Perhaps there was something in the vodka because everyone seemed to be going sexually stir crazy on last night’s “Bachelor Pad.”
While Graham and Michelle had a standard face suck-a-thon, there was the fascinating case of Kienna (i.e. Kasey and Vienna), who argued constantly because Miss Googly Eyes just couldn’t find it in her to copulate with her prepubescent man amid a house full of strangers—although the Florida Jungle Girl in her wanted to.
And then there was ovary-magnet Blake. Even with Melissa’s bi-polardom out of the picture, he still ended up having two ladies after his bicuspids! Offering him some lusty visuals so he wouldn’t forget her, Holly decided to flit around in her itsy bitsy bikini, while you better believe Princess Erica wasn’t gonna go down without a booblicious fight! Too bad for him, Mr. Choppers had to pour his mental energies into dealing with the unwanted advances of the latter since they were forced to be partners…
Watch Part One:
Experience the epic sexual harassment below:
Getting to Know Youuu
As the remaining five couples glumly walk back into the mansion after eliminating Cray Cray Melissa and P-Willy, Chris Harrison gives them the 4-1-1 on how they’ll be playing the game from now on. “You need to find a partner,” he tells them (but really, he’s just talking to Erica and Blake). “You’ll be competing as a couple, winning as a couple, voting as a couple, and voted off as a couple…oh, and one more thing: That person you choose, you might want to get to know ‘em.”
Believing he’ll totally be jonesing for more sensual canola oil massages, Erica delightfully partners up with the Dental Prince. “Blake doesn’t realize it yet, but this is the best thing that’s ever happened to him,” she says. “I’m a lot sweeter than Holly is, and in my opinion, I’m a lot prettier.”
Taking Chris Harrison’s cue on getting to know each other, the couples take off to various parts of the mansion and gets busy yappin’! What’s your favorite color? How many times do you scratch your badonka donk in a day? What size are those fake puppies? Clearasil or ProActive?
For their next challenge, Chris Harrison introduces the gang to the Nearlywed Game! Yeeehaw! The couple who can guess their partner’s answers correctly and wins the most points gets immunity and a romantic one-on-one date!
After all the questions are asked and the points are added up, we realize that: Kienna doesn’t know squat about each other, Blake and Holly want to pump each other’s pasties, Erica doesn’t mind calling herself a slut, and everyone hates Blake.
But the most spectacular revelation is that Michelle and Graham have brains bigger than walnuts! The clever couple decided beforehand that with any gender specific question, their answer would be Michael, any non-gender specific question would be Holly, and any numerical question would be seven! Who knew there were triple digit IQs in da house!
In the end, because of their deft strategy, Demon Lady and Elfin Face win immunity! The runners up, Blake and Erica, win a romantic date as a consolation prize. Although Monsieur Big Teeth doesn’t care to get away from the house and strategize since he knows his arse is toast, his voluptuous monotone partner is all smiles because she plans on getting her piper paid in a big way.
Watch Part Two:
Michelle and Graham are swooped up by a helicopter and land on a rooftop with a hot tub! For some cross promotion, ABC forces the two to preview the upcoming rom-com, What’s Your Number?, while floating half-naked in the pool. Pretending to enjoy the film while doggie paddling, the two turn into prunes as the chlorine sinks into their secret places. Suddenly, half-way into the screening, Michelle and Graham Crackers slurp each other’s faces off.
Starry-Eyed Princess Becomes Predator
“I hope I’ll be in missionary position tonight!” Erica piggie snorts as she gets revved up for her and Blake’s date. The two are taken to a Spanish deco hotel and saunter down into the catacombs. It’s there that she tells him that she talks to dead people and that she consults regularly with Herbie, her astrologer. To quell his fears of being caught up with another potential blond nut job, Blake pops open a bottle of champagne and nervously gulps down a glass. Erica purrs as she aggressively rubs his bulging chicken thigh.
When the odd couple get to dinner, they’re surprised to see two roses on the table! They find out they’ve been given the power to save one couple from elimination, but unfortunately, they can’t take the immunity for themselves. While Blake contemplates on how they might be able to strategize, Erica is ready to try out her recycled diaphragm!
“I think we need to relax and do whatever we feel like doing,” she says. In polite protest, Blake says that by staying overnight, it might make him look even more suspect. She blows him off and says she wants to take that risk and “bond” with him, adding that she’s even brought some sexy lingerie! Blake smiles anxiously as beads of sweat form around his teeth. Getting angry at his hesitations, Miss Tiara keeps insisting for some Action Jackson, but Blake stands his ground and refuses to be sexually harassed any longer! The Princess claims his sudden off-putting behavior is so stereotypical Gemini.
The Dumbest Decision Ever
The next day, Erica apologizes to Blake for her unprincess-like advancements and gets back into talking about game play. They decide to tell people about their new rosebud power, and in the end, they stupidly bequeath immunity to Kienna of all couples! “They just threw away two roses,” Ella says in tears. Celebrating their latest win, Kienna gets busy with their bromance and make out in the pool.
To Blake It Or Not to Blake It–That Is Holly’s Question
When voting time rolls around, each couple must decide which other couple they’ll be kicking to the curb…
Feeling confident that Kienna will keep him and Erica safe, Blake tells his whole milk-chested partner to scurry off and vote Erk (i.e. Ella and Kirk) out. While she bounces off to cast her ballot, he ballerina twirls over to Holly to suck her saliva because he suffers from dry mouth. Like clockwork, Michael happens to see them making out and his toupee almost falls off. He flies over to Michelle and Graham and says he’s totally voting off Tooth Man, and they agree it’s for the best. When Kienna tries to convince them to take Erk out instead, the gang tells them to kiss their grits!
Because she knows his intentions, Holly runs to Michael and begs him not take away her post-breakup yummy time. To torture her, the B-Boy tells her that she will have to be the deciding vote! She cries like a baby, and good friend Ella swings over to comfort her. The single mom reassures her that no matter which way she votes, Blake will understand. She then quietly slips a picture of her 9-year-old son into Holly’s pocket and scampers off.
In the end, Holly decides to save Erk and vote Blake and Erica out! “I know I should be sad about leaving the house and losing my chances at $250K,” says Blake as he rides away in the limo, “but honestly, the thing that gets me the most is having to leave Holly. Holly handed me a note that says ‘Blake, my heart and nasolabial folds are breaking right now…this isn’t the end for us.’”
Highlights From Next Episode
Season finale! Las Vegas! Suspending in the air with fugly camel toe-producing outfits!
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