It was a tale of litigation, drug-induced selective memory, and swollen melon heads on last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” And in the middle of all of it was hostess with the mostess Kyle and her annual white party. Oooh weee!

While many of Kyle’s unnamed guests were gleefully shimmying about in their Fantasy Island haute couture, the matriarch was having heart palpitations as she prepared to: 1) “disinvite” Tay-Tay and Russell (due to the latter’s habit of threatening to sue everyone for slander); 2) cut off Kim’s unending juvenile tirade against Brandi; and 3) avoid Kim’s new beau Ken, who was essentially unavoidable, considering his head was the size of an unusually large and juicy melon.

Check out how friendships stayed sour and went sour:

Pretending to be busy with work, Paul sits in his office—looking extra nostrilly—as he tinkers with his fax machine and waits for Adrienne to come in to tell him some bad news. When she enters the room, she tells him that Russell apparently emailed Camille and threatened to sue her for accusing him of abusing his big-mouthed wifey at Lisa’s tea party.

Sensing that this is becoming a developing trend of Russell’s, the Lioness relays her fears about the possibility of him suing all of the Housewives since Taylor has told them each at different times that he’s been abusive. “Friends don’t threaten to sue friends,” she says.

Adrienne then calls Kyle and tells her the entire situation, which makes Kyle want to run to her fridge for a jumbo-sized bottle of Imodium A-D. Although the hostess attempts to get a hold of Tay-Tay, the blond toothpick is M.I.A. Adrienne reassures Kyle that she and Paul will come, but that they’ll be out the door if things get nutty. She also adds that Taylor’s responsible for putting them in this awkward situation. Preach it, girl.

As the party gets underway, Kim and Ken eventually show up, and eyebrows raise—like, not in a good way. As per usual, Dana pops out of nowhere—sporting major 90s high school yearbook hair—and decides to show a funny pic of her and Brandi. Kim flips out when Dana mentions B’s name and threatens to break the chick’s other leg if she even catches a glimpse of her.

Moments later, cut to Kim going off on Brandi…

Standing next to her “Celeb Rehab” reality friend Jen, Brandi calmly stands in front of Kim, who’s barking at her like an annoying chihuahua. “Don’t even apologize! I won’t even accept your apology!” screams the high-on-meds-not-life blondie.

Trying to ease the high octane moment, Brandi doesn’t fight back, but Kim won’t stop swinging her pony tail and pointing her finger in B’s face! (All the while Ken and Jen just stare at each other, wondering which of them has a worse case of Ed Zachary Disease (just Google it).

“Are you kidding me?” says Brandi as Kim accuses her of being at fault for everything that went down between them. “Are you kidding meee?” mocks Kim. “It’s a shame that a pretty girl like you has a truck driver mouth!”

“I do have a truck driver mouth,” agrees Brandi. “I say the F-word all the time.” As Brandi proceeds to spray the room with F-bombs, Kyle finally interjects. Kim walks off in a huff and attempts to get her daughter to help fight off the Tall One, while the tall blond just shakes her head with pity.

When Russell and Tay’s limo finally arrives, the temporarily happy couple traipse up Kyle’s walkway, only to be stopped by Kyle, Mauricio, Adrienne, Paul, and Lisa. With tears and snot running down Kyle’s face, she can hardly say anything intelligible, so Paul takes the reigns.

He confronts Russell on his threatening email to Camille and tells him it was totally inappropriate. (Of course, Taylor feigns ignorance on the specifics of Russell’s email.) No matter, Adrienne steps in for mumbling Kyle and says she thinks it’s not a good time for all of them to be under one roof, especially considering Camille’s lawyers are advising her to avoid Russell and Tay at all costs.

“So what do you recommend?” asks Russell. “You guys should go,” replies Paul. With lips pooching out a foot from her face, Taylor grabs Russell’s hand and angrily storms off to their limo, as Kyle cries and attempts to talk to them. Everyone else follows.

Trying to lessen the drama that she created, Taylor claims Camille had blurted out “an exaggerated version” of what she told her, but Adrienne isn’t buying Tay’s new version of the story and sticks up for Camille.

After much back and forth, Russell ends the pointless and embarrassing conversation. “Just let us go,” he says calmly.

As Lisa watches the limo zoom off, she looks at Ken with exhaustion. “It’s a mess, it’s just a bloody mess,” she proclaims.

She’s bloody right.

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