“I wanna come home, yeah-er!” sang Pauly as the gang happily packed their thongs and hair spray in Italy and headed back to Seaside on last night’s premiere of “Jersey Shore.” (If you listened closely, you could hear Italians everywhere crying quiet tears of joy as if a curse had been lifted.)
But once the guidos and guidettes arrived at Seaside, the happiness was short-lived. A surprise welcome-back party filled with family and friends proved to be a threat to Snooki, as the truth about her orgiastic hook-up with Sitch was one step closer to being revealed in front of Jionni. And then there was homesick Vinny. At the sight of seeing his raucous family—perverted uncle and coddling mom and all—the Vin-mesister was sent into an emotional tailspin and was on the verge of falling into fetal position and thumb sucking.
Check out the dram drams right here:
After endless hours on a plane, the crew lands in Guido Land and takes off straight to their Seaside home with gratitude, albeit exhausted and very greasy-faced from hours of flying. They scream with ecstasy as they see their beloved duck phone waiting for their germs to be all over it again! Vinny and Pauly dry hump each other in keeping with their customary greeting, but Ron and Sam somberly go upstairs since they’re being forced to room with Sitchie again. Sitch isn’t so thrilled, either.
The next morning, it’s “GTL” all the way—but “T” is first, baby! “We’re losing weight, and we’re getting pale—it’s like the end of civilization!” says Sitch. The guys flee to the sun capsules and tanning booths, and after turning the right shade of orange and getting closer to skin cancer, they head out to the gym to work on their ostrich biceps. After laundry, they decide it’s time to groom. Sitchie gets a 90s fade with what looks like an outline of the American Red Cross on the back of his peanut head, and Vinny goes with a faux hawk-mullet.
The gang’s T-shirt employer on the boardwalk invite them out to a local restaurant to celebrate their return, but lo and behold, it’s a surprise partaay with all their family and friends! Roger, Jionni, and even JWoww’s tow-headed dad, who looks like a long-lost member of the Bee Gees, are all there!
Watch Snooki Discuss The Situation On “The Tonight Show”:
At the sight of their loved ones, the gang ugly cries, but wise grasshoppa JWoww quickly turns her concern over to Jionni since the Snook-Sitch affair is still ripe for reveal, along with the reality that Vinny’s cedar oak tree has canoodled with Snooki’s kooka!
But that’s not all! Sitch’s
boyfriend friend The Unit and Snooki’s BFF who hooked up with him (and every other guido in the room) Ryder are there, too! (Translation: The duo are witnesses to the Sitch and Snook raunch fest!) With a few drinks in her, Snooki immediately growls at The Unit, dissing him and his untamed jheri curls!
“I got you, girl!” The Unit says with a threatening smile. “I got you real good!” Loving the tension, Sitchie pretends to be concerned with Snooks, telling her she needs to chill because his dawg might spill the beans. Thankfully, stubby Jionni hears nothing since he was busy doing his biz in the boys’ room.
After the party comes to a close, the gang returns to their house, including The Unit and Ryder. To Sitch’s dismay, Snooki locks herself up in the room with Jionni, and to Deena’s dread, Ryder ends up smushing Pauly. As for Sitch, we’re not sure if he ends up making out with The Unit, but he does offer him pj’s, which is a ritual he performs right before he hits up a grenade in bed.
The next morn, a guarded Snooki and an unassuming Jionni walk past Sitch and The Unit. Sitch runs after her and tells her to apologize to The Unit—or else. Reluctantly—but a sure sign of her guilt—she curtly apologizes…(but we know the drama isn’t really over until Sitch says it’s over!)
But while anger and resentment rages on in one side of the house, there’s melancholy on the other. Longing for his mom’s breast milk, along with her homemade spaghetti and meatballs, Vinny schlumps around on the deck.
After the guys’ unsuccessful attempt at cheering him up at da club later on that night, Mr. Long Eyebrows returns to the house with faithful bud Pauly and Ron at his side. Before his meltdown occurs, we see Jionni playing nice to Sitchie by offering him shots at the bar. Snooki looks on with quiet disapproval and tells her man not to trust him.
When Vinny gets back home, he flees to the deck once more and paces around in silence like a chimp who’s lost his spirit from too many scientific experiments. Ron and Pauly try to comfort him, but the fragile guido can’t take it anymore!
“I can’t f**king function in this environment!” he exclaims.