Part Two of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” Reunion was a dy-no-mite! eppy of Melissa “horse forehead” proportions! It was exactly what we had hoped to see in last week’s tepid Part One opener: Caroline gnashing her “thick-as-thieves” teeth at Tre, Kathy finally waking up from dreaming of brontosaurus-sized cannolis, Tre introducing another new word in her special dictionary, and Melissa revealing she’s the only one who’s able to speak like someone from the suburbs of Connecticut.
In between all of that action, though, was an enormous amount of teeth-grinding temper tantrums and distress that would compel just about anyone—even Andy Cohen—to get a new mouth guard, and he hasn’t even finished wearing his metal braces yet!
To start things out light, Andy brings up whoopie time. Melissa discusses the perplexing, all-encompassing Viagra drive of her hubby Joe Gorga and his propensity to wear girl’s clothing on occasion. Kathy says she makes her Jeff Goldblum look-alike hubby Rich feel like the king (we wonder if he turns into The Fly in bed), and Caroline says she won’t share about what she does under the sheets with Albert. (Good, because we really don’t want to envision that make-out sesh.)
Watch Melissa and Teresa Fight Over Their Hairstylist:
The Dina Factor
Andy asks what the deal is on the rumors that Caroline and Dina are fighting. Caroline feigns ignorance on the details but blames the silverback in the blue dress for whispering poisonous lies to her younger sister—and she says she and Jacqueline have emails to prove it!
“I would love for you to prove it! Bring it baby, bring it,” says Teresa. “What happened to you?!”
“You happened to me,” Caroline retorts. “You are full of sh-t.”
Attack on the English Language
After Kathy talks about her big eyeballs and her love of baking, the subject moves onto Rich and his tough guy ways. Tre says she was turned off by his blunt approach and then graciously proceeds to introduce us to a new vocabulary word from her special dictionary. “I distant myself from them,” she says without a hitch. “I distant myself from Kathy because of him.” Andy looks at her perplexed but with a slightly mocking grin. “Are you not saying the word distance?”
“Unattended” = The F-Word to Tre
Tre can’t control her chest-thumping ways when it comes to Kathy’s accusation that she left her lil Audriana “unattended” during the Joe-on-Joe (hamster-on-hamster) attack at the christening. Feeling she needs to defend her mothering skills, Tre switches into her scary man-ape voice—you know, the one that sounds like the ape Caesar’s from this year’s “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” when he screams “Nooo!” for the first time. Yeah, that one.
Anyway, Caroline can’t stand hearing her enemy’s prideful nonsense and blasts her for it. “[Kathy] took your child out of danger!” she screams angrily. “I would’ve thanked her!”
“I’m being attacked by the three of youse!” Tre exclaims. Then she decides to attack Kathy Kat again for taking her bro away from her on Christmas Eve. Caroline corrects her, saying she had an hour with Joe and Melissa before they left for Kat’s house to have dinner.
“An hour? Maybe that’s good enough for you and your family,” says Tre. “I’ll take a second with my family!!!” Caroline fires back. Showing her tiny fangs, the guidette puts her foot down and says she “wanted the whole night.” Caroline bashes her, saying she’s just a selfish freak and that the world doesn’t revolve around her.
To contribute to the Teresa bashing, Melissa adds that she didn’t appreciate how Joe Giudice called her a “raccoon face,” but Tre reassures her that he was actually referring to Kathy. The latter’s bug eyes pop out in incredulity.
After Melly Mel accuses Tre of turning evil before her glittery eyes, Tre gets flack from Caroline about allowing Gia’s pain to be exposed through her teary sing-song moment at the pizza parlor.
“Why would you do that to your child?! You used your child as a tool,” the Mother Hen says. The wide-eyed Orangina brushes her off and tells Caroline to go “scratch” herself, and the red-head does so mockingly, scratching the junk in her trunk and staring at her enemy the entire time.
Watch: Caroline Cries Over Disagreement With Dina:
Friends Aren’t Mi Familia
To close out the reunion, Andy asks the ladies to define what family means to them. Kathy simply says love, but for the rest of the ladies, they decide to use the opportunity as a way of indirectly preaching to each other.
As she raises an eyebrow to her glassy-eyed sister-in-law, Melissa says family is about loyalty and a whole lotta r-e-s-p-e-c-t. Jabbing at Caroline, Tre says family comes before friends because “blood is thicker than water.”
But it’s the red-headed matriarch that ends up with the TKO, (but that’s kinda an easy assumption to make since, comparatively speaking, she’s arguing with someone who’s borderline el loco).
After saying some bittersweet words about loving family with all of your heart despite not liking each other at times (directed towards Dina), Caroline tears up. Andy asks if perhaps one of those lovely tear drops is for Tre. Her answer? Hell-to-the-no.
“We never had a friendship; we had an acquaintance,” Caroline says bluntly.
“Wow. After 10 years. See how people turn like that?” remarks Teresa. “Beware.”
And on that peaceful note, can you imagine what next season is gonna bring? Danielle Staubgoblin might seem like freakin’ Gandhi by the time we get through with this nutzo circus.
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