Three hours, people. The season premiere of “Bachelor Pad” was three flippin’ hours, which really only meant two things to me: 1) The Fakey Jakey-Vienna Sausage-Kasey Kermit soap opera was going to be played out to death, and 2) My cheeks down south were probably going to go numb unless I took drastic measures between commercial breaks to perform Jillian Michaels-worthy squats and toss in some Kegel exercises for good measure.
So was the three-hour sacrifice worth it, you ask? I think so. Considering you’re dealing with 18 rejected, familiar, and mostly controversial characters vying for $250K and the possibility of seeing them exchange different species of crabs—the 180 minutes flew by.
Watch the Season 2 Premiere of “The Bachelor Pad” Now:
But let’s go back to why there was even a third hour tacked on to this cray-cray spin-off. The biggest head-scratcher of the night wasn’t the contestants’ game strategy or the newly formed hook-ups in the house—it was who the heck did you believe and side with the most—Jake (a.k.a. The Fame Whore) or Vienna (a.k.a. The Cry Baby Googly-Eyed Manipulator)?
Check out the dysfunctional duo’s antics below:
The Last Man Entereth
“That man is a monster,” declares Vienna emphatically about Jake.
As tensions rise between Holly and Michael, Vienna and Gia, Michelle and Jackie, and Rated R and his Facebook page, everyone forgets their issues for a screeching moment when the biggest issue saunters through the door: Mr. Howdy Doody himself—Jake “Stop Interrupting Me” Pavelka!
He smiles with all the charm and humility he can muster, but the room turns uncomfortably silent. Undeterred, Jake shakes hands with everyone and offers his congratulations to Kasey, whose face turns beet red with rage and jealousy! Oh, the Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart radar is on like Donkey Kong!
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Dressed in a salamander-colored dress from Burlington Coat Factory and donning He-Man hair, Vienna is stunned and defensive when she sees her ex-lover boy walking out to greet her amid a group of other contestants. He tells her she looks nice. The group turns mute. Not knowing what to say and wanting to break the ice, Jake contemplates on letting a big one rip but then decides he better resort to talking about the weather.
“I need to pursue this Vienna thing above the $250K,” he admits later to his only ally, Gia. Miss Rubber Lips tells him that if wants to start making amends, he should start with Kasey. Going along with her advice, the Pilot takes the angry boy toy aside and reassures him that he only wishes the very best for him and Vienna. With his extra 30 lbs. of lean muscle spazzing out in “fight mode,” the long-lost Backstreet Boy confides to Jake that he’s heard only terrible things about him. Although the two end up shaking hands, Kermit clings to his hatred for the Texan. “He will go home tomorrow,” he says, thankfully, this time without subtitles.
Hanging By a String Girl
For the first challenge, which delish host Chris Harrison calls “The Hook Up,” everyone pairs up as a couple. The dudes (and their poor vulnerable packages) are strapped to a harness 10 feet above makeshift beds, and the gals must hold onto them like baby monkeys. The last couple suspended in the air wins immunity and a cheeseball date! Yippie! Let the games begin!
As the minutes tick away, we watch and wince as the ladies’ hammer toes begin to curl in pain, and the guys’ dangly parts begin to fall into a coma. At the 20-minute mark, Ames’ intelligent feet begin to go numb and prickly, and so to try to go out with a bang, partner Michelle decides to let her veiny mammaries bulge as she hangs upside down. Chris Harrison’s eyes widen with delight at such an utterific sight!
Watch the Third Hour of “The Bachelor Pad” Premiere:
With badonka donks shaking and tensing for dear life, partners start to drop like flies—until only two couples remain! Team Kasey and Vienna vs. Team Jakey and Jackie! Who else?! The pairs stare at each other with contorted faces as they writhe in pain. Jake’s luscious Chuck Norris foot turns purple as he holds back the urge to vomit, while Kasey’s whole body gets redder than a beefsteak tomato! Although Mr. Subtitles tries to win this for the honor of his Floridian Jungle Girl, the closer he gets to his beloved’s face, the more he gets nauseous! In the end, though, Jake and Jackie win immunity. But wait! There’s more! Chris Harrison tells them they also have the power to give a third rose out and save one more person from the chopping block. Booyah!
“The game has now changed!” Mr. Triumphant exclaims. “Jake the Bachelor is back!”
