Last night’s “Jersey Shore” continued to torture us with the Sam and Ron ‘I-Love-You, I’ll-Kill-You’ Show.
Although gangrene began to set into our eyeballs, we had enough foresight to prepare the highlights down below:
Instead of going the traditional route of karate chopping each other with their ostrich egg-shaped calves, Sam and Ron attempt to argue in a semi-functional manner.
“I’m sorry I hit him up,” she calmly confesses to a hurt Ron. Feeling self-righteous—although fully aware of his past escapades with heiffer grenades—the Turtle Man gives her the cold shoulder.
“I don’t even know if I even love Sam at this point,” he says with disgust. “I’m just kind of Ewww about her.” Later that night, after getting high off of 100% Grade D beef from the butcher tables of the local A&P Supermarket, Ron takes Sam to bed, and they bonk the night away.
Meanwhile, Pauly D and the boys finally convince Vinny to get his ears pierced. Although we’d have liked to see him in bling’d-out chandelier earrings, he got gangsta studs instead and quickly transformed into a testosterony thug! He infuriates Snooki by jokingly treating her like she’s second-hand goods and battles with Sam, busting out lyrics like: “See my girl Sam / She’s the sneakiest girl you’ll ever meet!” Pauly’s created a monster, yo!
Finding an opportunity to stir up trouble (because he knows he’s gotta justify all the loot MTV’s been paying him), Mikey tattles to Ron’s plum drunk mom on the phone about the Sam-Arvin fiasco. She freaks out and tells Ron that Sam is full of crappola, which causes her embarrassed and infuriated son to hang up on her.
The Sitchie Sitch gathers as much power as his greasy face can hold and tries to get Ron stirred up by telling him there have been rumors about Sam and Arvin and that there’s definitely more to the story. Ron listens like an obedient amphibian and starts to turn green like a Hulk midget.
“You’re a sneaky b-tch,” says Sitch to an irate Sam, who charges into the boys’ convo to wake Ron up from all their brainwashing.
Feeling his power of persuasion working on Ron, Mikey calls up Arvin, and the fellow Gorilla Juice Head openly confesses he and Sam hung out during the summer and made out. Ron goes bananas and charges outside to roid out the shady girl, who’s already giving the scrunchy-constipated look of disdain to combat the blow torch that’s about to blast outta his pie hole. Oh, it’s on!