Oh, Twitterverse! How you try rich socialites’ souls! (Well, at least when you’re in the hands of displaced House-queen Simon McCord.)
On Thursday night’s “Real Housewives of NYC,” Jill, LuAnn, and Kelly drove themselves into hot flashes when they slammed Alex’s hubby’s purported “cyber-bullying” (a.k.a. “mean-tweeting”) of them.
Check out how Mr. Eye Bags created estrogen mayhem with 140 characters or less:
I Got a Bone to Pick With You, Biatch
Deprived of his cancer sticks and angry no man has volunteered to vajewel his naughty bits at Cindy’s bikini wax party, Simon saunters over and tells Jill they need to talk—over lunch. Why? Because Mr. Freckles is still ticked about her past treatment of his beloved beard, Alex.
Right after they agree to get together, Kelly grabs Jill and embarks on a scream-spitting tirade on why the heck a married man would ask a married woman out to lunch! Influenced by Kelly’s freaky reaction, the red-head scurries over to Simonette and says the lunch date is off.
“Watch out!” says Simon, as a “hashtag” flashes mischievously before his eyes.
When Kelly hears what she considers his Twitter “cyber-bullying” threat to Jill, she aggressively marches over to him to get him to talk things out with the Lawwng Islander. Turned off by her Steven Tyler-like choppers in his grill, he looks at her wickedly and says he’ll have some special tweets for her bony arse real soon. #Ruh-roh. (Kelly’s head spins with anxiety, flooded with the images of tye-dye jellybeans.) She gallops off like a rabid animal to LuAnn and Jill, ranting about how Simon plans to “mean-tweet” her.
“What man has time to cyber-bully another woman?!” Kelly later exclaims at Jill’s house, adding her favorite words “weird!” and “odd!” to describe him. (Girlfriend’s major flaw is that she assumes Simon’s the opposite gender.)
Ladies Who Lunch: An Appetite for Destruction
Tall Order of Voodoo
In order to practice the art of making other people feel more psychotic than she is, Kelly invites Alex to lunch to test out her skills. Before the squinty-eyed blond can make her signature “O” shape to her mouth, the Queen of Anti- Mean-Tweeting and Systematical Bullying ignites into her monologue:
“We’re all concerned,” she starts out, referring to Simon’s Mean Girl ways. “It really hurts my feelings…it’s odd. I don’t want to fight with you.” [Alex tries to speak; Kelly stops her after one syllable.]
“I don’t really want to discuss this anymore,” shouts the bi-polar Jolly Green Giant, as her happy circuit malfunctions. “I’m always sticking up for youuu!”
“You have no idea who I am, and I don’t think you have any desire to know who I am,” calmly states Alex. “That’s a passive aggressive thing to do, when you say you want to ‘check in.’ You are railroading over me with what you think is wrong with me…” [She starts blotching.]
At the sight of Alex’s outbreak, Kelly’s stress hormones go into overdrive, and she immediately cuts off the Brooklynite. “Can you stop being red? It’s bothering me now,” she says, as she tries to think of something happy—like the pancake she plans on eating—to keep her teeth from exploding onto the table.
“Then stop attacking me,” interjects Alex.
“I’m gonna let you get iced out, you’re gonna ice yourself out,” vindictively remarks the Crazy One.
Come on now, Alex! First, you let the Countess threaten you and now tween-monger Kelly? Where’s your inner-Simon inner-diva at?!
Attention, Ladies: The Countess Is Speaking!!!