‘American Idol’ Finds Big Talent and Big Problems in Texas

by | January 27, 2012 at 12:39 AM | American Idol, Eye on Idol, Recap

American Idol (FOX)

Tonight’s “American Idol” auditions are in Galveston, and yet Ryan Seacrest keeps referencing Houston and I’m not too sure why. It appears that the judges’ panel is in one city and the stadium of hopefuls is in another, if only so that Ryan gets to say, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Other abnormalities: Copious amount of glitter on Jennifer Lopez’s bare shoulder blade that looks like a film of sweat; the blue rattail coming out of Steven Tylers’s right ear.

Once again, “Idol” trivializes every aspect of a place until it is reduced to theme park kitsch. In Texas, that means “everything is bigger,” the crowd is “Texas-sized,” “the cattle stand tall,” and “you don’t mess with” this or that. And of course, guys wear cowboy hats and plaid.

The Highlights

And in the land of cowboy hats, not to mention guns and all-terrain vehicles, the most Texas-y auditioner of them all was actually a Mississippian, 17-year-old Skylar Laine. Her intro video shows her riding around in the Mississippi mud and reveling at the deer head mounted on her bedroom wall—far more memorable than whatever it was that she sang in her audition, though it did get her through to Hollywood. (It was “Hell on Heels.”)

We got a flashback to the hell on heels that was Antonella Barba in Season 6 when Baylie Brown re-auditioned. Brown had made it to Hollywood that year, but was eliminated in the group round while her bandmates, two “Jersey girls,” as Brown calls them, continued on. Barba, made it to the semi-finals but was eventually voted off after slutty photos of her sitting on the toilet emerged. Anyway, Brown finally mustered up the nerve to try again, and after a mellifluous crack at “Bed of Roses,” she’ll have a second shot at Hollywood that is hopefully, for her, Jersey girl-free.

Watch “Idol” Highlights:

Perhaps the night’s biggest standout was Kristine Osorio, a shoulder-tatted soon-to-be-single mom of three, who, at 28, who is giving “Idol” her first and last shot. She wails and growls through Adele’s “One and Only,” leading Steven to declare his love for her voice when she “goes upstairs,” a new spot-on aphorism I don’t know how we ever lived without.

Jennifer and the boys disagreed on a streak of auditions, with JLo‘s choices constantly getting overruled. When Randy and Steven let through Linda Williams, a 24-year-old bartender who sang like a Tina Turner drag queen, JLo reached her tipping point, going on to rant during a hair-and-makeup touchup. “Somebody help me!” she shouted, while five women tried desperately to slather more glitter onto her skin.

But they all agreed that Alejandro Cazares was not going to Hollywood. In fact, the bouncer agreed, too. He had to escort the young radical from the audition room, after a long bout of babbling about the revolution. “Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world,” Cazares pleaded, so that someone like Lady Gaga could make millions and someone like Barack Obama could become president. Seeing as how both of those things already have happened, this guy’s revolution seems to be a little outdated. Still, he had one chuckler: “I want to be your age one day, Steven.”

The night’s closer/sad story belonged to Ramiro Garcia. The man may have been born without ears, but he can sing, alright. His soulful audition of “Amazing Grace” led Steven to declare, “I like your insides.” Coming from that guy, though, that might have just been another dirty joke.

S*** Steven Tyler Says

The witty wordsmith was at it again tonight…

“Go right ahead!” –in response to Linda Williams saying, “I’m about to pee myself.”

“I wrote ‘Dream On’ back when the Dead Sea was still sick.”

“I’ll bet you’re crazy in, er, on the dance floor.”

“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”