After reading that headline you’re probably thinking, “Oh great…Gordon spent a little too much time in the Samoan sun.” Now that may be true, but hear me out. Every time I interview a new “Survivor” cast, I always try to get a feel for how they’re going to play the game. Unfortunately, I always get a similar answer…
“I’m going to play under the radar, and I’m going to get a good strong alliance, and I’m only going to lie if I have to.”
So this time, I tried to figure out what kind of person they’d want to align with. Did they want someone everybody else would hate? Someone they could control? Someone they could trust? Someone whose coattails they could ride?
And seeing as they didn’t know anything about the cast of people they were about to share a beach with I needed a diverse group of characters for them to choose from.
Enter “The Simpsons.”
So, I asked each player and ‘Survivor’ host Jeff Probst who they’d align with if they were playing the game with the “Simpsons” universe.
Jeff Probst: I think…Marge. I think Marge and I could go a long ways together. Just judging how she works in that family…she’s a little misunderstood. I think Marge is a party waiting to happen. And I think I could get Marge’s vote until the end. Then I’d have no problem gutting her when I had to.
Brandon Hantz: Homer, cause he’s about as dumb as a box of rocks. I’d bring that sucker to the end. He’s kind of like Phillip (Sheppard). No disrespect, Phillip. Well, that was disrespectful… I think he’s a silly guy, and it worked for Boston Rob (Mariano).
Dawn Meehan: I’d probably align with Lisa. I’ve got this girl power thing. I feel like there could be some stronger women on “Survivor”…no offense to those who have played because I’ve never played. But my feeling is I’m looking to play with strong people who are willing to take risks.
Sophie Clarke: I never really watched “The Simpsons” or any TV but I’ve seen “Scrubs” and there are these dweeby guys that make big plans to kill the world. And they’re led by the janitor. I think of myself as the janitor. A smart guy surrounded by very nice, very well-meaning, but perhaps naïve people.
Semhar Tadesse: Not Apu…not Mr. Burns… I’d totally go for Lisa because I find her to be honest and trustworthy. I think I could depend on her and she’s very smart.
Christine Shields Markoski: Maybe Homer because he’s lazy, he’s annoying, and nobody will like him. I would have the best chance to win against him.
John Cochran: Millhouse and Krusty the Clown. Millhouse because I want someone who looks nerdier than I do, so when they start targeting the nerds I won’t be the first to go. And he seems like a bright guy, although I’m not sure why he’s friends with Bart. And Krusty because he seems like a Phillip character or a Coach. He’s a very grating guy. He has his manic states and his depressed states. But nobody’s going to be gunning for me when there’s a Krusty the Clown to vote out first.
Mikayla Wingle: It’d probably be somebody like Lisa. She’s smart and knows exactly what’s going on. I wouldn’t want someone like Bart who’d be loud and outspoken and drawing attention. Bart’s a lot like Phillip.
Elyse Umemoto: I’m not a big “Simpsons” follower, but I am a huge fan of “Family Guy.” And I know that if I had to attach myself to someone there it’d be Stewie. Stewie always has a plan, he looks innocent, he’s angelic, he’s got this accent, people like him. But at the end of the day he’s a smart-ass. He knows what he wants. He has got his game going.
Albert Destrade: From a challenge perspective? Definitely got to go with Duffman. Strategy wise? Gotta be Montgomery Burns, the guy knows how to make things happen. And if you want a blind yes you have to go with Homer. He’s always going to vote with you. And he doesn’t have the mental fortitude to blindside you.
Whitney Duncan: You don’t want to take someone that other people like. So, it’s going to be hard because your natural instinct is to take someone you like.
Stacey Powell: I’d want to be with Bart. I’d want somebody smart and brave. Bart’ll get in there and do whatever. It ain’t no thing to Bart. I want to be in there with strong people.
Jim Rice: I would align myself with Smithers. He’s loyal and he’d never go behind your back. He’s a loyal dude.
Keith Tollefson: This is pretty easy. I think it’d be someone like Moe. Moe is going to take so much of the focus on him. He doesn’t seem like an intelligent guy. You can fade off into the background and still pull the strings.
Rick Nelson: I don’t watch “The Simpsons” but for me I want someone who’ll go out there and actually work. And if you’re a good worker, you’re probably loyal. I want someone with good ethics who’s a good self-starter.
Edna Ma: It might be Mr. Burns because he’s kind of like Russell. If he has his resources around him he’s able to do what he wants. And if we get to the final Tribal Council, and it’s me vs. Mr. Burns? Hopefully it’ll be a Natalie White strategy.
Mark Caruso: It’d be Lisa or Marge. Why? Lisa has the intelligence, but she also has a true heart. And Marge cause she’s a nurturer, which I am. But she’s also a lunatic and crazy. I can use that to control her.
“Survivor: South Pacific” premieres Wednesday, September 14, 2011 at 8 p.m. ET on CBS.
More “Survivor” Fun: XFINITY TV sent Gordon Holmes into the heart of the South Pacific to get a first-hand look at the filming of the latest edition of “Survivor.” Be sure to check back for exclusive interviews with Ozzy Lusth and host Jeff Probst, behind-the-scenes photos, and more.
Any Questions about “Survivor: South Pacific”? Drop me a line on Twitter: @gordonholmes