For those who enjoy the study of psychology, Teresa’s behavior on last night’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey” Reunion Part One was a classic case of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). But I prefer to keep things as rudimentary as possible when we’re talking about the chick from the mean streets of Patterson, NJ—so I simply like to call how she was acting TCD (Thugaboo Chimp Disorder).
The bitter fallout between Teresa and her former two besties, Caroline and Jacqueline, was—as Hostess With the Mostess Andy Cohen described—a “Greek tragedy,” indeedy. And if anyone’s interested in reading how it all ignited into devilish flames, you can start by perusing through the pages of Fabulicious!
But we can’t forget that heartache also befell newbie Housewives Kathy (a.k.a. Sweet Bug Eyes) and especially Melissa (Thank You, Jesus!), considering their attempt to anthropomorphise their volatile cousin and sister-in-law “Tre” backfired on them. In the end, their faces got mauled, if you get what I’m saying.
Watch: Is Melissa The Devil In A Red Dress?
Before we maul our own faces, check out some of the more interesting moments of last night’s failed Giudice Intervention:
Now Youse See Her, Now Youse Don’t
Andy asks the ladies why Jacqueline refused to show up at the reunion. Trying not to get into the sordid mess, Caroline says that while they were recently filming for the upcoming season, her sis-in-law felt so betrayed over something that Teresa had said or done that she decided not to be M.I.A.
“She started something, she shoulda finished it…bring it on, baby,” Teresa says heaving, eyes gleaming with rage. “Both of youse attacked me!”
Teresa’s new cookbook, Fabulicious!, manged to tick everyone off. Besides insulting Melissa by saying her “baby sister-in-law” copies everything she does, the guidette mentions Caroline being hardly Italian and some snide comment about her son’s stripper car wash business.
Of course, Teresa angrily jumps in before Caroline can cluck, saying she was totally joking and how dare the redhead get upset over it. Being cool as a cucumber, the latter says the only thing that essentially bothered her was the derogatory comment towards her son but that she’s fine with everyone reading the insults since it’ll show how much of a jackhole Teresa is. BAM!
Uninformed or Brain Deformed?
After apologizing to Andy about smacking him around like a ragdoll last reunion, Teresa accuses Kathy and Melissa of betraying her by not revealing they were going to be on the show. Both ladies deny her claim, and Caroline struts in to save the day. “You crucified them to this country; they’re good people” she says of Kat and Mellie Mel. Caroline then proceeds to reveal what Teresa said to her behind Melissa’s back: that she shouldn’t call her pretty and that she has a horse face and horse forehead. Neigh!
As if Teresa should be talking about anybody’s forehead…
Caroline’s Head Spins
As the ladies get to talk about the hamster-on-hamster attack at the infamous christening season opener, Teresa makes a point about how good of a person she is by quietly forgiving her bro Joey and not asking him to apologize.
“I’m looking at forgiveness right now? I’m looking at the face of forgiveness?” asks Caroline rhetorically. Realizing she made a “Doh!” move, Teresa glasses over and tries to hide behind her swamp-ironed hair. Since she has nothing to lose and because she wants to hurry and get out of her Spanx, Caroline lets all of Tre’s ugly hang out: She tells everyone that the latter actually said she didn’t want to forgive her short stack bro because he’s an a–hole. Melissa gasps. “You are such a freaking liar!” screams Teresa to Caroline. “I’m looking at the Exorcist right now! You’re pathetic!”
Watch: Teresa Calls Caroline A Liar:
More Devil Talk
After Melissa cries over her deceased daddy-cakes and insinuates her single “On Display” is doing like “whatevs” on the charts, Teresa proceeds to call Melissa a total gold digger and tells a story of her being tispy and confessing that she was going to “jump on that sh-t” (referring to her Joe’s money). “Teresa, you look like the devil right now,” Melissa exclaims, feeling the itch to call on Jesus to save her sister-in-law.
“You’re the devil,” Teresa shoots back, “you’re wearing red. It matches you. You like that, b-tch?!”
Apparently, Whistles Are Cool Like That
Aside from bringing up Teresa and her hubby Joe’s spending spree while in the midst of bankruptcy fraud issues, Andy mentions Joe’s other legal issue of possibly serving some jail time for obtaining a fraudulent driver’s license. (We figure he got in trouble by lying about his height.)
No big surprise, Teresa acts dismissive, but with Andy’s prompting, Caroline decides to bring it home on this one.
“I’m confused by a lot of it,” Caroline says about the Giudice’s unconscious spending. Teresa immediately begins to bark and grunt, but the Mother Hen tells her to chill out and quit being so defensive.
“I’m calm and cool like a whistle,” Teresa says, thinking she said something clever. “Like a whistle?” asks Andy dumbfounded. Teresa ignores the host and tries to dismiss Caroline’s opinions, saying she doesn’t give a Wakile’s chunky arse what she thinks! And on that thugaboo note, Caroline’s jowls tremble as she unleashes her “Sopranos” monologue:
“Then plug your ears! Why don’t you shut up and listen? I feel like I’m getting dumber as the minutes go on. I’m in a whirlwind of stupid! I don’t understand what [Teresa's] doing. As an intelligent person, it doesn’t add up. We’re all gonna plug our ears, la la la!”
“You should take your own advice,” Teresa counters as her tanning spray smears all over the couch from nervous sweat.
“Yeah, I should take my own advice,” Caroline responds calmly, “and my own advice two years ago was to get you out of my life, and I’m finally taking it.”
Will Tre-Tre have enough brain cells to keep up with Caroline’s ruffled feathers in Round Two of the Real Housewives Reunion next Sunday? We’ll just have to wait and see…
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