The launch of Lisa’s new bar-lounge addition to her restaurant SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant!) brought in a few uninvited guests and an impromptu group therapy session on last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
Besides Mr. Houseguest Gone Bad showing up and Taylor’s plea to stay on TV with her friends, Kim and Ken were as messy as a Manwich Sloppy Joe. We watched with a sinking feeling in our stomach as Kim swayed around aimlessly and dug in her purse like a burrowing hamster for sustenance (in this case, the life-numbing pill-popping kind), while enabler Ken waited on her hand and foot.
And then there was the case of Kyle and Kim. The sisters unleashed their frustrations about each other, but Kim surprised Kyle with a startling revelation that caused her to hold onto her womb for dear life!
Check out the bumpy road to partial sobriety below:
Because they live in the boondocks, Ken and Kim decide to get a hotel to be closer to the SUR event. Kim hires a makeup artist with bacteria-filled color palettes, and as he waits for her to finish rummaging through her purse, she pulls out a vibrator and claims she doesn’t know where she got it! She then commands Ken to find her phone charger and fetch her soda with ice and then complains to her makeup artist that he’s a dope.
As the ladies trickle into Lisa’s launch party, Brandi notices that one of the waitresses is someone her ex had had an affair with. The waitress immediately recognizes Brandi and tells Lisa. To prevent a catfight, Lisa politely tells the waitress to leave, and she does so willingly since she doesn’t want to be karate-chopped by Brandi’s good leg.
Watch Lisa Ask The Waitress to Leave:
Suddenly, Cedric and his eyelashes appear out of nowhere, (and RuPaul licks his lips). “What do you want from me?” Lisa asks her former Houseguest with a disgruntled bulldog expression smeared across her face. Cedric claims he just wants to congratulate her on the new lounge.
“I don’t wish you any harm and guess what? I don’t wish you anything at all,” she exclaims. “You’re not invited, so I’d like you to leave.” Knowing the chances of him bunking again with Jiggy is slim to none, Cedric air kisses the other ladies and walks out. Brandi swears to Lisa and Ken she didn’t invite him.
After Kim finishes playing with the buttons in the limo and singing nursery rhymes, she and Ken walk into the party. Swaying and slurring like her usual self, she greets Kyle coldly, and Kyle walks away with tears in her eyeballs. When Kim embraces Adrienne, she whispers into her ear that she’s leaving Ken and that he’s verbally abusive.
At the urging of Adrienne, Kyle gets Kim to open up. Kim tells her that Ken makes her cry every day and that he disses her bunions, but Kyle puts her in check by reminding her that she’s not the easiest substance abuser to get along with, either. The two cry…and then attack each other for what went down in Hawaii.
Kyle nails Kim, saying Kim never apologizes for her wrongdoing. To perpetuate her infantile spirit, Kim offers her a flower and then whines when Kyle pushes it aside and tells her to act like an adult.
Before Kyle can splash water in her face, Kim tosses out a whammy: She’s three months late on her woman cycle! Kyle wonders if it’s menopause, but Kim is convinced she’s got a “gay mastiff” bun in the oven.
Suddenly, Papa Gay Mastiff appears, along with hunka-munka Mauricio. Kim pulls out her lip gloss and applies it to her thin lips and then offers it to her sister. Kyle obeys believing it’s a sign of peace, but little does she know that the lip gloss has a latent cold sore virus festering in it. No matter: The two sisters look like they’ve forgiven each other until the next inevitable argument.
Because she has no friends left, Taylor invites her therapist to be her date to Lisa’s party. Shady. When she finally shows up to SUR, Lisa and Kyle notice Taylor’s shiner. Before much can be said, the therapist demands all the ladies to sit down to hear Tay-Tay’s cry for help because group therapy sessions are customary at fancy bar parties.
While Taylor begs for compassion, revealing that indeed she’s been abused by Russell and has lower self-esteem than her lips, Adrienne looks on warily. She jumps in and defends Camille and says they’re in need of protecting themselves from Taylor because of the lawsuits. Although Kyle tells Taylor that she doesn’t owe any of them an apology, Adrienne and Camille say indeed she does!
Taylor apologizes to Camille for lying about her abuse and begs all of the ladies to be best TV buddies forever. Because her face is as unmovable as stone, Camille shows Taylor she forgives her by way of blinking slowly. They all hold hands and live happily ever after!
Unfortunately, while the kumbaya is in full effect, Kim has barricaded herself in the bathroom and decides to mime and occasionally talk to her imaginary friends. Jennifer from “Celeb Rehab” is patiently waiting outside the door but her drug radar goes off the charts, and she considers texting Dr. Drew.
Watch Taylor Attempt to Apologize: