‘The Bachelor: Women Tell All’ Special: Michelle Suffers Epic Breakdown

by | March 8, 2011 at 8:26 AM | Recap, The Bachelor

Michelle Money on The Bachelor (ABC)

Michelle Money on The Bachelor (ABC)

Monday’s “Bachelor: Women Tell All” special was full of tears and unspeakable tan jobs! There was headache-inducing anger (mostly towards Maniacal Michelle), less closure, and unresolved questions that left gaping holes in the ladies’ embittered Grinch hearts. But one thing was for sure – no other host worked his hair like Chris Harrison last night. And for that, we worship him and his pomade forever more…

Watch the Girls Attack Michelle:

Check out the firestorm and the fire starters right here:

Of Mice and One She-Man
No one knew why the casting directors had made such an unconscionable decision to mix extreme levels of estrogen (Melissa) and testosterone (Raichel) under one roof, and from the WTF coverage on last night’s show, it looks like, unfortunately, we never will…

Acting a little calmer because she decided to indulge in a Slim Fast shake instead of eating her usual crackers and water, Melissa takes the hot seat to act like the victim—again. “I genuinely do not feel I initiated any conflict whatsoever,” she says as a tuft of her hair quietly falls to the ground.

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Enraged at hearing this, Raichel guzzles down her ‘roid shake and interjects. “You were poisonous, you were toxic, you were frantic, you were frazzled, and you were freaking everyone out, and you ruined my chances with the Bachelor!” she exclaimed, cracking her bulging knuckles as a warning to her neurotic nemesis.

Because dorky people feel empowered in a room where they feel safe, Jackie confidently jumps into the catfight. “It’s your fault!” she screams at Raichel. “Brad didn’t want to be with you because you acted a fool (and because your calves are bigger than his)!”

Applause! Applause! One point for nerds everywhere!

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‘Survivor’ ‘The Bachelor’ ‘Top Chef’ ‘Minute to Win It’

Getting a Taste of Her Own Medicine
Before Michelle can bat an evil fake eyelash, the girls jump on her like a gang initiation gone wild! One contestant calls her “two-faced,” another says her “true colors came out,” and Jackie gets a bad case of arachnophobia, equating the Mean Girl to a spider because she’s “creepy and everybody’s afraid of you.”

Surprisingly, instead of getting rabid apes to attack the angry ladies, Michelle goes into deep convulsions! And no, it’s not an exorcism (good guess!)—rather, it’s a downpour of tears!

“I was here for the right reasons! I left my daughter! I’m easily misunderstood!” Michelle peeps out amid her nose-swelling and ugly cries. Chris comforts her, but Stacey—the Massachusetts bartender with the bad schnoz job—jumps in to toss salt into her already vulnerable, open wounds by implying she’s a bad mother! Chris tells the ladies to chillax, but because she’s gone deaf (as is apparent by her scream-talking throughout the show), Jackie slips in a “You’re shady!” comment to Michelle. Suddenly, the hair stylist goes into a seizure, filled with goobery sorrow. She-Devils sometimes needs Kleenex, too.

Ex-’Bachelor’ Contestant Ashley H.: I Was Heartbroken

Who’s That Girl?
Having puffed her face with a pound of bronzer and dunking her hair in dark bacon grease, Ashley H. manages to look eligible for Social Security bennies. She hops into the hot seat and admits feeling so much regret for being so insecure and wasting Braddy Cat’s time! Waaah!

“I hate to break it to you, but you were in love,” declares Chris with great satisfaction, as he watches Ash wince in pain.

Score!
After Brad pops out and acts boringly gracious and complimentary to all the lady losers in the room, he and Chris giggle and squeal as they show us that “The Bachelor” franchise isn’t just about contestants exchanging venereal diseases in front of millions of people, but it’s also about philanthropy. A montage reveals the two donating hot water to a needy South African preschool and Chris making some of the lil’ tykes cry as he viciously steals the ball in what is supposed to be an innocent game of soccer.

Trying to quickly change the subject and end things on a high note, Chris asks Brad how he feels about his secret lover. “I fall more and more in love with her every day, buddy,” Bradzilla says as his face swells up with emotion…and from eating too many salty pistachios in the green room.

“Well, we ain’t doing this again,” Chris jokes with a kind smile on his face. Thinking they’ve gone to commercial break, he angrily snaps his fingers and a stylist tumbles onto the stage and fluffs his hair.

Next Week on the Season Finale of “The Bachelor”:
Heart attack! Shark attack! Will the lucky girl be She-Eats-A-Lot-Lately Chantal O. or the Young Dolly Parton Emmy-Em?!