We all know that if I were in a League of Doom, its purpose would be to make sure that Gwyneth stayed far away from the “Glee” soundstage and that only legit belters were brought on as guest stars from now on.
But since I know a lot of you love her, I will take a note from Holly Holiday and spew forth no more ugliness about GP’s performance this week (except one teeny little note at the bottom of this column).
What I can say with a clean conscience is that Holly was back as the world’s spunkiest substitute teacher and also as Schue’s almost-girlfriend. And as usual, she was full of good advice. First she guided Schue to the realization that selling taffy wouldn’t get the glee club to the end of the block, let alone to NYC for Nationals. But more importantly, she helped him see that he’s still gaga for the freshly annulled Emma. So Holly and the Schue are splitsville.
Watch Tuesday Night’s Episode of “Glee” with Gwyneth Paltrow Now:
But Holly wasn’t the only familiar face to pop back into WMHS this week. You know that League of Doom I mentioned? Sue formed one with a mission to destroy New Directions. She enlisted Dustin Goolsby (Broadway baby Cheyenne Jackson), Sandy Ryerson (the hilarious Stephen Tobolowsky), and Terri Schuester (the all-but-forgotten Jessalyn Gilsig) to bring the glee kids down.
They weren’t what one might call “victorious,” but I wouldn’t count them out just yet. Even though he failed at breaking up Holly and Schue, Dustin still coaches “the winningest glee club in history,” so he’s an automatic threat.
Sandy may have given his medical mary jane money to a worthy cause in the end, but he was quite mean-spirited as the coach of the heckling club; that can’t stay bottled up forever. Plus, how could the wardrobe department be denied further use of that pink cape?
And Terri, like the honey badger, is just a wackadoo waiting to strike.
Charice was back as Sunshine Corazon, the girl with crazy pipes that Rachel had sent to a crack house in a fit of jealousy.
Now, I know I’m not the only Gleek who is also a Les Miz nerd, so can we just pause to reflect on Charice’s total Eponine moment when she performed her number? You know, “On My Own”… I mean, “All By Myself”? With her little jacket, tam hat, and sweepy bangs, Sunshine was sooo Lea Salonga circa 1995. Look it up.
Kurt and Blaine showed up as the only paying audience members for the fund-raiser show the glee club was putting on to help the academic decathlon team travel to nationals. Because the brainiacs happen to be four member of the glee club – Tina, Mike, Artie, and… Brittany. Anyway, Team Blurt was roaming the halls of WMHS when they bumped into none other than closet case Karofsky. He immediately began his heinous bully routine, but Santana stepped in with razorblades at the ready, and Karofsky fled the scene before he could be outed.
The musical numbers were all worked into the stage show this week, so it was basically one solo after another. Mike Chang’s performance to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes” got me pumped for the return of So You Think You Can Dance, but I hardly think he deserved more air time than Tina. At least Mercedes received plenty of time in the spotlight, even if she had to diva out to get it.
More moments worthy of the spotlight:
Best musical number – I was digging Tina’s sassy version of “I Follow Rivers” by Lykke Li. It’s too bad she got booed off the stage before we could hear more of it.
Runner up – Charice’s voice is bonkers, so obvs “All By Myself” rivaled even Celine’s take on the Eric Carmen classic.
Best Sueism – Did you hear that rousing speech where she rattled off the names of the League of Doom? Honey Badger, Sgt. Handsome, and The Pink Dagger for the win!
Best Brittany line – Of course Brittany is an expert in cat diseases. Of course she is.
Best set up for next week – I have a sneaking suspicion that this week’s scene with Karofsky was only the tip of the iceberg known as the 90-Minute Born-This-Way Epic-Episode-of-Epicness. I’m ready for the full on crash with it next week.
Moments that could have been neglected:
Worst musical number – GP is no Adele. Sorry.
Most tired storyline – Mercedes vs. Rachel for the Queen Diva Award. Amber Riley has got to be tired of saying the same things over and over again. Although if I could have my hands dried exclusively on puppy fluff, I’d probably go for it, too.
Possible Misnomer – “Sgt. Handsome” is cute, but “Captain Creepypants” might be more appropriate, given all the leg spreading and sperm talk from Dustin. It’s funny, but also… ew.