The Blame Game
With a full-on wedgie, Vienna storms off into the hot tub, where her Emo Lover sits, dramatically staring past the iron rails as if posing for a music video. “I was kinda expecting a little bit more from you,” she whines. “Don’t rub it in my face,” he shoots back. “I did everything I could for you. I’m sorry I let you down,” he says as he hums a NKOTB tune. She looks at him in disgust.
The next morning, Vienna—newly dressed in a pair of heinous Uggs made out of chihuahua fur—decides to give her man the cold shoulder, but he isn’t having any of it. “It sucks for me cause I’m having to do a double work load because you’re out there flirting with the guys,” he says. Angry that he’s not catering to her every juvenile emotion, Vienna retorts, “Don’t tell me I’m flirting with the guys because I’m gonna get mad!” Seconds later, she breaks out into sobs and blames him for making her feel bad. Suddenly, Kasey’s Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart tattoo pulsates like a first responder, and he decides to comfort his beloved Muppet Face—even forgiving her medieval prince hair cut.
“I need to make sure Kasey realizes he’s here for ME—not for himself,” Miss Googly Eyes states to the camera.
The Most Platonic Date Ever
While the various contestants strategize and back stab each other, Jake and Jackie go on their unromantic date. As they walk down Hollywood Boulevard, a little girl begins to cry in awe of the toothy Texan. Jake hugs her and let’s her mother take pictures, as Jackie looks on with fondness. As the Brunette walks ahead of him to get to their dinner destination, Jake slips the little girl a $20 and whispers, “Thanks.”
Later, as the duo munch on sushi rolls, the Sometimes Actor opens up about his heartbreak over his Vienna Sausage and how she sold their story to a tabloid for some major Benjamins.
“There needs to be one final conversation,” he says about wanting to make amends with Vienna. Jackie suggests that maybe Jake should give the third rose to his ex as a peace offering. He wipes his forehead in distress and looks at her if she got mercury poisoning from the tuna rolls.
It’s Not All Roses
After much deliberation and against the advice of Gia and Rated R, Jake decides to give Vienna the rose in front of the entire house. Tears well up in the Blond’s normal and lazy eye, as Gia looks on feeling completely betrayed.
Jake takes Vienna and Kasey aside and does his best to show his truest intentions. “Believe me, I never pictured giving you another rose ever in my life,” he says to Vienna, while her current lover looks stunned, as if he just churned out a bad case of mud butt.
Jake continues: “Vienna, I’m sorry that I raised my voice to you. I was losing you and not ready to accept what was going on.” Later, he cries on camera, feeling a catharsis over what just happened.
Unfortunately, Vienna isn’t buying what Jake’s selling, and she turns up the nasty ‘tude full force. “To sit down and have Jake apologize, the best way I can put it is torture. It literally made me sick…are you kidding me?” she says to the camera as she proceeds to call him “a phony robot” and “monster.”
To shake off his quiet but growing attraction to Jake, Kasey slobbers on the closest thing that looks like a man: Vienna. They strip down into their birthday suits and practice making babies.
Who to Trust?
Although the voting procedure is girls against guys, the newly formed alliances, which are Gia’s Team (Justin, Jake, Jackie, Ames) vs. Vienna’s Team (Kasey, Michelle, Graham, William, Kirk, Michael), complicate the matter. Throw the two-faced Rated R into the mix, and it’s anybody’s game!
After much back and forth, the teams end up giving the boot to the two peeps they feel are the most unreliable: Ali the Linebacker and Rated R the Crook.
Although Ali quietly leaves in tears, Rated R exits with the theatrics of a WWE character. Angry that he waited a whole year to be a jackhole again on national TV, only to be the first guy booted off, the faux wrestler pushes away the guys who try to hug him goodbye. After dissing Kasey for not guarding and protecting Vienna’s heart from immunity, he grabs a rose on the way out. “I’m walking out with a rose, one way or another!” he screams.
Highlights From This Season
Fantasy suites! Holly exchanges saliva with Blake! Michael still wants Holly’s saliva! Blake wants every girl’s saliva! Melissa the Emaciated flips out! Vienna screams at Kasey! Kasey calls Vienna the biggest fame whore!
And for one final encore, the Mask Man appears at the end of the credits and leaves his parting gift in one of the johns!
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