Tensions ran high on last night’s “Jersey Shore” as the guys tried to make sense of Deena’s bi-licious ways and Snooki was giving Mikey the silent treatment for revealing their smushed-out affair—although she claimed it didn’t happen. (Wink wink.)
Although Sam and Don Ron were going strong for the first fifteen minutes of their reunion—a personal best for the two—things went fecal when Sam’s jealousy got the best of her, coupled with Ron running low on his hourly dose of roids. To top it off, Miss Succubus brought Sitch into their malfunctioning mess, and in turn, transformed her beloved Shorty into a 4’5” hurricane!
Check out the highlights before Ron beats Sitchie to a pulp on the next episode:
Robbery Gets You In Trouble
To show their disapproval toward Deena’s “robbery” against Vin during his mid-hookup session with Disposable Twin #2 the night before, Pauly and Vinny prank Miss Bi-curious by moving her bed into the living room. She bawls at the sight and runs into Sammi’s arms, claiming she’s having an anxiety attack…but we just think she wants to rub up against Sam’s Stairmaster thighs.
As JWoww reprimands the two pranksters for being “malicious,” Vinny gives it to her straight. “You’re defending the same girl who does something stupid every night then cries about it the next day,” he says. Nonetheless, she brings Deena into the room to have the three settle the “c–k-blocking” debacle for good, but before the latter can say anything, Pauly lays down the law. He tells Dee-dee that her testosterone has plummeted, giving way to a heightened emotionalism that only straight girls are supposed to have. Plus, he adds, the c–k-blocking was utmost shady.
Without a fight, Deena submits. She blames herself for being out of sorts and confesses her hybrid genitalia has been so stimulated by alcohol and stress that her “lesbionic” moment went too far. “Whatever you do, don’t ever take any advice from Sammi,” says Vinny lightheartedly. The boys forgive her, and they plant a couch on top of her bed to let the good times roll. She gives them the birdie, and it’s a happy ending. (Not the dirty kind.)
Hedging His Bets
Although Ron and Sam are back on, JWoww overhears the Stegosaurus getting his flirt on with mysterious Hannah, who’s supposed to visit him soon. Because she doesn’t want another R&S atomic bomb in the house, the brunette asks him what the heck is going through his prehistoric head. He tells her simply that if Sam doesn’t work out, he wants to have a honey on the side.
Later that night at the club, Ronnie tries to snag maximum visibility by jumping on a height-enhancing stage to show his robotica-erotica moves while drinking some gin and juice. A slurring and jealous-eyed Sam watches his every bicep and begins to imagine chubby chicks rubbing up against him. To his surprise, she gives him a dirty look and walks away.
As he makes his way to her and finds out why she’s angry with him, Don Ron cuts to the chase. “Well, this isn’t going to work out because you don’t trust me!” he exclaims, as he walks out with the sweatiest head ever seen on reality TV. “She don’t f–king deserve me!” he grunts.
When she arrives at the pad, Sam hiccups back to his room and starts throwing out the verbal punches, making the grave mistake of saying Sitch even told her that he had five girls on their way over to pump his libido dry!
Roid Rage Takes Over
Hearing that the Pretty Boy has been trying to stir up trouble again, Ron suddenly turns green and his skin begins to tear apart as his muscles spill over! Oh, it’s Hulky time! Humanity goes out the door and the soul of a Silverback Gorilla takes over his every move! With great force, Roid Ron begins to throw things at a lounging half-comatosed Sitch. Dragging his knuckles and hopping from left to right, he shrieks out what Sam told him. “What are you talking about?!” screams Mike. Ron darts into Sitch’s bedroom and begins to toss out his Brittany-defiled mattress into the living room! The infamous beat down that makes Sitchie’s face look like a baboon’s heiny is about to happen, people!
If you’re diggin’ my “Jersey Shore” coverage and would like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!
Special “Jersey Shore” Note: Ron’s explosive pummeling of Sitch will air this Sunday at 7pm EST before MTV’s VMA pre-show.