Forget about The Bloods and The Crips—it was Planet H. vs. The Palms on last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!”
While Lisa, daughter Pandy, (and strangely enough) Taylor took off to Sin City to celebrate Pandy’s Chippendales bachelorette party courtesy of Planet Hollywood—Palms rival Adrienne decided to invite Camille, D.D.(?), Dena(?!), and Brandi for an-all girls weekend extravaganza…and let’s just say, things got a little steamy on the dance floor with Camille and Brandi! Icky pooh puppies!
Back at home, Kyle was busy preparing for her annual white party but ended up having to play mother to Kim’s familial drama, which was brought on by her decision to move in with her controlling Mr. Bean.
Check out the beans right here:
Wanting to show she has major balls, Taylor shows up to her lunch appointment with Lisa with hardly any make-up on! (Mirrors break everywhere.) She tells the Brit she doesn’t remember much about the maddening Malibu meltdown she had the night before, but that regardless, she will not let anyone try to speak to her rationally ever again! With her usual judgemental expression smeared across her face, Lisa blinks unamused, wondering if she’s gone bonkers for inviting Tay-Tay to Pandy’s bachelorette party.
When the weekend arrives, Adrienne pulls out the red carpet for Camille, D.D., Dana, and Brandi at The Palms—even providing them with their own private bowling alley! But before the balls roll, Dana announces in her gravelly she-man voice that she’s wearing a 125-karat diamond-studded Popsicle necklace! Oh my! (Too bad she didn’t inform us if it’s Gucci or Prada or whatever…but we congratulate her on fueling the blood diamond industry.)
The night ends with some dancing at the club! While everyone’s busy doing a peri-menopausal version of The Electric Slide and The Hammer, Brandi and Camille decide it’s time for some girl-on-girl action! They rub up against each other, and Brandi’s hands even gently touch Camille’s badonka donk. Whoo-weee! Kelsey-cakes is missing out!
Over at Planet Hollywood, the lascivious free-for-all is arguably worse.
After getting wasted at dinner, Tay-Tay, Lisa, and Pandy and her 20-something gang place tiaras on their heads and take off to gawk at the crotch-pumping, butt-gyrating Chippendales Show. “If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right,” giggles Lisa.
After a segment of X-rated manly man moments—performed by some virile young bucks and even a few older men, who, let’s just say, were putting their Viagra and Just For Men dye jobs to good use—Taylor, Lisa, and Pandy are invited onto the stage to do sexy lap dances for some of the Chippies! At the end of the night, Lisa wins the most sexy dance award…if only Jiggy were there scantily clad in a Chippendales thong to congratulate mummy, the night would’ve been bloody perfect!
Back in the B.H., Kyle bumps into elusive Kim while shopping for her upcoming white party. Appearing even more bobbly-headed than usual, an emaciated Kim finally confides to her sis that not all’s well between her and her new troll-man Ken. Apparently, three of her 75 kids are fuming over the idea of her moving in with him and not having her at their beck and call.
“Why can’t anybody be happy for meee?” she cries. She tells Kyle that Ken can be controlling but that she so desperately wants to be in love! “I’m tired of walking in places alone, sleeping alone!” she sobs uncontrollably.
Kyle holds her broken older sis as tears fall down her own face. She not only cries for Kim’s pain, but she also shed water droplets at the horrific thought of what it’s like for her sis to endure making love to Mr. Bean!
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