‘RHOBH’: Taylor Erupts Into a Tantrum…And Proves We’re An ‘Unevolved Species’

by | December 6, 2011 at 8:37 AM | Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Lip implants exploded across the nation after Taylor’s Britney Spears-like meltdown on last night’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

Although Brandi tried to have a lovely belly dancing (sub-themed “See!-I’m-not-such-a-b—h”) party with the ladies at her friend’s Malibu home, it proved disastrous considering she invited frenemies Camille and Tay-Tay, who was still livid about Camille outing Russell’s abuse at Lisa’s tea party. The toxic mix of chardonnay and annoying ancillary characters (i.e. Camille’s slave-friend D.D. and Brandi’s free-spirited nipples) revealed that almost anything can happen in “The BH” hood!

Check out how Tay almost pulled all her hair out…

Although they were invited to Brandi’s almost-BJ-but-now-belly-dancing party, Kim easily opts out and resorts to eating Cheetos for the night, while Lisa wholeheartedly believes she needn’t come since she’s already a master of the BJs. As for Dana, we figure she’s buying designer labels off ebay…

As the rest of the ladies begin to trickle into the Malibu house, Brandi introduces them to her host friend, who just happens to be Jennifer, the sober-resident-helper-who-gets-stepped-on-a lot on “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew.” Although we congratulate her on her weight loss, we can’t help but feel that the magnitude of her lips (and hers are real, by the by) gives Taylor’s blubbery pair a run for their money.

When Taylor and Kyle walk in together, Camille humbly wraps her hyper-pigmented limbs around Miss Lippie, but the latter’s eyeballs go bug-eyed with rage.

But no time to melt down just yet! It’s belly dancing time! Jingle! Jingle! Just moments after Brandi’s belly dancing friend teaches them some basic moves, Kyle breaks off from the routine and does a Salt and Peppa bootie-shaking jive, which after a while, makes Brandi really annoyed.

Perhaps threatened but maybe just offended with the pertness and breathability of Brandi’s nips, Kyle begins to laser her tall nemesis’ areolas, hoping they’ll sizzle off so that she can give them to LeAnn Rimes as a gift. Once the brunette takes her eyes off Tay-Tay, the Skinny Girl slips outside to keep herself from going Oklahoma on Camille’s arse and proceeds to pull on her hair. Once she returns and sits at the bar, the triangle of hate is on like Donkey Kong!

To get revved up properly for her impending meltdown, Taylor tells Adrienne (loud enough for Camille to hear) how betrayed she feels by “some people.” When D.D. hears the passive-aggressive blond, she finally finds her chance to prove to Andy Cohen she’s worthy of being the next new Housewife (as well as promote her love for yellow babydoll dresses that were hip during the 90s) by getting in front of the cameras and proceeding to tell Tay to step off!

But Taylor doesn’t get to steppin! The Lightweight angrily reiterates to D.D. how Camille has potentially ruined her and her daughter’s life by outing Russell’s alleged abuse, but D.D. isn’t feeling her pain.

Camille somberly walks over to the squabbling duo, hoping that she and Tay can resolve things peacefully, but Taylor flips out and commands her to go outside to the deck! D.D. interjects, saying that Tay’s barking is ruder than her ‘tude.

Having had too much bubbly—and apparently, too much psychotherapy—Taylor goes ballistic amid the crowd of ladies who are circling around her to keep her from flying off the ledge.

Linda Thompson (Tay’s swollen-faced friend and also ex-wife of Bruce Jenner) tries to calm her down by telling her to look at the ocean, but all Tay can see is that sand crab D.D., who looks like an animated GIF as she repeatedly hops back into Tay’s face to defend her beloved Camilley Pooh!

“You have no idea what she’s done to meeee!” screams Taylor as she crawls onto a nearby wooden table and makes cat clawing motions towards D.D. Suddenly, she starts going nuts on Adrienne, too! “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!” Cray-Tay cries.

By now, Brandi realizes that if this goes on any longer, Taylor’s lips will pop off and she might go bald from her furious hair-pulling. She tells the enraged Toothpick to get the heck out of her friend’s house, which then makes Kyle go Pointer Sister on her all over again. Brandi pushes Kyle’s hand away, and then Kyle smacks her hand right back!

“You guys are embarrassing yourselves!” yells Linda. “We are an evolved species!”

Apparently not.

In the bathroom, D.D. sobs, proclaiming she’ll be Camille’s protector till the end! “You need to f–king know that I love youuu!” she cries, hoping to God her agent is watching the moment unfold. Although we expect Miss Sycophant to dive into Camille’s cemented face and slam a juicy one on her—alas! Camille stops any potential Katy Perry moment from happening by keeping D.D. at arm’s length.

Meanwhile, Kyle and Tay take off into their limo, and the latter decides to get melodramatic—high school-style—by demanding a cigarette. Like a savage hyena, the skeletal blond screams at the driver to get some cancer-sticks, and then moments later, does a major big upper-lipped ugly cry and tries to crawl into Kyle’s womb for comfort.

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