There’s a reason why “Bachelor Pad” can’t ever be compared with “Survivor” in regard to strategy—because unlike its CBS predecessor, this gang decided to switch brains with billy goats before coming on the show. With the exception of a very few, these directionless souls moped around last night like a bunch of namby-pambies, terrified to jump from one alliance to another!
So far, the show in its two seasons has yet to give viewers a shocking twist that has exemplified smart game play. And by the by, can someone please explain to me again why everyone has been bowing down to Kermit the Kid and Vienna the Vulture?!
While Fakey Jakey gained momentum to oust Kasey (and the blond brussel sprouts eeking out of his chin), the one character who came out of the woodwork and demonstrated some real deft strategy was shockingly Her Highness Erica! (Even though she’s easily perceived as a dumb blond, it’s only because she acts and sounds like one.)
Watch Part One:
Read on to see if Jake achieved bringing down Kasey and his cantaloupe-colored skin:
Sync or Swim
After giddily trying on the girls’ bikinis to stretch them out, Chris Harrison zips over to the gang and tells them that their next challenge will be synchronized swimming! The guys and girls will be forced to follow a routine and a panel of judges will reward an individual guy and girl with immunity! Heehee!
Ladies first! Decked out in floral fros and bikinis, the gals dreadfully disappoint with horrible acid trip-like jumps, disunited leg twirling, and flailing chicken arms!
As an honorable mention, Erica leads the charge with the largest set of “flotation devices,” but unlike the rest of the gals, hers aren’t made of medical jelly! Unshaved pits abound—oh my! Michelle smiles as her body moves like R2-D2! Vienna’s KFC drumstick legs impress the panel!
Now it’s the guys’ turn! Stripping down to unflattering multi-chromatic Speedos, the guys reveal how chilly the weather really is! No matter: What the men lack in cajones, they make up for in bountiful chesticles and mad synchronized skills!
Dainty dives explode into perfection! A delish display of flexed-to-impress Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Calves invade our incredulous eyeballs! Jake soars from within the aquatic manly-man circle and bursts into Baryshnikov ballerina twirls! Using underwater nether region technology, a camera pans into his exceptional bionic package—that humble Son of a Gun!
Unfortunately, though, this isn’t a “naughty bits” competition, and Michael ends up stealing the win for the guys, and Michelle for the girls! They each snag group dates and the power to bestow an additional immunity rose to a man and woman of their choosing. Annoying power couples—here we come!
Impressed with Jake’s bulge, Erica invites him into a separate room. Inexplicably, the two Recessive Genes immediately hold hands, and Her Highness starts rubbing her hammer toes on him. They decide to align forces and become a secret power couple.
As Kasey observes Vienna’s attentiveness and politeness towards her Ex, he goes on a jealous rampage, but Miss Barracuda Face will not stand for his attacks! “You said you’d protect me!” she screams (as we scream at the sight of her face with wet hair.) “I don’t want to be in the house with him! Don’t be an a**hole!”
“It’s funny, she calls Jake a fame whore, but she’s more of a fame whore than he is,” Kermit admits to the camera. “I hope that the things she said [about Jake] are true, man.”
Watch Part Two:
Deviled Eggs Hearts Graham Crackers
Michelle chooses Graham, Kasey, and Blake for her group date, and they drive off to a vineyard. After Michelle tells lobster-skinned Blake that he needs to make amends with skeletal Melissa, she takes off with Graham and confesses she’s starting to fall for his elfin face and Vulcan ears. No surprise, she gives him the rose.
Second Chance at Love?
For his date, Michael takes Vienna the Varmit, Ella, and who else but his old love Holly Hobby(!) to go horseback riding in the hills! As they all clippety clop in silence, Vienna’s horse takes off to the front and like her, defecates in everyone’s path! Michael takes Holly aside, and she asks him if he really misses her. He says yes and proves it by pointing at his hair loss. “Deep down I don’t think we’re supposed to be together because I don’t think relationships should be this hard,” she says to the camera.
Shocker: Michael gives Holly-wood the rose. As he shoos Vienna and Ella back home, he surprises his love with a serenade by Poison’s Brett Michaels! As the bandanna-wearing rocker croons his smash hit “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” the B-Boy caresses Holly’s lovely freckled arm, and in that moment, she has second thoughts on their future. Feeling frisky, she asks Brett if he could belt out “Talk Dirty to Me” for the two of them.
As Blake re-manipulates twitchy, unstable Melissa, Jake works on Erica, but she’s already on board to denounce Kermie. Utilizing his sexiest Chuck Norris moves on her, Jakey gently holds her hands and then casually gobbles down her curvaceous tongue. “I think my kiss with Jake was a long time coming,” states Erica. “It was definitely hot. I definitely have good lips that I maintain with getting injections every six months, and I’m a good kisser.”
‘This I Promise Yoooou’
Despite their bickering, Kasey surprises Vienna for their six-month anniversary. “My love for you is infinity,” he says. “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring!” she begs. Although upset that she killed the moment, he pulls out a Kay Jewelers box and reassures her that it’s just a promise ring. He slips it on her masculine birdie finger and then does the unthinkable: He sings her an asthmatic ballad, sounding like a choked-up fog horn.
Once Melissa gets word that Erica is conspiring against her, she marches over to the Princess and barks at her like a fearful, abused chihuahua. Taking advantage of the small crowd watching the scene unfold, Erica calmly states, “I’m not the one flying off the rocker every second.” Shaking with frustration, Melissa flocks to the bathroom and searches for a laxative to calm her jitters.
One Man Goes—Which One? Nobody Knows!
Since Ames willingly fled into the arms of his temporary love, Balki from “Perfect Strangers”, Jackie, Chris Harrison tells the gang that collectively, they must vote off one man and one man alone. Team Jake scrambles to get enough votes to topple Kasey’s power trip, while Team Kasey, of course, thinks Jake will be gone in a landslide.
However, the Backstreet Boy is jolted out of his Superman briefs when he discovers a motley crew, led by turtle-talking Erica, are voting against him! “If Kasey goes home it will definitely be a blessing…” the Tiara-Wearing Texan charges. “I don’t think Kasey and Vienna are good people—and they’re not even cute. People are letting Trailer Park Trash and a Tattooed Guy run their lives. That’s pathetic.”
Declared to be the closest vote on “Bachie Pad” history, Kasey ends up getting the rose! Damnnn! Jake loses!
Highlights From Next Episode:
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned—Jake is gonna bring some peeps down with him!
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Watch Jake’s Swan Song:
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