[**SPOILER ALERT**] After all the backstabbing, tears, and jeers on “Bachelor Pad,” ex-couple Michael Stagliano and Holly Durst emerged as victors, winning the $250K prize together!
“She’ll always be my teammate!” Michael generously exclaimed, despite having to find out on stage last night that his ex was newly engaged to dental-rific Blake Julian. (Wow, talk about ABC and “Blolly” – Blake and Holly – taking things to a new all-time low by setting up the B-Boy that way.)
The duo were competing against lovebirds Graham Bunn and Michelle Money, whose father just passed away a few weeks prior from colon cancer. Apparently, the housemates honored Michelle’s request that she did not want them to give her any sympathy votes.
Catch Up On Last Week’s Episode:
For those of you living under a rock, the other big announcement last night was that Raphael Nadal Benjamin Flajnik has officially been named the new “Bachelor”! Flatirons and wispy bangs unite!
Check out some of the other juicy highlights:
Accessory of the Night
Erica Rose’s judgmental glass gavel.
Plastic Surgery and Hairy Sightings
- Ella’s new smushed schnoz, lipo’ed body, and bulging puppies took a bow, as did Vienna’s popsicle-stick straight schnoz and medieval prince weave.
- Chris Harrison’s jheri curls looked as fly as ever, and Rated R apparently wore an obese porcupine on top of his head in place of hair.
Worst, Most Inexplicable Breakup
Jackie still didn’t know why Robot Man Ames broke up with her. “I didn’t get out of bed for a week,” she admitted. He could only manage to say that he realized they were two very different nerds, and for the rest of the night, he blinked his eyes rapidly out of nervousness.
Redemption for Chuck Norris, Jr.
With the help of Chris Harrison and the majority of the audience members who flared their nostrils in disgust at the sight of Vienna, Jake was finally redeemed! He admitted he went on the show to have closure with his ex, rather than vie for the $250K, and despite his efforts to extend an olive branch to her before the show even started, she didn’t reciprocate. “The break up was quite profitable for Vienna, and taking the olive branch that I wanted to extend might have changed the course of her career a little bit,” he revealed. Can we get an amen up in here?!
Recessive-Gene Bromance Ignited
A remorseful Kasey apologized to Jake for his tween behavior on the show and boldly admitted in front of a frowning Vienna Sausage that he knows there are two sides to every story. The two dudes hugged…maybe a little too long. Bow chicka wow wow!
Kermit Reference Must Be Abolished
The head-scratching and subtitles must be put to rest: Kasey acknowledged he has a speech impediment.
He Didn’t Guard and Protect His Heart
Kasey cried as he told Chris Harrison that he was ashamed of how he acted on the show. After he heard his housemates dissing him and his caustic relationship with Vienna on camera, he cried some more. “It’s like I can’t get back to being happy,” he said. Although the two are still together, he revealed that sometimes he doesn’t feel that she meets him half-way. Not knowing what the hell to think, Chris Harrison wished them the best and moved onto the next segment.
Blake Still Seems Like a Snake
While Holly was backstage, Blake announced that he fell in love with Mommy Long Legs so much post-show that she plans on moving to South Cackeylacky to live with him! Oh, and by the by, they got engaged and told poor Michael the big news at the live finale. WTF?
Super Awkward, Indeed
You could hear a mouse toot with the level of heartbreaking silence that came over the audience when Holly told Michael on stage that she and Big Teeth were engaged. “I’m sorry, that’s super awkward,” Michael responded. “I’m shocked! Maybe a [glass of] water will be great! Even a letter or an email prior…” He got teary-eyed but shook off his emotions and his teeth-bashing thoughts of Blake for a later time.
Money Gram Likes Adjectives
Graham Crackers and Michelle were full of compliments and adjectives as they described each other. “Respect,” “blessed,” “character,” and “compassionate” were but a few words they exchanged about the other one. “I’m not letting him go,” she said as she hugged one of his arms. We wouldn’t let of go of one of Santa’s elves if we had one, too, Michelley.
Of course, the night ended in the usual “Bachelor Pad” shenanigans of “Will they split the money?” But despite some theatrics on Michael’s part, no one was surprised that he and Holly decided to share the prize—because sharing is caring. We’re just glad that this couple seemed a bit more worthy than last season’s “Man Code” Dave Good and gravel-voiced Natalie Getz.
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