Maybe it was the crystal blue Hawaiian waters, the smell of coconuts amid a flirty breeze, or perhaps it was the cottage cheese-defying ways of Brandi’s bikini-clad bum that made relationships change course on last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Whatever it was, boy, were we surprised!
From Paul and Adrienne’s passionate spark of yummy-time love to Lisa’s embrace of Brandi and her potty mouth, everyone was beginning to put their guard down and nuzzle up to each other during Mauricio’s paradisaical b-day getaway…but not so much with late arrivals Kim and new man Ken.
Once the oddball couple arrived, Mauricio and Kyle wasted no time in unleashing their frustrations on Kim, whose mind was clearly in some dark corner of the pharmacy department at Walgreen’s. Although they were trying to get her to deal with her issues, Kim held onto her “gay mastiff” Ken for cover and dodged their truthiness bullets!
Check out how not to be high on life:
After a long plane ride of drooling and over-medication, Kim finally arrives with her juicy-headed man Ken. They saunter in late and take their seats alongside everyone for an outdoor dinner. Mauricio and Kyle ask Kim why they got to Hawaii so dang late, and Kim lies, claiming Ken—who’s retired—had to work. This makes her bro-in-law and sis annoyed, so Mauricio decides to push the situation by asking more questions, which agitates Kim. Kyle looks at her older half-comatose sis and says what she’s claiming is “bullsh*t.” Immediately after, Mauricio asks Kyle for a kiss, and Kim mocks them mimicking their gestures with a high-pitched whiny voice. In turn, Kyle gives her the Michael Douglas look of death.
Later in the evening, romance is in the air for the most unromantic couple Paul and Adrienne! Paul makes a toast to his wife, and after much prompting by the gang, she gives him a bit of tongue action…and we all died a little inside.
Kim gets in the mood and starts talking dirty to Ken, which grosses out Kyle so much that she gets teary-eyed. Mauricio decides to get under the weird couple’s skin and makes another toast about being honest and true to oneself. Kim blurts out: “There’s nothing to fess up with, Maurice!” (Yes, when you’re medicated, you can misuse prepositions.) Everyone downs their wine nervously, knowing that the reason why she was tardy for the party was because she was playing predator to her medicine cabinet back at home.
The next morning, everyone’s waiting for Kim and Ken so they can go on their catamaran adventure. Kyle and Lisa bang on Kim’s door and once the couple finally opens the door, they blame their alarm for not going off. Frustrated, Kyle makes the executive decision to leave the two slackers behind.
Watch Things Get Uncomfortable With Ken:
At the dock Ken and Kim realize the group’s already taken off, so they return to the hotel to eat breakfast and talk about Ken’s irritated red eyeball. Ken also threatens that he’ll attack anyone if they disrespect Kim again! She looks at him and then carries an almost incoherent conversation with her eyes closed and her voice slurring. Match made in heaven if you ask us.
Back in Beverly Hills, Taylor visits her only remaining friend Dana since the rest of the community is afraid they’ll be sued if they even dare to glance at her lip implants. The emaciated blond shows off her new bangs and begins to cry about how much she tried to save her marriage. Dana reassures her that the rest of the ladies will welcome her back into their clique in no time and that she’ll still be able to be on TV.
After Lisa adoringly examines Brandi’s dimple-less bum on the catamaran, the gang freshens up and heads out to the Four Seasons for the umpteenth Mauricio birthday-themed dinner party. Kim arrives with Ken and repeatedly reassures the ladies that it was fate that they didn’t go with them. “Everything happens for a reason,” she exclaims, while everyone rolls their eyes.
Paul, Adrienne, and Kim decide to take a stroll around the grounds and talk niceties about Ken, but because Ken’s on the defensive and is insecure that he looks like Gargamel from the Smurfs, he walks up to Paul and Adrienne and aggressively accuses them of talking smack about him. The stubby couple tell him on the contrary, but Adrienne’s so turned off by his accusations that she gives him the “I-want-to-kickbox-your-head-in” look for the rest of the night.
Once everyone gets seated for dinner, Kyle is ready to rumble. Angry at how rude and selfish Kim and Ken have been throughout the whole trip, she starts out by telling Kim that they missed out on everything. Kim brushes her off, but Mauricio chimes in that it’s a “surreal birthday dinner”—like in a bad way because Kim and Ken have messed it up.
In an attempt to get Kim to realize she’s in need of major rehab, Kyle yells across the table, rhetorically asking how she could’ve missed two planes and kept everyone waiting and waiting. “It’s not going to be dropped…you can laugh and try to blow it off…” says Kyle. Finally, Gargamel loses his juice head. “We don’t care,” he interjects in his nasal tone. Kyle jerks her neck around in anger. The two get up to leave, while Kyle blurts out, “Don’t expect their aren’t repercussions to your actions.”
The gang commences with their meal, and along with Lisa, Brandi tells Kyle to leave Kim be since she’s not ready to be helped. She also points out that it’s obvious that Ken-head is enabling Kim.
Kyle tears up. “I don’t know how to ignore the elephant in the room and act like there’s nothing wrong!”