On last night’s “Bachelorette,” Ashley and her 12 remaining homeboys were flown to the other side of the world—Phuket, Thailand! So you’d think being in such a breathtaking, exotic locale, the gal would be in major Zen mode, right? Of course, not! Not when she’s still demon possessed by Bentley. Aside from every other word being “Bentley,” Ash brought on a harder exterior and turned her insecurity switch way up, which left the guys vying for emotional scraps.
Before I finish my mango sticky rice, let’s get these highlights going…
Although Ashley had plans to take Constantine out on a boat so he could help her look for Bentley backstroking in the deep blue sea, her plans are thwarted by the rain. Oh well. The two resort to Plan B and take a stroll into the city, where it looks like the locals decided to flee from the cameras. After walking the barren streets for hours, they finally come across an old man wearing a wedding band and ask him what the secret to lasting love is. Ash snaps her fingers with haste, and suddenly, a teenage Thai translator appears! Although the old man asks the two to give him money for some new teeth, the translator ignores his request and instead, tells the inquiring couple that the key to a long relationship is to forgive and forget and not to try to win. A few minutes later, she’s seen getting paid by an ABC producer.
At dinner, Ash and the Josh Groban/Ryan Gosling look-alike talk about past relationships and stare at each other’s flat humidified hair. Because she still fears that none of the guys are really that into her, Ash questions Constantine’s feelings. Because he wants to kick it in Thailand as long as possible, he looks deeply into her mistrustful eyeballs and says he wants to pursue their budding relationship. She gives him the rose, and he piggybacks her into the black sea to celebrate. Night crabs latch onto their big toes, and oh, how Ash wishes they were Bentley’s teeth! It hurts so good!
Watch Part One:
No Flirting, Just Painting
Wearing an inappropriately skimpy number, Ashley brings Ben F, J.P., Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William, and Ryan to an orphanage for their group date. Their mission: To get in touch with their inner Oprah and renovate the place for the kids! As the guys paint, haul in large flower pots, and set up soccer nets, Ryan tries to call the shots, and they all begin to despise him. But thankfully, Ash doesn’t notice; the only thing she points out is that no one’s flirting with her.
She walks over and sees Ben F. romantically flaring his nostrils whilst painting an elephant onto one of the walls. Inspired by his sensitivity and creativity, she closes her eyes, picks up a paintbrush, and lets her heart lead. A minute later, she realizes she’s painting an image of Bentley’s boulder of a head! Nooo! Quickly, she starts over and creates a flower in place of his fluffy yellow hair.
Soon after, the Thai orphans run into their new digs with joy and touch everybody’s souls. Bursting with empathy, Chris Harrison decides to forgo any legal adoption process and stuffs one of the children into his backpack to take home with him.
At dinner time, after making out with Elephant Man (Ben F.) via really awkward face-sucking, Ashley decides to give him the rose.
Revenge of the Nerds
On yet another misty, rainy day, Ash decides to spend one-on-one time with Ames, whose forehead is as big as the space between his eyes is wide. They hop onto a boat, and to her delight, he tells her he’s been to Thailand twice before—once to climb some mountains, the other, to learn how to cook. That’s just how rich intellectual elitists roll. Just go with it.
They jump into a sea kayak and sail into a cave. Inspired by the sheer beauty that has reached his eyes (which are each located directly above his ears), Ames begins to make analogies about relationships and navigating through caves…[cue: sound of me puking]. The two dock and eat dragon fruit, which—if you’ve ever tasted it—you know has no flavor at all. No matter. Ash munches away, distracted by Ames’ charm and intelligence.
When dinner time rolls around, the two nerds walk into a hut surrounded by Off Citronella candles and bond over nerdy conversation. Naturally, Ames asks her deep mind-bending questions, and she’s pleasantly impressed with the chemistry they have. In true dorkdom spirit, however, Ames refuses to kiss her, but she gives him a rose anyway.
Watch Part Two:
Sunshine Attacked By Overcast Dudes
While Ashley talks to West and becomes more scared of him, Blake pulls Ryan aside and lets him know that nobody likes him. Why? Because, according to Mr. Dentist, he’s too intensely happy and it comes across as “disingenuous.” Shocked but laughing in disbelief, the Solar Guy walks away not knowing how to process such negativity.
“That’s freakin’ ridiculous,” he tells the camera. “You can’t handle the fact that I’m happy a lot?! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’m not grumpy!” When he gets time with Ashley, she’s even freaked out about how happy he is all the time. “I’m bursting with a lot of love in my chest,” he exclaims, as he tears open his dress shirt and reveals glowing Vitamin D-inducing UVB rays emanating from his torso.
Can’t Fill Them Shoes
In an attempt to be revolutionary, Ash decides she wants to be a thorough serial dater. So what does she do? She tells Chris she wants to kick off only one guy instead of two. But by doing this, she inadvertently makes the one roseless soul feel like the worst losah ever!
In the end, that losah ends up being cannonball-headed West. Guess Ash can’t deal with dudes with dark pasts.
Highlights From Next Episode:
Chiang Mai, Thailand! Real elephants! Thai dancers! Fire breathers! Thai kickboxing! Someone dressed in pink goes to the emergency room! BENTLEY RETURNS (to take advantage of the free trip to Asia)!