On last night’s “Jersey Shore,” relationship issues saturated the house like Schweddy Balls!
Aside from the usual Ron and Sam bull honky that nobody wants to talk about, an isolated Sitchie felt his only friend was his neck brace, while Snooki was pleading for some love and affection from her judgmental boy toy Jionni. Even Deena had some issues with her Italian crush, Ellis, whom she had to dismiss because he apparently got a hickey from his sister. (Surprisingly, she wasn’t down with that.)
However, there was a couple who were loving up on each other and having the time of their lives—Pauly and Vinmeister, baby! In fact, not only did they stay away from the drama, but they also edu-muh-cated us on another breed of guido—the lowly “FPC” kind. “Fist pump, Push up, Chapstick!” they mockingly cheered as they donned Nike headbands and Italia tracksuits.
But for those of youse guys who revel in the dysfunction, I got your dysfunctional highlights right here:
Only the Lonely
Not having smushed or partied for days, Sitchie and his neck brace sit quietly in meditation and experience their first existential crisis together. Searching for someone to coddle him like an infant, the Pretty Boy calls his sister and helplessly lays on the couch, revealing a pair of non-existent calves. When Ronnie swings by, Sitch tearfully confesses to him that he feels helpless, hurt, and wants to go home. Boulder Buddy attempts to cheer him up by suggesting they could do some calve strengthening exercises at the gym.
“It’s all good. I’m gonna man up,” Sitchie resolves. “I got heart. I’m gonna stand up, and I’m gonna stay.” He takes off his neck brace, and the pink-beige undertones smeared across it reveals his beauty secret: Sitchie wears Clinique Superbalanced Foundation in No. 9 Sand.
Try, Try Again
Ronnie brings Sammi into the ciggie room and professes his undying dinosaur-size love for her. Still fuming over the fact he brought another girl’s digits to Italy with him, Sam spews her venom. “You did me f–king dirty,” she declares. “You’re a pig!” He apologizes but quickly mentions the fact she did the same thing to him with Planet of the Apes extra Arvin. While the two bicker, Vinny walks in and tells them that if they want to rip each other new badonka donk holes, that’s totally fine—just do it away from the gang. They respectfully concur, and like a schizophrenic in love, she sweetly tells Don Ron they can give their relationship another gorilla go.
Be Careful What You Say
Feeling love sick, Snook ‘ems calls Jionni to tell him the sweetest thing you could ever hear from a diminutive guidette: “I wanna suck your butt,” she coos. “You’re so stupid!” blurts out her conservative, image-conscience boy toy. She quickly apologizes but complains that she can’t be her real self around him. After she hangs up, Ron tells her not to change for anyone and that if she has to, to demand Jionni suck Nutella off her toes! “Well, not my toes,” she giggles.
Trying to conceal her “smush up” with Sitch, Snooki demands that he apologize to her for being an idiot—mind you, she doesn’t really demand that he admit to lying. “I shouldn’t have f–king said anything to Ron—maybe I should’ve said something to Pauly,” he jokes. The Minion walks away fuming.
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
When night falls, the gang goes to the club for another night of sweating, frenzied fist pumping, and potential crab exchange. After slurping on Sam’s tongue, Ron is so hyped with the base-popping beats he let’s his twinkle toes do the emoting! But because his big toes get ahead of themselves, he falls to the floor and jacks up his knee!
Meanwhile, some random blond keeps giving Snooki the stink-eye all night, and Deena and JWoww rally to their little friend’s defense by threatening to give the girl a beat down! Moments later, as Snooks requests a shot from the bar, someone vindictively tosses a drink onto her horse mane, and it unleashes the rabid squirrel monkey in her! She flies to pummel the instigator, and fellow squirrel monkey cohort Deener jumps into the action—thighs first! Because the mini duo only come up to the average person’s waist, they end up accidentally targeting each other and bopping their heads together amid the commotion! Vinny’s Brooke Shields eyebrows respond with delight at all the violent confusion.
When they all get home, Snooki calls her Munchkin Man again, and he immediately begins to accuse her of being embarrassing and repeatedly asks if she’s hooked up with someone. She gets so upset she blacks out the next day. Concerned that their orange nub isn’t acting like herself anymore, JWoww and Sammi try to tell her that Jionni is bad news and confess that they had planned to have an intervention of sorts. “You don’t do a f–king intervention,” protests Snooki to the camera. “I’m not addicted to heroin; I’m just addicted to my boyfriend’s penis, that’s all.”
If you’re diggin’ my “Jersey Shore” coverage and would like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!