Part Uno of the “Real Housewives of New York City” reunion was simply bonkers—a full-on Battle of Menopausal Nasty-Cakes. The ladies brought on their most un-lady like A-game to the table, and drove host Andy Cohen so crazy with their screaming and talking over each other that he literally had to tell them to shut their flippin’ pie holes! What the heck were the gals thinking trying to play with a gay man’s inner diva?
During the 90-minute high-octane verbal diarrhea fest, we were tortured with Alex’s continual constipated expressions of distress (the fuchsia color lipstick didn’t help, either) and were also surprised at Cindy’s degree of vicious barking at everyone and anyone that made her feel low on the pecking order.
As for appearances, we applaud Jill Z. her for her new closely cropped haircut that makes her look like a bloodhound, LuAnn’s need to show the world that Alopecia has struck her eyelashes, and Ramona’s unbecoming 90s hair. But in all fairness, we actually really dug the cobalt blue heels on Kelly’s giant feet.
Supersized Drama for a Supersized Reunion:
With that, let’s get this nutty show on the road:
Splotching Isn’t Nice. Kelly tells Andy that when Alex breaks out into red splotches it’s tremendously offense. Why? Because Kelly claims she’s the nicest person in the whole wide world, and in fact, according to her, Cosmo rated her as one of the top five nicest celebrities! To her defense, Alex (and her foot-long cleavage) tells Miss Jelly Belly she never gets to speak her mind completely and that her splotching pops up when she doesn’t want to be attacked. “You think I’m inauthentic—if I could act this, I’d have an Academy Award!” howls the Supermodel. After a moment of silence, Kelly answers in her low-strung voice: “That’s not a good line.”
Emily Post, Set ‘Em Straight! After Jill spreads more rumors about the rumors that Ramona’s hubby Mario is swinging his naughty bits around the Upper East Side, she attacks both her and Alex for wearing cream at the Hamptons wedding. “I think it’s a lot ruder to call someone a f**king b*tch at the wedding than it is to wear cream,” Alex retorts. [Cue in the rude]: “By the way, you are a f**king b*tch,” slams Jill.
The Memory of Bethenny Lives On. Calling Jill out as a serial liar, Ramonational sets it to her straight by revealing the Lawwng Islander’s biggest fib: when she denied she tried to get the ladies not to film with Bethenny because she didn’t want to help boost the SkinnyGirl’s career. “You always lie, and then when you get caught, then you admit it!” the Blondie exclaims. Jill thumps back. “You were in the whole thing with me! You wanted us to never make up! [Ramona] was jealous of my relationship with Bethenny! You ambushed me!” she declares. Ramona looks at her frenemy with pity. “You don’t know what the difference is between TV and reality, and I feel sorry for you. You’re delusional!”
Andy Can’t Take It Anymore! “He’s a great man, and I’m very lucky,” says Ramona about hubby Mario. “I wish you had a great husband like mine cause I know you don’t. Get a life, Loser!” she says to Jill. “Lowww life,” the Red-Head retorts in her best high school comeback. Fed up and annoyed that he can’t get a word in, Andy brings on the sass. “Shut up! Shut-up!” he yelps. “You guys are acting like beasts today!”
The Vajonya and Ramonia. “Some people call [Sonja and Ramona] ridiculous; I call them Ramonia,” Andy says with a sparkly grin. When the discussion steers towards Sonja’s sometimes inappropriate attire, Kelly jumps in saying she was insulted and hurt by Miss Morgan flashing her “vajonya” at the toaster oven cookbook photo shoot. “You were hurt?” asks Andy amused. “Sonja, was your vagina rude to Kelly?” (I don’t know about you, but wasn’t Sonja’s cottage cheese butt incident more painful to the eyes?)
Ramona and LuAnn Go at It:
Does Cindy Need to Get Laid? Although Ramona and Cindy are still sorta friends, the ladies definitely don’t see eye-to-eye on Cindy’s bro Howie conjuring up the memory of Ramona Coaster’s recently deceased friend by way of smoking his cigars and supposedly wearing his clothes. (Howie’s dating the widow.) Returning to the uncomfortable Hamptons incident, Ramona throws out the first punch. “He was wearing a dead man’s suit to the wedding!” she screams. Cindy defends her bro. “You are on crack,” she says. When Alex tries to nudge her way into the battle, the Downtown Gal tells her to shut her trap. “Well, you just lighten up!” Alex shoots back. “Maybe you need to get laid, seriously!” The Blond begins to give off her usual dorkified laugh because she thinks she’s made a funny, but Cindy goes right back at her and imitates her giggly heaving. “What are you, a lap dog?!” she asks maliciously.
The Anti-Breakfast Club. Long story short, Cindy says Sonja knew that she’d be making a business call during her breakfast date with her, but Sonja flatly denies being informed. After some back-and-forth squawking that apparently makes Cindy feel she’s being crapped on by elitists, the Brunette shoots up out of her seat and screeches, “Don’t tell me what to dooo!” Because Alex wants another chance at being degraded, she screams her way into the fight and says that Cindy’s actions were pathetic. “I designed a whole store while we were filming—you never saw me get in the way of that!” the Blond says. But because Cindy’s veneers are popping off from anger, Kelly tag teams and takes on the McCord for her. “You designed a whole store, and you have the same business as Cindy?! Are you highhh?!!” the Giant retorts. The Brunettes cackle with delight. “Oh my lord, this is exhausting,” Andy sighs.
The Blows Get Low. To end Part One of the reunion, Ramona goes off on LuAnna’s “weekend mom” status and recent divorce to the Count. “LuAnn is very condescending, and she always makes it [that] her life is perfect. And now that she is divorced, we can talk about the fact that she had a very open marriage…and for you to insinuate my marriage isn’t good,” Ramona says. While the Countess vehemently denies she’s ever said anything negative about Mario’s possible unfaithful canoodling, Ramona takes it the lowest of the low and brings up LuLu’s daughter as a critique of the latter’s “barely-there” parental status. “Why has your daughter transferred four times in four years?!” Miss Pinot Polar asks. Irate that the kids are being dragged into the ruckus, Jill flips out: “Leave LuAnn alone! Leave her children alone—or you’re gonna to deal with meee!” Ramona blinks with curiosity as if she’s just seen an infuriated muppet with 70s hair.
The second 90-minute installment of the “Real Housewives of New York City” explodes on Bravo on Sunday, August 1 at 10pm EST.