Part deux of the “The Real Housewives of Orange County” reunion was an assault on the human anatomy of the most degrading kind! There were visuals of bloated saline twins and inflated lips, angry discussions of Vicki’s bleeding badonka donk, and The Slade-meister’s accusations of Tamra doing porn videos and BJs! Ahhh—make them stop, mommy!
Let’s get this freak show started before Tamra keeps erroneously saying “cyst and deceased letter” (instead of cease and desist letter) one more flippin’ time!
Single White (Depressed) Female. As Andy Cohen rolled the montage of Alexis needing to compete and one-up Peggy on everything—from potty training her kiddies to whose got the better hubby to even their ballooned lips—suddenly, the tall blond admitted she suffers from postpartum, too! “It’s a competition!” exclaimed a flabbergasted Tamra, who spoke up for an exhausted Pegs. Needless to say, according to the Original Postpartum-er, Alexis refused to vet for her to be on the show.
“Real Housewives” Full Episode: “It’s Not a Competition!”
Love Is Blind (And Apparently Pretty Dumb). On the case of Jimbo demanding Peggy to keep her mouth shut about their romantic past, Alexis claimed she doesn’t care about what happened 15 years ago, and besides, it was Peggy’s fault for not telling her.
“So isn’t your husband lying if he’s telling [Peggy] ‘Don’t tell [Alexis] [about our past relationship]? Do you see what I’m saying?” asked Andy, hoping to get a rational thought injected into Alexis’ brontosaurus brain.
“No, no, no, no,” Alexis denied. “It’s not Jim’s responsibility. Your loyalty is to me,” she said to Peggy. “It’s not my place, sweetie,” the elder blond condescendingly retorted. After an awkward silence (as if someone passed gas and nobody wanted to acknowledge it), Andy solemnly proceeded. “Well, I hope the two of you can find some peace,” he declared, knowing full-well that their situation was simply hilarious BS.
This Season’s Mean Girl? “I just decided I was going to speak my mind,” resolved Gretchy Gretch about this season—considering she felt Vicki and Tamra pooped on her and Slade’s reputation for way too long. Speaking of where #2 comes from, Vicki confronted Gretch about her nasty comments that undermined her bleeding bootie problems.
Like an adolescent, Gretchen shot back a tit-for-tat about how Vicki didn’t even bother to come to her former fiance Jeff’s deathbed. “If someone’s dying in my family, the last thing I’m gonna do is a TV show! You screwed up!” screamed Vicki. “You shoulda left if your marriage was a priority,” retorted the crimped-haired blond. “HE WAS DYING!!!” Vicki exploded in rage, bringing it back to Jeff. “I did it for Jeff,” Gretchen said with steely eyeballs.
Everybody’s In Everbody’s Bin-ness. Before going off on his Tamra tirade, Slade asserted he loves his beloved Gretch so much that he’d get out of her way so she could move on to spend another man’s money. Awww. Once that tender moment was over, Slade threw himself into attacking his nemesis, angrily exclaiming to stay out of his business and that in fact he “pays child support every single month”!
To drive him more insane, the Evil Eye nonchalantly countered she had chatted with his ex and that his ex confirmed he was a deadbeat dad. “Such an idiot,” slammed Slade. “And you’re so brilliant, and that’s why you can’t get a job,” sassed Tamra. Ouchie….
Because Alexis wanted to remind everyone she existed, she added that Tamra didn’t work that much to support her kids, either. “I didn’t need any more money,” Tamra answered smartly. “Yeah, because you’re so busy sucking off everyone else,” Slade shot back. [Cue Dragon Lady response]: “You’re the lowest form of sh-t in the world,” Tamra shrieked, as she left the set to call Slade’s ex and suck her thumb. “Stop talking out of your a– about everybody’s life—stop it!” bellowed Gretchen, angrily searching for one her signature QVC handbags to bob her frenemy upside the head with.
Billy Ray Cyrus’ 80s Hair Has a Female Spokesmodel. Before Jeana Keough and her heinous mullet got into it with Tamra, she let the world know that she’s got a new man who’s already shacking up with her, even though she’s still married. After everyone picked their contoured jaws off the floor, the only brunette in the house jumped back in the fighting ring and stated that Tamra was horrible for her behavior at Vicki’s party. “It’s hard to be around someone that can look you in the eye and say you’re lying,” sobbed Jeana. “She was a big part in helping destroy my relationship with Victoria (Vicki).” To make her feel worse, Vicki reaffirmed to her neighbor that she’d always keep a vial of Tamra’s blood in her Gucci purse as a symbol of her loyalty but admitted it was hard to watch Jeana pour out crocodile tears.
Gotcha, Biatch! As the ladies rolled out their final thoughts on the season, Alexis suddenly interjected that she got a text from her weak-chinned hubby.“Peggy stalked me and broke into my house,” read aloud a vindictive Alexis. “If he wants to comment…he should have the balls enough to me come here and do it himself,” Peggy calmly responded. And with that, the younger blubber-lipped blond stared vacantly into her frenemy’s eyes—completely dumbfounded.
Until next time, “OC” Viewers, I bid you adieu! Get your Evil Eye tank top while they last!