It’s a mother’s worst nightmare: to have a 20-year-old partying, freeloading, directionless, lazy, disrespectful ingrate of a daughter. But that’s what Jacqueline was dealing with in the never-ending saga of her dysfunctional Ashley-poo on last night’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
Thankfully, though, the Frustrated Mama had parental reinforcements in hubby Chris, as well as in Ashley’s biological father, Matt, and his wife, Jodi, who flew out from Texas to be part of an intervention of sorts, geared to light a fire under her mercurial donkey butt!
And we thought the Brattina’s obsession with slouchy boho beanies and Staub-goblin weave-pulling antics were bad enough….
Watch Ashley’s Intervention:
Ash Wishes She Could Be a California Girl
“I want to be able to just be…fresh start, away from toxic people,” Ashley mutters as she tosses out the idea of moving to Cali and putzes around on her laptop (that she didn’t pay for).
The Brunch From Hell
The next day, as the two married couples wait for her to join them for brunch so they can lay down the law, Ashley’s daddy, Matt, tells them about a recent text he got from the Hellion, which read: “I’m going to California. Are you gonna pay for it or not?”
Rolling in late and “looking like Lindsay Lohan,” the Misguided Youngster sits in the middle of the couples and declares she wants to go to beauty school in California (and yes, she pretty much expects them to pay for it). Of course, nobody’s having it, and they all tell her she’ll have to work for her dreams. The word “work” doesn’t compute with her, and she begins to have a tantrum.
“I’m so beyond sick of this,” she whines to the camera. “For them to shut me down so quickly…I think I’ve handled plenty so far.” (Her definition of “plenty” involves having worked one internship – which she was, by and large, late to many times – and working a part-time job.)
“What’d you get your parents for Christmas?” Matt asks his daughter. Knowing she gave Jacqueline and Chris zilch, she smirks out of embarrassment. “Just act like you give a sh*t about other people other than yourself,” he says calmly.
“I feel like you don’t respect me enough as a person—like I’m a big loser or something,” adds Jacqueline as she munches on some scrumdiddlyumptious fries to fill her appetite before she goes postal on her Mini-Me.
“I’m 20, and I don’t have a kid,” jabs Ashley. Oh. No. She. Di-in’t.
“So am I a piece of s*it because I had a kid at 20?” asks Jacqueline. “Guess what? That gave me responsibility. At 20 I was way more responsible than you!”
“You’re missing my entire point,” says Ashley rolling her eyes, as she secretly prays her mom doesn’t smack her 80s vintage hat off her head.
“You live in my house, and you don’t do a goddamn thing!” screams Jacqueline. “You don’t do one thing for me—one thing! So if I ask you to do something, it shouldn’t be a chore for you to do it! You should want to do it to help me because we’re helping you. Get it?!”
Ashley puts her hands over her face, and we begin to admire her lovely manicure that once again, homegirl didn’t pay for. She starts laughing and crying simultaneously. “You don’t stop, and you wonder where I get it from!” she exclaims to her mom.
“You need to get that chip off your shoulder,” her pappy Matt warns. “I don’t get your attitude toward your mom.”
‘Get Outta My House!’
“She’s the most disrespectful brat I’ve ever seen in my life,” Jacqueline asserts. “You continue to treat me like a piece of sh*t! You know what? Why don’t you get out of my house? I don’t need to be living with someone who feels that way about me!” Mama Drama storms off from the table and sobs uncontrollably in a backroom. Chris’ eyes glaze over in frustration, and he slowly begins to fantasize about reclaiming that phat Jeep he bought for his Wayward Stepchild and zipping around Jersey in it.
“[My mother] throws in my face the sacrifices she’s made for me, but the second she decided to keep me as her child and not put me up for adoption was the second she chose to have that responsibility,” Ashley declares to the camera, reaffirming how much we’d like to bop her upside the head and chop her guidette jungle mane off. She concludes: “I don’t think any of that should be held against me.”
As Jacqueline contemplates giving her daughter a lobotomy or shipping her off to Africa, Matt-Daddy tells it to her straight. “You need to know when to shut the hell up,” he advises his daughter. “I don’t put up with that sh*t, and you shouldn’t do that with your mom.”
Parents, pop some Advil, the Ashley woes are to be continued…
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