Boy, we could smell them grits from a mile away: “The Bachelorette” premiere—North Carolina edition—started last night without a hitch, so much so, that I reckon Emily Maynard’s sweet, soothing Southern charm will cure all of those suffering from insomnia—at least on Monday nights.
That’s good news for sleeping disorders around the country, but some of us still have important questions, like: Will Emily emote beyond smiling and widening her eyes? Will Bentley return with his little daughter superglued to his back and beg Em to give him a chance? Will the fantasy suite episode be the most boring, predictable episode everrrr (i.e. no Action Jackson)? Will Mattel broker a Single Mom Barbie deal with Emily?
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. We still have to discuss the 25 guys who want to fall in love with
Chris Harrison Emily with all their testosterony might. To sum up my feelings on them as a whole: I dozed off with my mouth open in my zebra-print Snuggie.
The show’s producers are usually all about controversy, but aside from one narcissist who made his entrance via a helicopter, there wasn’t even one daggum foot fetishist or amateur wrestler to be found! (Although I must say, it was nice to see a few token minorities mixed in with the usually homogeneous pack…oooh, the show’s getting all wild now! Hold ‘em back, ya’ll!)
Check out the premiere highlights:
Mama Bear & Baby Bear
As we watch Emily frolic at a pond with her six-year-old daughter, Ricki, we hear her narrate her sad story: She was a teenager in love with a race car driver who died in a plane crash on his way to a competition. The week he died, she discovered she was preggars and gave birth to her daughter Ricki, who was named after her daddy.
Watch Emily’s happy life with Ricki:
But now Emily’s 26, extremely fertile, and has the ambition to turn her life around! Thanks to her break-up with Bachelor Brad “Woe-Is-Me” Womack, she realizes she can fall in love again—but just not to him! Regardless, she learned through Bradonka-donk that she can start anew on TV, potentially make out with a ton of prescreened STD-free men without resorting to e-Harmony, become a tabloid star, get her wedding and ring all paid for, potentially cash in on “Dancing With the Stars,” and maybe even get another reality show! Yeehaw!
As these dreams of reality redemption float lazily in Emily’s mind, she’s jolted by the splash of chocolate chips that lil Ricki plops into their pancake batter as they make breakfast in their ridiculously big house. As the camera pans through the kitchen, we notice a big grease spot on the window left by a desperate Brad’s face, which Emily forgot to Windex since she was fleeing to the phone to call the North Cackey Lackey po-po…
Hot Seat With Chris Harrison
In preparation for his pre-chat with Emily before the guys come to the mansion, Chris H. drinks a double shot of espresso and ices his nether regions to stay awake. However, as she begins to open her mouth, he immediately starts dozing and drooling. To wake him up, the producers frantically dangle his paycheck in the distance, and in turn, he jumps up and quickly pretends to be absorbed with Emmie-cakes’ excitement of being the Bachelorette and making future babies with her future man. “I’m tired of being engaged; I wanna get married!” she says in her monotone voice.
After Chris walks her over to the entrance, she suddenly tells him she’s stricken with nerves. He stares at her intently with his disarming baby blues and then leans in to whisper words of encouragement: “You’ve got two things going for you, so no worries: Your teeth can’t get any whiter, and you’re not Ashley Hebert,” he quietly says with a wink.
As the men pull up in front of the mansion and see Emily, they immediately begin screaming the thoughts that are coming straight from their secret places: “Oh my gaw, she’s gorgeous!” “Oh man, she’s hot!” “Oh my, she’s amazingly beautiful!” And with those deep hormonal exclamations, I give you the list of dudes—cheesy, desperate entrances aside—that are worth noting:
-Kalon, 27: The luxury brand consultant makes his frou-frou grand entrance via a helicopter and is immediately hated by all the men. We’re impressed that his lips are naturally that juicy—but it seems that’s just about all that’s natural about this pretty boy.
-Ryan, 31: The former pro-footballer seems like a genuinely nice guy, and we respect his decision to electrocute his borderline mullet on a daily basis. We also applaud him for his cutesy love note to Emily when they meet…and that’s why we will not mention the thickness of his neck.
-Chris, 25: He pulls out bobble heads of himself and Emily and makes her toss her head back with a smile, which is the most emotion we see from her all night—we almost couldn’t handle it.
Watch the meeting of the bobbles:
-Lerone, 29: Bring on the minorities, biatches!
-Arie, 30: In an attempt to be scandalous, the producers find a race car driver to play with Emily’s heartstrings—el lamo. But, hey, he’s kinda a babe.
-Alessandro, 36: The Brazilian has nice energy despite the fact he resembles John Denver but with a serious orange tan and a high usage of cortisone on his face.
-Jef (that’s with one ‘f’!), 27: A rich entrepreneur, who believes his James Dean flipout and his cool, youthful skateboarding ways will hide the fact that he’s really just an insecure nerd at heart.
-Doug, 33: The single dad from Seattle seems to be a really humble guy who prides himself for being a good father and a taller version of Ryan Phillipe.
-Stevie, 26: Nevermind the robotica dance moves he presents to Emily. This dude is a reincarnation of Duckie from Pretty in Pink, which totally explains why he’s so quick to hate rich kid Kalon. (By the way, who names their son Kalon?)
-Alejandro, 26: The Colombian’s words of love in Español allow us to hear Emily’s hideous attempt at speaking his language.
-Michael, 26: We applaud him for representing ’90s male hairstyles, but someone needs to tell him that “The Bachelorette” is not a place to audition for Conan the Barbarian.
First Impression Rose
Thanks to his 11-year-old son’s letter that he forced him to write to Emily, single pops Dougie gets the rose!
Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Arie, Charlie, Jef, Nate, Sean, John, Kyle, Erin, Alejandro, John “Wolf,” Alessandro, Michael, Stevie, Tony, and Travis (his ostrich egg almost hatched)!
Highlights From the Season
Castles, Men in skirts! London! Man pants that are too tight! Mommy-daughter twirling! Bad men calling Ricki “baggage”! Emily curses (but still maintains a gentle, monotone voice)! “Gugly” cries! (i.e. Guys ugly-cries)! Making out in libraries! Dolly Parton!
Watch a Deleted Scene of the “Stevie Dance”:
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