirm: “Most people don’t realize I lost ten pounds during that performance.” – Jesse St. James
And better luck next year:
Worst musical number: That Jason Mraz song at the beginning felt like wasted air time.
Worst gig ever: Sure those unnamed background Troubletones don’t have to show up for rehearsal EVER, but they don’t get a confetti parade either, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t even get seats on the bus to the competition.
See you next week for graduation!