The “Bachelorette” embarked on a Fiji adventure that should be described as dramatic and unpredictable considering a few circumstances—a mystery man returned, someone bounced voluntarily, and Ashley got some Action Jackson twice-over in the fantasy suite. However, was it just me or was President Obama’s speech on the debt-ceiling craptastrophe a helluva lot more heart pounding?
Regardless, we got the message loud and clear from both Ashley-Boo and the President: Two must become one to get anything done! Yippie!
Although we have yet to know if American civilization will meet its doom and we’ll be eaten alive by China and India, what we do know is how Miss Shorty turned things around in her favor, so let’s just focus on those dang highlights:
Mystery Man Beams Into Fiji
As Ash adjusts her Playtex 18-hour bra straps in preparation with her date with Benji, she hears a knock! knock! It’s crazy smiley solar boy Ryan P.! Shaking with nervous delight and piggie snorting his way into her room, he tells her he’s returned because he wants a second chance!
“If you regretted anything—if you thought about me at all—I want to spend more time with you so bad! Call me crazy, but when I stepped out in the limo for the first time, there was something there!” he exclaims, hiding the cuts on his arms.
Before she can say an unequivocal “no,” he tells her to think things through and then zips out the door to down a bottle of Robitussin.
Watch Part One:
Tanning With Titillation
To look fresh for his date with Ashby, Ben F. gets a local to cut his hair via machete. He greets her, and the lovebirds go on a fancy yacht. He strips down into his fluorescent swimming trunks he bought at Target with the help of his mom, and Ash straddles him like an animal, rubbing Ban de Soleil on his grizzly bear chest. They giggle and exchange flirtations in a manner that indicates they were most likely rejects in high school.
To cool off, the duo dive into the clear waters and snorkel to their hearts’ content. They see tropical fish, coral, and the entire cast of “Cocoon”…
At dinner Ben wears a sheer V-neck long sleeve that manages to make him look both masculine and girly at the same time. Speaking in such a polite and pleasant manner as if taking cues from painter Bob Ross, he marvels at how wonderful their romantic adventures have been thus far. “What else would have to happen?” asks Ash.
“I think one of us would have to come forward and have to fully commit and say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he replies. “My feelings are on my way to that whole ‘I love you thing,’ ” he continues as his neck veins pop out with anxiety. But before that whole ‘I love you thing,’ The Miniature Adult wants to get some yummy time with Benbo and pulls out the invitation that asks him to meet her nether regions—the fantasy suite card! He accepts. She shows him the room that has a sexy view of the pool, so they can fantasize about being two sea lions copulating in dark blue waters. Suddenly, a bulging of sorts occurs, but we will not speak of the location, you dirty-minded ones!
He’s Just Not That Into Her
After being gently shagged by Ben F., Ashley happily runs off to Constantine and surprises him with a helicopter ride! As they zing off into the air, the camera pans down to a beaming figure—it’s Ryan P. down below! Although he considers holding a radio above his head and serenading Ash with Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes,” instead, he defers to calming his nerves by groping algae and counting rocks…
Meanwhile, Constantine is having the time of his life, and thankfully for her, Ashley gets to play a minor role in it! They doggie paddle around a gushing waterfall and eat coconuts on the shore. However, Ash lays down the law and says she learned on the hometown dates that the way he takes forever making important decisions is a reflection of how slow their relationship is going. He smiles at her, but his eyes dreamily drift off to the excitement of the waterfall and how the waves tickle his family jewels.
“Constantine needs a lot more time, and it’s something we just don’t have and that makes me nervous,” Ashen Face confesses to the camera.
At dinner she asks if the Greek God has ever been overcome with emotion because she’s getting tired of his half-arsed response to her. He tells her that loving, kissing, and hugging come naturally but that it’s just not working right now. To add more salt to the wound, he says in an ideal situation, he’d be head over heels with the woman of his choosing. “I don’t have that yet,” he finally concludes. Out of respect, he says…
And now we interrupt this program for President Obama’s national address about the dramatic stalemate of the debt talks and our consideration of moving to China…
“This means the end of the road for me,” Constantine is finally able to say. Ashley-kins says she’s glad he’s honest, but deep down in her secret place, she’s terribly sad. She was really looking forward to her piper getting paid. “What if I end up all alone and all of this was for nothing?” she ponders, as she tosses her diaphragm into the crashing waves.
Watch Part Two:
She’s Just Not That Into Him
After feeling completely rejected, Ash offers the negative energy to Ryan P. “Saying goodbye to you was the hardest goodbye I had,” she confides. However, she tells him she knows she made the right decision because she just wasn’t feeling any passion. Ryan P. frowns but gracefully takes a bow for the second time. Trying to look at the bright side on finding love, he tells the camera in “Rain Man”-like fashion: “It’ll happen, it’ll happen, it’ll happen, it’ll happen.” He rocks back and forth and starts talking to himself enthusiastically.
It’s Not a Competition
For her date with J.P., Ash takes him on a sea plane! He’s so amazed that the tips of his inner eyebrows go parallel north and remain there for the entire day. They land on their own private island and wade in the water, allowing starfish to suck on their big toes as they chit chat and embrace.
In the evening, the two have dinner in the middle of a jungle. Mr. Clean admits he has a hard time imagining her having feelings for the other guys. To tune him into the latest, Ash tells him that she had to say goodbye to Constantine and that a mystery man returned!
“Did you think Bentley came back?” she asks with laughter. “Yeah!” he joyfully responds and blinking without an eyelash in sight.
Before she hands him the fantasy suite card, she tells him to remember that it’s not a competition and not to hold back. He concurs but still doesn’t have the chutzpah to tell her that he loves her.
After he agrees to pump the pasties with her, she leads him into the boom! boom! room, and they suck each other’s teeth off. She saunters into the bathroom and moments later, emerges wearing black lingerie under a white dress shirt that Chris Harrison personally ironed for her. They do the deed that is dirty beyond description, and there will be no more discussion of it, you lewd weasels!
Faux Rose Ceremony
Because she wants to make sure they don’t pull “a Constantine,” Ash conducts a rose ceremony with the only two dudes who were ever truly into her. No big shocker: Ben and his hair say yes, as do J.P. and his heinous jungle flip flops.
Highlights From Next Episode
Ben F. and J.P. meet Ashley’s family and ruthless Goth sister!
Be sure to check out “The Men Tell All” this Sunday night (July 31) at 9pm EST.