“The Bachelor” wasn’t a cake walk this past Monday night. Not only were there scary heights to climb in San Fran but also pancake butts were getting bruised whilst skiing, and there was crying and fainting of North Korea-Kim Jung Il-ian proportions! And the biggest whopper of them all was when a mystery girl showed up at the last minute to try to woo Benjina’s heart at the cocktail party! Hint: She drains blood for a living!
Check out the deathly sequence of events right here:
Over the Top
Ben takes Epidemiologist Emily on his first one-on-one date in San Fran! Even though they’re both extremely afraid of heights, he tells her they’re both climbing to the top of Bay Bridge!
To ease them in for their dizzying trek, the instructor tells them it’s quite possible they could die on reality TV. The two are given colorful gender-identifying hard hats—blue and pink—and as they look at the climb before them, the potential lovers regret not wearing diapers. As they trudge higher and higher, Emily panics! To comfort her, Ben sucks on her lips, and although she wants to toss antibacterial in her mouth, Em decides to release her fears by screaming! Against all odds, the two finally make it to the top, despite Chris Harrison having to bring two new pairs of pants for them, along with some baby wipes.
They go to dinner, and the night lights allow Ben to show off his shimmering lip gloss (must be a metro thing). Em tells him of her horrible online dating experiences, and they exchange unmemorable niceties that makes us fall asleep with our mouths open. We wake up to find him giving her the rose, and he proceeds to peck her continuously. Suddenly, fireworks explode—not just in Benjaboo’s pants!—but also in the sky! Oh my! The girls scream with envy back at the hotel and decide to put millions of germs on Emily’s pillow.
Butt Skiing in the Summer
Ben takes Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erica, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Elyse, and Kasey S. snowskiing in the city!
Instead of mountains, Ben shows the girls a man-made snow hill in the middle of a disgruntled neighborhood! The girls strip down into their bikinis that they all happen to be wearing, and the cameras capture various-sized badonka donks and cottage cheese thighs zooming down the snowy runway! Yeehawww! Collisions and screaming and mooning abound!
At dinner, Kacie B. tortures herself by watching Benji-Poo make out with other girls. She pulls him aside, and to shut up her complaining, he makes out with her, too. He talks to Blakeley, and she confides that all the ladies hate her but her teeth distract him. Suddenly, Brittney—whom he requested his last individual date with—suddenly appears with her luggage in tow to break up the party! She tells him she’s thought a long and hard 15 minutes but realized she’s just not that into him. He looks at her uncomfortably as if passing some painful gas, but being the gentleman that he is, walks her out to the cab. Guess Grandma Sheryl was more into Ben’s man pasties than her granddaughter.
Ben returns to the dinner party, and trying to shake off his injured ego, gives the rose to nose-ringed Rachel.
Gravel Voice Wins the Last Date
The next morning Ben awakes to the smell of horse manure and takes it as a sign: Lindzi will be his replacement date! At night they hop on a trolley and eat trans-fat ice cream and drive through Chinatown. Next stop: City Hall! They walk through the dark echoey building with flashlights, and suddenly, a band emerges lip-syncing the night away! The lovebirds dance and eat each other’s mouths with delight!
After paying the band with ice cream cone crumbs, the two take off to an underground speakeasy. It’s there that Lindzi tells Ben she was horrifically dumped via text. She continues speaking, but her voice reminds Ben too much like that kid’s from “The Shining,” and it kinda freaks him out. Before he can scream “Redrum! Redrum!,” Chris H. scolds him from behind the cameras, and Ben quickly hands her the rose!
Watch Shawntel’s Shocking Arrival:
Legs of Death Threatens the Self-Esteem of the Entire Group
A mystery girl drives on the highway to the cocktail party…all we know for now is that she sounds like a Valley Girl and drives stick shift…
Suddenly, she pulls up, and we discover it’s Mortician Shawntel from Brad’s season! She decides to instill fear into the hearts of the other girls by being dead-set (pun intended) on winning Ben’s heart!
She walks through the room, and the rest of the girls begin to hop out of their thongs screaming “Who’s that girl?!” and “What’s happening?!” When Shawntel and her legs of death stand before Ben, he curses in shock and the waves in his TRESemmé hair fall flat.
Giving them no privacy, the girls crowd around the two as if they’re about to pounce on the interloper! Elyse, who apparently had a demon lodged in her throat, blurts out “Who is sheee?!!!”
Trying to look as cute as ever by squinting her eyes repeatedly, Shawntel tells Ben she believes they had made a connection (based on clandestine chats they had in the recent past off-camera). She tells him she’ll be at the rose ceremony, and he just stares at her thighs dumbfounded. Quickly, he introduces her to the group and walks off, knowing that she might get killed.
Within no time, the ladies begin to attack her. “You don’t know Ben!” Elyse screams. Shawntel tells the angry ladies nicely that if they don’t like her they’re just insecure biatches. And insecure indeed they were—even Bottom Lip-Eating Courtney begins to cry! Yahooo!
The Dangling Rose
Ben offers the first rose to Courtney; she hesitates but then accepts it—but not without calling Shawntel “What’s-Her-Butt” before she walks off. The other roses go to Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Kasey S., Blakeley, Monica, Nicki, Samantha, and…the final rose goes to…WAIT! Erica suddenly falls to the floor (probably because she realizes she’s one of the butter faces of the group but everyone blames Shawntel instead).
After Erica gets fanned, Ben makes a speech about how wonderful the last three girls are and then decides to give the final rose to NOBODY! Shawntel, Erica, and Monica go home! THUD! Erica falls to the floor again! Jaclyn quacks off and cries her brains out! Ben walks Shawntel out and explains that although he likes her luscious gams and cherubic face, he didn’t think it was fair to the girls for her to be there. She stares at him with disappointment and rigamortis sets in her heart.
Highlights From Next Episode
Park City, Utah! Kissing in elevators! Falling butt first in caverns! Courtney acts like a jerk towards Emily and makes her cry!