Monday night’s final 90-minute installment of the “Real Housewives of New York City” reunion was just another hotbed of rich ladies gone certifiable. The Brunettes and Blondes found no common ground to foster civility—not even on Louis Vuitton shoes! Of course, the gal who got ganged up on the most was poor Supermodel McCord. Don’t hate her because she’s beautiful, people.
The ladies fought about everything under the sun—from drinking to effeminate tweeting hubbies to toe porn! Thankfully, amid all of the vicious negative energy, there was some comic relief via Ramona Coaster, who kept flailing her arms as if in postmodern dance, laughing at things that weren’t meant to be funny, and sliding off the couch like a kindie-gartner.
Check out the highlights of the lowlights right here:
Music Vid vs Toe Canoodling—Which Is More Embarrassing? Playing with fire, Ramona tells the vicious pack that her daughter Avery vehemently disapproved of her being a part of LuLu Bell’s second music video because the first one was too cougarlicious. At hearing this, the Countess scrunches up her face with frustration and asks Ramotional: “She’s not embarrassed by her father getting a massage on national television?” Her Highness also points out the couple’s embarrassing toe jam session. To get under Ramona’s skin, Jill grabs Kelly’s giant foot and reenacts the scene in an orgasmic sorta way. (Jill, get sanitizer quick!) Ramona smiles gleefully as she watches their antics with a plan to cut off their big toes after the show.
Some Girls Never Change. Has Jill changed from being the gossipy, backstabbing pre-adolescent clown from seasons prior to a rehabilitated dignified adult? That was the question (that we already knew the freakin’ answer to). As the montage of clips rolls, we watch the Lawwng Islander talking smack about Alex’s plebian status on the societal scale, whispering that Cindy is practically a granny to her toddler twins, and preaching on how Sonja ought to handle her bankruptcy—all interlaced with self-proclamations of being a new and very nice person! “No one can change 100%, but I’m honest, caring, and I’m loyal,” the redhead defends. “If I say things to be blunt, sometimes that’s just the way I am. But I don’t do it with a mean intention.” She continues saying that the difference between her and Ramona is that the latter deliberately tries to hurt people. As for her elitist comment toward Alex’s social climbing, she quickly apologizes, but the Supermodel is having none of it! “If I were trying to socialize above myself, I would stay the hell away from all of you because you’re a liability!” the blonde shouts as fuchsia lipstick stains her choppers. In comes the second drug accusation of the reunion from fourth grade Kelly: “Excuse me, Miss McCord, are you smoking craaack?!” the Skyscraper screams. Ignoring Kelly, Andy high-fives the Brooklyn mom via his gleaming eyeballs.
Take a Drink—Take Ten. Although the ladies and viewers alike tell Ramona she’s got Pinot problems spewing from her Botox’d pores, she scoffs it off and hides her shakes. After Andy reads an excerpt from Jill’s blog about her frenemy’s need to be inebriated in social settings, the Blonde gets personal. “You know what Jill, I really respect you, I think you’re a fabulous woman,” she lies. “I know at times you had problems—you went to AA—you had an alcoholic problem. Just because you did, doesn’t mean I do,” she says. Jill looks at her as if she’s gone bananas. “I’ve never had a drink my whole life,” Miss Bangs defends. Fed up with the ongoing alcoholic accusations, Ramona gets theatrical—off-Broadway style! “If I’m a functioning alcoholic, may I do it for the next 50 years cause thank you, God! I’ve never been happier! Thank you! I love it! I love it!” she exclaims kissing the sky and outstretching her arms.
Simon Says (Too Much). Jill tells Vampire Teeth McCord she doesn’t like her hubby’s propensity to meddle in her affairs, his cyber bullying, and especially his “Watch out!” threat to her at Cindy’s va-jay-jay launch party. LuLu adds that the whole “C U Next Tuesday” comment to her was startlingly uncouth. With defensive guppy eyes, mouth agape, and nostrils flaring, the Supermodel lashes out that they all had it coming! (Behind the stage curtain, Simonette cheers his Beard on as he gets his nails done.)
A Class Act. Offended by LuAnn’s Herman Muenster shoes comment, Alex slams the hypocritical She-Man with all her might: “You’re being obnoxious by speaking over me! This is what you do all the time! You need to take a chapter out of your own book and be quiet and let people speak! Don’t hold yourself as the person who schools everybody else when you can’t follow your own lessons!” The Brunette’s neck thickens with Hulk rage, and she immediately retaliates by continuing her tirade on Alex’s fuglified shoes as well as her S&M dress. (Kelly the Court Jester jumps in to help the Queen.) “Do you take any responsibility?” Andy asks LuAnn about her veil of arrogance. “If it seems to be condescending, that’s not where I’m coming from,” she says.
Thug You! After seeing the barrage of insults Miss Elegance threw onto Alex throughout the season, the latter announces she’s completely right for calling her “a thug in a cocktail dress.” In fact, the Blonde says, she’s made ‘A-Thug-in-a-Cocktail-Dress’ t-shirts and plans on giving LuAnn two! Ramona cackles and claps with delight because Nerdie Lady successfully makes a funny!
Henna Hallucinations. Once Andy mentions the estrogen-overload Moroccan adventure, the squawking goes ballistic, and like always, Alex finds herself in the thick of it. Explaining why she allowed Kelly to control her blotch-filled breakdown after she ruined the henna tattoo session, the Blond confesses she didn’t want her tall frenemy to have a “St. John’s meltdown” and self-medicate by pummeling jellybeans in her mouth. “You’re weird! You’re not a nice person!” Kelly concludes to Alex. Suddenly, Ramona breaks the mood by standing up, pulling her dress sky high, and delivering a baby furiously rubbing her thighs. Apparently, Pinot overload brings on the itchies.
That’s it, ladies! Thanks for enduring this Pinot Polar, bankruptcy-filled, face-juicing, Chic C’est La Vie, camel bopping ride with me! If you’d like to keep following my musings, please feel free to “like” my new Facebook page!